imperfect lover

and so, it was glorious catching up with Laura and the rest of the gang last night. they are literally the oldest group of friends i ever had. i'm the baby of the group, and leveraging on their life experiences and thoughts is something i do not take for granted.

and so, yesterday, the grilling begins, about Mr See & me.

i think the image that i was very detached talking about him and us bothers them a lot. Benny says "i can't feel that passion". Laura worries that i am missing out on the passionate love affair i should have. Meelin says "你高兴就好". Rachel is puzzled about my seemingly lack of urgency and manner of approaching it. Patrick sums it as "you're not ready yet".

friends' concern, i appreciate. i really do. body language wise, on hindsight, i was probably a bit defensive. i can't articulate very well why things are the way things are right now. at least i cannot last night.

Mr See is not the perfect lover. in fact, i have heard quite a few times that we do not seem quite right together. so why are we still together? for all that is worth, it has been somewhat more peaceful and less aggravating since we got back together after the time-out. is it because we are truly getting along better, or because subconsciously i dun care so much anymore (which makes a lot of things less glaring and hence less opportunity for fights)? i do not have an affirmative answer to it. is it that i have mellowed and beginning to pick my fights better, or because i have grown and learnt from the horrid first year together? i am not very sure either. should you worry about the process, or should the result matter more? there is always the tension there, isn't it.

then again, i am sure i am not the perfect lover to him either.

but we still hold our hands together and try to muddle through as best as we can.

play my best hands, given the cards i am dealt with.

what gives?

truth is my life is not static. my emotions are not static. what is perfect in one moment will not be perfect forever. what i strive for then is not perfection, but perhaps "good enough" for most of the time. the closest to perfection is always in one moment only, isn't it. at that very moment, it is perfect. and then the moment passes and i can only hold it in my mind. maybe that is why you always remember old lovers better than they truly are. because we only remember the good moments.

for now, this is enough.
for now, he is enough.
with some luck and hard work, perhaps as we hold our hands and continue muddling through, the imperfect lover will become a reliable companion on my journey through life.

and perhaps, for life, that is more than what anyone could wish for.