I cannot believe myself.

How can I possibly be missing someone who hurt me so badly? Women are such weird and emotional creatures. We are such suckers for pain. Why do we only remember only the good memories and totally forget the pain that came along with it? Are we creatures of denial? Or is this our way of paying our past relationships due respect?

It's not as if I'm still hankering for the relationship. I have long acknowledged that the relationship is over and I should lick my wound, watch the scar and learn to move on. If that is the case, why does he still pop up in my mind so often? So much so that it actually makes me long for him back in my life again.

What is wrong with me? Okay, maybe I do not miss him afterall. Perhaps I just miss someone in my life to share my joy and laughter ... to do things together as a couple .... and to share our dreams and grow old together.

I just miss couplehood. I do not miss him.
Okay...repeat this always .... *oomph*

You know how I stopped myself from missing him so badly? I deliberately recall the hurtful stuff he did to me. I thought over the situations over and over again ... until I felt the anger rising in my throat again. Until his image conjures nothing but disgust! That's when I stopped missing him on the bus today ... and thought "asshole".

I probably look pathetic doing this. I do feel silly doing this. But I would rather that I hate him than miss him. He's not worth my memories after that he has done. And he is not worth my pinning for at all. At least I dn't carry his shadow with me, and learn to be happy on my own.

There will come a day when I can let go of this hatred. But now is not the time.
But believe in myself ... the day will come.