Friday, July 30, 2004

颜色

很想为自己写些什么。脑却挺空的。就是乱写了。

今天有两个人,都猜我最喜欢的颜色是白色。觉得挺有趣的。我喜欢的颜色,有点出乎别人的意外。不过,喜欢就是喜欢。没原因的。我也喜欢白色,黑色,蓝色。那种简单大方的颜色。不过,自己喜欢的总是让人惊喜。

别人看我穿衣服,也是很随便。最好就是牛仔裤和一个top, 加上拖鞋。这样,我就能闯天下了。不是黑,就是白。最多偶尔穿了一下粉红色,别人就说“so sweet ah”. 太华丽,自己就觉得很难搭配。简单,反而舒服。

我喜欢穿简单搭配的颜色,不用花太多时间。
我的车是黑的,觉得够帅气。
我的房间是粉红色和浅紫色,给人很大女孩的感觉。

难怪别人看我,不会知道其实我喜欢红色。 自己的生活里,其实一点儿红也看不到。不知道,什么样的人才让别人觉得她是喜欢红色的。


Wednesday, July 28, 2004

昨晚写的 。。。

很久没写字了。大多数,我是用电脑打字的。今晚很早就把电脑关了。有点累,想窝在床上。看书,听歌,发呆。现在想写字。

刚才很无聊。拿了自己的相机,在自己小小的房间乱拍。东一个角落, 拍。西一个墙角,拍。拍的时候,连accompanying introductions 都想好了。不知道明天有没有那个雅兴把它们放在自己的blog上。

就我小小的房间。我小小的天堂。

真得很久没写字了。手都有点酸了。好没用。

今晚忘了看美国股市。算了,就当明天个自己一个惊喜。现在,我想我去看书了。明天周三了。时间好快。一分一秒,tick-tock, tick-tock. 我又老了。

算了!去看书!

-----
27号7月2004年
1055pm

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Occam's razor

I was just reading, and I came across this phase known as Occam's Razor - "entia non sunt multiplicanda preaeter necessitatem". It translates literally into English as "Plurality should not be posited without necessity"; or what as the book said "No more things should be presumed to exist than are absolutely necessary".

Actually I was reading "the curious incident of th dog in the night-time". Lovely book I have to say, but that is not the point tonight. This phase was used inside and I was a little taken with the meaning although I do not really know what it truly means at this point in time.

So, I just went "huh".

I guess in modern society, this can actually be referred to as the principle of simiplicity. Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it sweet. There is no need to throw in a whole lot of assumptions and parameters into the equation.

No doubt, like all maxims, this one suffers from its own deficiencies. But life is complicated enough at times. A maxim like this can come in handy at clearing the clutter from your own thoughts at times.

爱的负面 。。。

我在看自己前几天写的东西。

喜的负面是悲 - 我同意。就开心与不开心。

爱的负面是恨 - 这,好像不对。应该是爱与不爱。“不爱”不是恨。没爱,又哪来得恨呢。

“不爱”是不在乎了。
The opposite of love is not really hatred, isn't it. It is something worse than that. It is called indifference.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

这种状态叫什么

日子 – 礼拜天,新的开始

天色 – 几片云朵,半个月亮

心情 – 平静,属于发呆状态
----------
现在有点感冒。还是开着冷气机,死都不要把温度调高。等到刚才有点冷到不行了,才去拿了一件jacket来穿。多傻,自己也不知道为什么要这样做。就是不想妥协。本来,有点累想睡了。不过,现在又不想了。就不过那几十分钟的差别,决定就不一样了。

你说我现在悲感吗?不会啊,没什么不开心的。
你说我现在喜悦吗?不会啊,没什么值得开心的。

不悲不喜。这种状态叫什么?

叫无所谓吗?还是叫有所谓?一种放在心上,可又看得开的有所谓?

喜的负面是悲。
爱的负面是恨。

当你不悲不喜,不爱不恨的时候,只有不在乎的时候。这,算什么?是什么的负面?还是,它只是两种情感的平衡点,是中央点?看左,再看了看右,发现自己哪边也去不了。突然有点无奈。我想,我只能等吧。等什么呢,不确定。不过,我想无论我在等什么,它应该像我等巴士一样,终究会到来的,对吗?

其实,“无所谓”和“看得开的有所谓”有分别吗?

我不知道。今晚的我,不知道了。一直以为自己把这两点分辨得很好。今晚,我不知道,不能回答自己。不过,我也不在乎。

我不知道我该改变什么,我不知道我能为自己做什么。我连我自己想怎样,我也不晓得。

----------
日子 – 星期一

天色 – 不知道,窜帘布拉上了

心情 – 平静,属于发呆状态,不过,有点毛毛了。该睡了,不过想很放肆的去看书。一切的不应该,等天亮了才来后悔吧。

Saturday, July 24, 2004

打转

“可人的一辈子都是一个阶段,一个阶段的,在每个当下你总是懵懵懂懂的,随着事过境迁,你总可以学到一些什么,蓦然回首,发现原来你是青春换取了一些道理,然后再感谢上苍给了你成长与平静的机会。唯有平静,才可以比较客观并明了地看待自己,最怕的是不肯前进与妄自菲薄,然后提供了一些很好的借口来懒惰并继续坠落。”

写得很好。刚看了一篇文章,里头一段话留下了印象。

如果可以,当然谁也不想用自己的时间和青春来换取道理。最好就是在不需要牺牲任何事与物的情况下,就能得到什么道理。人,就是那么贪得无厌。不过,我想就算是有什么道理是这么得来的,我们也不会珍惜,更加不会深思熟虑。

所以最终,我们什么都不会领悟到,什么也得不到。还是在原来的位置打转。

或许,我唯一能做的,就是尽量懂事一点。这,或许能帮我省点时间,减少打转。

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

没题,没目 – 乱七八糟

是那种觉得自己得为自己写些什么的心情。不然,有点浑身不自在。很奇怪吧?
 
昨晚做了个梦,是个恶梦。我从没哭着醒来过。当然,不是放声大哭的那种哭。而是,那种睡醒了发现眼眶有泪水。自己有点吓到。为什么会这样?而,我也记得那恶梦。我身边有个很亲的人过世。怎么了?为什么会做这种梦?
 
很不踏实得过了今天。不过,今天还是好好的过了。还好,应该就只是个梦。没其他的。可能是前睡时,读了一篇文章。一篇不是很开心想寻死的文章。
 
还没睡着时,当脑筋在转时,不知道为什么,我突然跟自己想道:-
 
其实,坐巴士或地铁并不痛苦。是那等待的过程,才辛苦无奈。因为,除了等,你什么都不能做了。
 
这,是个什么样的领悟?
 
对啊,很多时候,除了等,我们什么都不能做了。除了希望自己是在恰当的时候出现,我们什么都没法子了。除了为自己的目标努力,事后,我们只能望自己没白白努力,我们只能等。
 
一分一秒,过了就没了。可,我们就只能等。
 
可惜,就算那心是能沉得住气,等着。可时间还是很仓促的从我们身边流失。 

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Dealing with conflicts

Today, I was chatting with a friend and we were on the topic of beggars and whether we should be giving money to beggars. There were conflicting views, but mainly between that of "teaching a man to fish" or "giving the man a fish".  
 
Naturally I am all for the idea of every man being able to fish for himself. I do greatly support of notion of being independent, if possible. But in the meantime, while the man is learning to fish, shouldn't we try within the best of our ability to provide for him? A man could take a much longer time to learn to fish than it would take for his hunger to collaspe him.
 
How about sympathy?  
 
Although nothing requires the society to be compassionate, there is no philosophical justification for callousness. How does one live with the knowledge that one man is starving and has no food to feed his primitive need of hunger while they tuck into a feast of meat and wine?
 
How about the nagging knowledge that you may be cheated or fleeced of your money?
 
Humans have this age-old capacity to see only what they wish to see, while shutting out all those that they do not wish to see. And I myself have been guilty of that at times. So between sympathy and potential of being cheated, our usual reaction is to protect our own assets. We choose to ignore and walk away. Ignoring the scene is our way of dealing with our own internal conflicts. We do this very well too. We adopt this skill in many different areas of our lives as well. *I guess we all carry the hope that the problem will just go away if we ignore it long enough. Talk about blind hope*
 
But, back to the topic, I do try nowadays to ignore my own personal nagging feeling of being cheated and give a token sum of my intention. Yes, sympathy.
 
And naturally the friend did pose this "And what if you realised you are just being fleeced? They were just playing on your sympathy?"
 
I could only verbalise my own thoughts on this matter as best as I could. There are a lot of external events around me that I cannot control. But what I can control is my own response to them. I try not to judge. I try to live honourably, in harmony with my own values and belief in life, and find peace through my own actions. That is my only business. How people misplace or distort my reaction is not my business. It is theirs. But I cannot, out of my own fear that my reaction be distorted, choose simply to ignore or behave negatively.
 
I really really want to believe that the world is a wonderful world to live in, and that there are goodness around us. Yes, there are inner demons always. But this is my way of dealing with them. Ignore the demons and act in a just manner.
 
Tough, but I am trying.
 

Friday, July 16, 2004

原来你也在这里 - 感想

[有点懊恼,不知道该把这entry放在那里。可,想了想,还是放在这里好]
 
有一首歌的旋律我很喜欢。这歌没很大的起伏,没什么很明显的chorus,也没什么很炫的音符;它很简单。我就喜欢它的简单,听起来很舒服。第一次听到,我就好喜欢了。
 
刘若英的《原来你也在这里》  

原来你也在这里
作词:姚谦 作曲:中岛美雪 编曲:屠颖
 
请允许我尘埃落定 用沉默埋葬了过去
满身风雨我从海上来 才隐居在这沙漠里
 
该隐瞒的事总清晰 千言万语只能无语
爱是天时地利的迷信 喔 原来你也在这里
 
啊 哪一个人 是不是只存在梦境里
为什么我用尽全身力气 却换来半生回忆
 
若不是你渴望眼睛 若不是我救赎心情
在千山万水人海相遇 喔 原来你也在这里

 
那时,我并没花太多心思去听它的歌词。过后,买了专辑,才去看歌词。看了,有点震撼。好清澈的歌词。仿佛从迷雾中,看到了微微的曙光。
 
我想:-
 
要不是那时的遇见,就不会有这一切的爱意和悔恨。就是一句“那么巧?原来你也在这里”, 人生就不同了,两个人的生活就有了交叉点。为什么那时却不想“你为什么在这里?你干吗在这里?你是在等我吗?你会永远为我吗?我们会如何?”
 
可想了又如何。把一切看得太清楚,不一定是件好事。心动感动就是这样。毫无防备,毫无预料。一个惊喜,一个微笑,一个心跳。就这样,就有了一生的回忆。有一句歌词(我忘了是那一首歌):“瞬间的感动,用一辈子来回忆”。我想就是这个意思吧。
 
可,这样的开始,不一定有一个完美的结局。
世间道 – 相遇是偶然。分别是注定。
我们不会知道。
 
“原来你也在这里” – 就这7个字,在这首歌里,说尽了两个人的悲欢离合。
 
可世间的一切的关系,都从这句话,这个念头开始。
 
--------------
On a separate note, 这个是一部连续剧的歌。《张爱玲传奇》 我只能说,没张爱玲我们不会记得谁是胡兰成。可没胡兰成,张爱玲还是独立文艺的张爱玲。
 

Thursday, July 15, 2004

写给一个朋友的

这是我写给一个朋友的话,不过,我觉得其实时不时自己也得记得。

" 如果一切是命运
如果一切是错过
不如留点回忆
算了

或许,这是你们最适合的距离
又或许,这是你们唯一所能承担的

情感很难了解
可,它很可贵

无论如何
你还是要相信你过得了这一关 "

感情啊,能把你捧上天,也能把你处于最深一层的地域。
又美丽,又可恨。矛盾。

感受不到幸福

刚才读了一篇文章,觉得里头有几句话,我觉得写得很好,很贴心。

" 人世间,行踏社会总是奔波劳力,应对人情世故总是劳心。然而我终究是得活在这么个俗世里成就我的人生,劳心劳力也就在所难免。只是久了,心就老了,老了的心,就没一个所在给天真存活着。没了天真存活所在的心,就不再温热柔软,将不再深情饱满。将再也感受不到幸福。"

这,算不算是“人在江湖,身不由己”?

很可悲?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

你说,这样的我...

你说,这样的我,幸不幸运?

是不是得失去了,才能得到什么?
是不是得跌倒了,才能站得稳?
是不是得哭过了,才懂快乐是什么?

你说,这样的我,需要安慰吗?

是不是不需要安慰的人,从此就没烦恼?
是不是不需要安慰的人,从此就开心?
是不是不需要安慰的人,从此就没怀疑?

你说,这样的我,到底是个什么样的人?

Monday, July 12, 2004

神经兮兮

昨晚我的手提电话响了。我不知道,所以没听。直到临睡前,才发现。是一个我不熟悉的手电号码。平时,我对这些没接到的号码一点也不起兴趣。我的态度是假如重要,对方会再打回来。也没多想,拿了discman,戴上耳机,就发呆。

或许昨晚是花好月圆,又或许是那音乐。我突然有点神经兮兮。

我突然有感觉。不知道为什么,我觉得那电话是“他”打来的。没特别的原因,就是一种感觉。那感觉,就好像知道了问答题的答案,可又不想去证实。心跳的感觉,沾沾自喜,有点不正常。不过,不想去证明什么,就想享受那感觉,就算了。

你或许会觉得我真得疯了。想知道我就该打回那号码,看看到底是谁打来的。弄清楚电话是谁打来的,不就真相大白了。

我为什么不查个清楚。

99% - 不是他。打错,或是其他人。
1% - 是他。不过,又怎样?还得打乱我那神经兮兮不过又挺享受的心情。

那时,享受自己的那好心情,比什么都好。证实与否并不重要。

其实无论是谁,重要的话,他们是会再打回来的。不然,就当为自己省了时间。用自己的幻想来敷衍现实的自己,或许很傻,或许很无聊。不过,关上房门,戴上耳机,是我自己的世界。而在这不确定的世界,突然有这种莫名其妙不过会令你揪起嘴边的感觉,也很好啊。至少,在一天还没结束前,还有多一个微笑。

享受完了这心情,就把它释放了。我的心,已是自由的了。

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The status of leisure

If I get a dollar every time someone asks me when I am going to get a job, I would be pretty well off by now. Unfortunately I do not see anyone proposing such a system be set up. And for the record, if I see something interesting that I want to try my hand at (and which happens to pay a salary); I may go get a “job”.

To clear the air, I find it of utmost importance that I occupy myself every moment of the day when I am awake. And sometimes that activity that I choose is allow myself to do absolutely nothing and just stare into blank space, and plugging into some music while idling is also considered “doing something” in my opinion likewise. For the former, I am allowing my subconscious to emerge and see the light of the day. For the latter, I am just listening to music (what’s with constant multi-tasking anyway).

Somehow as the world progress and gets plunged deep into the speed revolution, work and leisure takes on increasing different meaning and importance. Leisure has a lower status in modern society compared to work. Leisure suggests idleness and wasting time and resources. Leisure is barely moral in the eyes of many today. And indeed, my “unemployed” status is not quite acceptable to many people around me.

To people who think like this, I have this to share:

“Learn to pause … Or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you”

Doug King


I have nothing against work, really! I do sincerely believe that working for the sake of survival is rational and necessary. Work is necessary, but it may not contribute as much to our own mental and emotional well-being as you think it does. Before you get all caught up and excited in your own concerns and run about in anxieties, just remember this – It is not enough to be busy. What are you busy with?

Do not banish leisure to the status of immorality. It has much more to offer than you know or can imagine.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

深呼吸

有时,感觉很不好。就是心情不好,气道不顺,好像有一个不明之物压在胸前。我现在知道气道不顺,是自己的坏心情即将降临的预兆。所以一旦如此,我就会努力想办法做些自己会开心的事,希望解除那胸前的闷气。有时行得通,有时行不通。

今天又有点气道不顺。就出去开车,兜风。还好,挡住了那坏心情。

可,我不可能每次都如此幸运,去除那股闷气。

正在澳脑。才发现自己已经忘了怎么呼吸了。呼吸应该是再自然不过的事。可笑!我竟忘了如何自然深呼吸。现在呼吸很浮浅,就是为了心脏和生存。忘了深呼吸所带来的安定感和调匀自己心情的能量。所以常常气道不顺。

那,我得记得练习“深呼吸”。常常运气,减少纳闷的感觉。

For the young who want to

I thought this is a really good poem. It could somewhat be considered a feminist poem because it is by a female poet, especially when it is written in the 1980s. But I do believe in the last line of it - that you have to like the work you do more than it loves you. Otherwise you would just kill your soul. We are all better dead this way, isn't it.

And all my parents want from me is a licence to hang on my wall that says "Certified Public Accountant of Singapore". It does not matter if the licence has a validity for only one year. Up till now, I can understand from their point of view, but I have not quite convinced myself that the time and effort required is worth that licence on the wall.

Consider it a cost and benefit analysis.

For the young who want to
Talent is what they say
you have after the novel
is published and favorably
reviewed. Beforehand what
you have is a tedious
delusion, a hobby like knitting.

Work is what you have done
after the play is produced
and the audience claps.
Before that friends keep asking
when you are planning to go
out and get a job.

Genius is what they know you
had after the third volume
of remarkable poems. Earlier
they accuse you of withdrawing,
ask why you don't have a baby,
call you a bum.

The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall
like your optician, your vet
proving you may be a clumsy sadist
whose fillings fall into the stew
but you're certified a dentist.

The real writer is one
who really writes. Talent
is an invention like phlogiston
after the fact of fire.
Work is its own cure. You have to
like it better than being loved.

Marge Piercy

缤纷人生

每个人都希望自己的人生是缤纷色彩的。谁不想?不过需要还多努力。有一个人,她说假如人生是一张纸,那她的纸是蓝色的。我记得那时,我和她说她太悲观了。因为她人生的粉底是深色。那人生不论多不同,带着多少不同的色彩,也没用。因为纸终究是蓝色。

她那时,倒反问我自己的人生粉底是什么颜色。

我告诉她,我很想相信自己是白色的粉底。为什么是很想,而不是事实?因为我发现其实我有很多不同的颜色。那一天拿出什么颜色,很看心情。不是每次都拿的出白色的粉底。

很高兴最近自己的粉底常常是白色的,心灵乐观。

假如心灵是粉底,那么我们的经验和经历一定是那纸上的彩画。假如爱情是红色、工作是蓝色、家人是黄色、和其他许多不同的。那么我希望自己纸上的彩画是多色彩的,而不是很单调的一两个色彩。我不要全红,或全蓝。我希望在不同决断的人生,都有着不一样的色彩,不同的体验和经历。

这样,才叫着缤纷人生。不是吗?

Monday, July 05, 2004

此时此刻的我 ...

人就是奇怪。就算已经好累好累了,可假如有时间做自己喜欢的事,还是肯心甘情愿去做的。我今天好累,一早就起来了。本来以为随便看一下电邮就好去睡了,哪知道一眨眼就1个多钟头了。

现在带着耳机,开得很大声。现在正在听刘若英的歌(有好久没听了),根本听不到其他的声音。[除了张清芳,也很喜欢刘若英]。整理着自己的电邮和blog,也不是在做什么重要的事。因为不够睡,其实眼睛好像有点花花了。

可你知道吗?虽然很累,不过现在觉得很开心。也没什么特别的原因,就是能做些自己想做的,听自己想听的。

不论明天会是如何,此时此刻的我觉得很满足,很幸运了。

现在的平静,现在的心情,现在的快乐。不奢望别的,不渴望别的,就是眼前的幸福吧。

这,足够了。

Saturday, July 03, 2004

因为 ...

为寻找一个梦而飘泊

因为飘泊而看透
因为看透而了解
因为了解而明白
因为明白而清晰

我的心因为清晰而慢慢认清自己的梦想

因为一个梦而执著
因为一个梦而努力
因为一个梦而解脱
因为一个梦而勇敢

我的人生因为勇气而不同

因为不同而怀疑
因为不同而害怕

可要从心里心里拿掉怀疑和害怕
很难,很苦

最终,还是自己一个人的路