Wednesday, November 30, 2011

不知道不会,不代表不可能不可以

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."
~ Friedrich Nietzeche

the observation is mostly watching people decide "it" is impossible. because they do not know how to go about it.

this "it" can be any aspect, element and bits of life. and so, because they do not know "how", they declare it undo-able, impossible, fantasies. and mostly appalled looks.

as much as i accept the limits of abilities, geography and science, what grates on my rational mind is that a lot of such limits, to put it mildly, are pretty much self-imposed. in their own minds, by their refusals, and mostly attitudes.

and so, perhaps this is what separates the winners from the crowd, the go-getters from the living-from-day-to-day, the financially stable from the pending disasters.

i have a hypothesis about "the 5 whys" 五个为什么. ask thy self "why" to every reason you give to a question/action and you will get to the primitive motivating source of your self. For example:- Why is money important to you? => Because it is security. Why is is security=> Because I do not enjoy being dependent on others economically. Why do you not enjoy being dependent? .....

So on and so forth. Usually by the 4th or 5th "why", there is a very emotional need at its very core behind the seemingly very innocent question.

So now, i'm wondering about another hypothesis. The-5-hows.
If i follow the same process and keep my nose to the grind, 问自己五个“怎么办”,会走出属于自己的路吗?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

只为忘我,享受当下

这八个字和一个寂寞的cursor
在荧光屏上为伴
25分钟
没其他的字出现
我突然想起了一张ensemblecd
戴上了耳机
享受去了

知觉性地庆幸自己活着
非常感激自己地生活
不是我牢记于心的事
我知道,非常该枪毙
but i'm only human
对习以为常的事
有时是缺了那点心

当大部分的每天成为了不放在心上的习惯
生活也开始自动化
也就越少感觉到心跳,心动
活着,享受

我不要
我不愿
因为活着
我要大口大口地呼吸着
伤心,不爽,心动,忘我
感受,享受

我羡慕小孩子追一粒球的忘我
我羡慕年轻人为初恋付出的忘我
我不得自问
我的享受忘我呢?
那些让我感受着这世界简单的美的?

我已不觉得一粒球值得追
已不太期望童话故事的洪烈
写到这里,笑了
想起了还是有很多事
我很享受,也会忘我

一首有共鸣的歌
一部牵动心灵的戏
一顿交心的晚餐
一个人的游走旅游
一段很开心的旋律
一幅眼睛离不开的画
一路认清改变的自己

一种快活

还好

Saturday, November 19, 2011

换睡衣了


男人送的睡衣
通常是带有些性感的
很正常
如果男人送你的睡衣
是一件大t-shirt
他应该对你没什么意思

两个人有它自己的睡衣
一个人也有自己的睡衣
从小到大
大多数都是t-shirt短裤
舒服自在
睡的也好

然而
现在不行了
是人老了
体弱了不知道
只知道再这样我会一直生病
习惯了冷气
调太低会感冒
调太高我会踢被
还是感冒
不是认不认老的问题
是重感冒真的很伤身

所以睡衣version 2.0
长裤再加长袖
反正是一个人
又不用性感给谁看
不过我倒觉得
我现在的2.0还真可爱

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

只有知道和不知道

Forgive me if I unconsciously roll my eyes when I hear “早知道 ... ”

世界上没有早知道什么什么。只有知道和不知道。早知道能成立的话,大家都是亿万富翁了。Because we would have loaded up on oil when it was $30, and gold when it was $250. 有早知道的话,世界就没有后悔和学习。Because what's there to know and learn when you already know everything preemptively? 

早知道。
早知道。
Can I laugh you out of the house.

当你说出“早知道”
它只说出了你不知道。
不但不知道,还贪恋“知道”的结果。

错过了就是错过了。
时间,人,选择。
错过了就认,承认自己不知道。
自问自学自修。
而不是叨叨念。

早知道这种开场话是没有价值的。

Saturday, November 12, 2011

that's that

病了快两个礼拜了。
这几天好些。
终于不用吃药上街了。
睡得还不是很好。
奇怪的是今天做事的效率。
还挺高的。

每隔3小时起床一次。
清醒的第三次。
终于是起床的时间了。
脑海就只有这样两句话。

有些人就是这样。
有些事就是那样。”

这,好奇怪,好奇怪。
没遇到怪人。
没碰见不顺心的事。
今早脑子里却是这样的话。

就这样。
或如广东人所说的 - hai kam

一边做事一边琢磨了大半天。
它有意思的。
我的一堂课。
如果那是上联,
下联是什么?

用心过努力后
真的不用太执着”

That's all I've got.

某些时候。
我不明白,忘了,卡住了。
不过确实。
很多时候。
很多事。
都是我的一念之差。
只是我的接受与否

就.是.这.样.
 

Friday, November 11, 2011

when my mind fails me

There is a dominant side of me where i extrapolate things, divide things, and approach life in a very linear fashion. It is formulaic. Slavishly. It is also rigid, routine and dead. For some aspects of my life, this works. Perfectly. Beautifully. Afterall, 1+1=2. You cannot argue with the logic and beauty in the formula. Like, oh! Savings, calorie counting, time management, accounting. Basically numbers stuff. Lucky for me, the world runs somewhat decently on numbers.

It is those bits which does not. And those are the bits when shit tends to hit the fan. And those are the bits when it gets stressful, emotional, alive, and disappointing. Like, oh, I dunno? Relationships, trading, my own mood swings. Basically the things i cannot rearrange into a formula in my own head; these are the bits when i realized slowly hard work counts for nuts; 不是你努力用心就可以了。All the good intentions are just good intentions. These are the bits when I should not expect the results I want just because I had good intentions and tried.

Because that is life.
And it is not linear generally.
Not most of the time anyway.
And those are the bits that I am not comfortable with.
And those are the bits that generally do not see the sunlight.
Which I deal with in my own darkness.

If it is not linear, what is it?
I struggle with it.
Especially when it does not work.
And I cannot toss it out and get a new one.

Is it exponential?
Or like a bell curve?
An ECG wave?
Or with a rhythm like the ocean?

You notice, I'm still trying to fit it into a formula which I may perhaps understand. No, not formula. Framework. Lens. Let me rephrase: it has been a struggle to reformulate my dominant formulaic self into a more holistic framework where I can live with the bits that work, and accept the bits that does not graciously. Yes, it all sounds very contrived, and a little like I have nothing better to do with my life other than to constantly rebalance, reassess, rethink.

My friends laugh at me for being too goddamn logical and rational, while I sink into my own depths for the bits where logic fails me.

I suspect, for better or worse.
This will actually be my lifelong battle.
My own balance.
And acceptance.


Wednesday, November 09, 2011

自言自语

年轻一点时
不是看别人的生活,羡慕
就是活给别人看,无知的胆怯
前者或后者,都不知道自己在干嘛

大点了
想为自己而活了
却发现这好难好难
向前一步,倒退两步
左转右转,都不确定
兜兜转转,回到远点
自问:alright smartypants, now what?

别人看到正面的
同一个硬币
看到我背后的负面吗?
我只是掩饰得很好很好

讨厌真正的我
无所谓
但别喜欢你以为的我
最后只会剩下难过 
我们俩的难过 

大家活着都不容易
各自辛苦自己知
只愿一路陪伴的朋友
懂得珍惜

我们都要学习为自己而活