Thursday, June 21, 2007

停下来

if everything happens for a reason, or is a result of past action, i am not quite sure what to make of the rut i am stuck in now. 或许迟些时候才会知道,才会明白。现在每天陪伴着我的不知所措和无奈感却是无法抵赖。起床了,就想 - "今天怎样,做什么,怎么办..."

奇怪哦。生活不是掌握在自己手上,一切不是自己安排的吗?说是这么说,它却也能用自己的方法在你毫无准备的情况下逼你停下来。当然,这一切,有时也是自己自找的。

或许我现在就是自找的了。

闷。

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Finding my compass

I love my weekends. I get to wake up without an alarm clock though still early for a weekend. I can spend my morning surfing wistfully online without having to stare at charts and fear for my margin account. And so it usually happens, last week’s copy of Economist on my reading stand will catch my eye with the sickening realization that once again I failed to finish the magazine before the current week’s copy arrived. Saturday morning is always spent speed-reading and catching up then. This week is no exception either.

The best part or most hated part of my weekend (depending on whether it has been a profitable week or not) is my weekly trade review. And it’s been hate-hate-hate for the past 5 weekends. Terrible it has been, and somehow, I failed to reverse this. The thing about failing consecutively for a reasonably long duration makes one lose focus. Lose focus in trading, lose focus in objectives, lose focus & discipline generally. You try, you fail. You try harder, you fall harder. Then the feeling of a loser becomes impossible to shake off, and you are quite at a loss. Suddenly, everything becomes unsure, even if they worked in the past.

It felt as if I misplaced my compass, and am not quite sure how to proceed henceforth.

I want to throw in hands up and just despair. Or maybe throw a temper or two. But yet, ironically, I do not want to either. I should be made of sterner stuff than just this right? What is a string of failure? Failure and defeat is different, right? I can fail, but it does not mean I am defeated. I just have to sit down calmly, and think through how else I can better this situation.

I need to find my compass back again. Maybe I am not quite lost yet, only took a wrong detour somewhere. I might waste some time, I might waste some energy. But all is not lost as long as I find my way back, isn’t it. And like all signs in my life, someone is telling me to wake up from my moping and get down working on trekking back to the right path.

A quote. A card. How abstract.

Quote on 16th June 2007:-

"To live consciously, to live the way you want, is to hold a compass that you check from time to time. And, checking it, say: “Right – I know where I am”.

And when you can say that, there will be no more mazes left in the world, only unexpected corners. "

~ 'Finding my bearings in the maze of life', Janice Tay for Straits Times.

I don’t know where I am right now, but rest assured I will find out where I am.

Card on 14th June 2007:-

Thunderbolt


The card shows a tower being burned, destroyed, blown apart. A man and a woman are leaping from it not because they want to, but because they have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing consciousness. You might be feeling pretty shaky right now, as if the earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to gold on to whatever you can.

But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important – if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences. After the fire, the earth is replenished after the storm the air is clear. Try to watch the destruction with detachment, almost as if it were happening to somebody else. Say yes to the process by meeting it halfway.

I think I have a lot to do this weekend. I have to tidy up whatever unhappiness emotionally and mentally, and find my compass back.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

自律

没家教是父母的问题。
没自律是自己的问题。

做错了就认。
别怨天,怨地,怨所有的人和事
却忘了怨自己。

Monday, June 11, 2007

杂记 - 绝对

觉得这歌很美。

小茉莉

清晨下了一場雨
露水沾濕了小茉莉
白色花瓣 純潔又清新
偷聞著妳的呼吸

晚風吹拂青草地
夕陽染紅了小茉莉
微笑綻放 不言也不語
看不透妳的秘密

月光青青 薄霧籠罩小茉莉
凝視著妳 捨不得離開妳
月光青青 薄霧籠罩小茉莉
等候著妳 走進我的夢裡

小茉莉 是否妳會 把我忘記
小茉莉 請記得我 還在這裡
小茉莉 在枝頭上 自然美麗
小茉莉 請記得我 不要 把我忘記


人就是在不同的时候,有不同的一面,有不同的层次。在不同的人,在不同的夜晚,在不同的层次,有着不一样的自己。而,我今天喜欢这某样物,不代表明天不会喜欢完全不同的另一样。

生活没有一定的答案。
而我,没有绝对的自己。

Friday, June 08, 2007

自言自语

做人道理,有时就如‘累了就休息,别想太多,别担心别的’。就那么简单。

别弄复杂了。别勉强自己什么。
真的,没那么难。

累了。睡了。

Monday, June 04, 2007

今天不错啊

其实真的不用太难。开心不难,能让自己觉得今天还好的,也不用太复杂。假如自己今天的工作一切顺利,自然会开心。不过能让我开心的事,其实有时就是很简单。微风,落叶,打雷,下雨,一本好书,放松的心情,一首偶然听到的歌。

突然,就会觉得今天的收获还真不错。

我本来就在读些杂志,也没怎么专心听这歌。这样其实只维持了15秒。歌播了15秒,人坐直了一点,把杂志放下。这个的 style, 很不像一般的 canto pop. 会是一个惊喜吗?闭上眼,听这歌,真的能看到一男一女在争吵。有点又惊又喜,这类型的歌往往只能在 musicals 才能听得到。

而,我今天的收获果然不错。又一首我知道就算多年后我还会很喜欢的歌。