some clarity in a reply ..

"if only deliberation is only towards him ..
but no .. it is becoming a lens adopted towards the world.
unfortunately... or maybe fortunately?
Depending on how you look at it.

My evolving view about myself and my life ..
is coming to the contention that certain aspects are fatal weakness ..
and if not corrected, will be my achilles' heel, dooming me to my cycle & pattern of life that has kept repeating.

and by extension, the correction is starting to include many aspects of my life. not just Yiming for that matter ..
trading, parents, sisters, general relationships ..

U know, the truth is .. i want to be better. Period. It is not a "i wish to be better". I want to be.

I wouldn't deny my emotions. But i just do not want to act off it without thinking through first as I had always done.

what is it they say? Do not dam it up, let it flood through first, but do not get carried away by it.

hence deliberation.

the truth is, every element in the universe exists in a state of constant change and becoming.

i guess, i am changing. Because I want to.

So, it is no longer about him or us.
it is *selfishly* about me. "