subordination is stupid, really.
and so today marks the first 3 months after I got back with Mr See. Originally I wanted to do some sort of a little "review" thingy with him. I thought it would be good to talk about 'us' proactively, instead of reactively (like after a fight). But I didn't. It's not so much a "i-am-avoiding-it" kind of didn't. I just did not.
Perhaps because I have not sorted out the random thoughts in my head. So I am not quite sure where to start either.
I scheduled a "holiday" time for myself in April this year. Since trekking got pushed back to July, I know at the back of my head I should get away for a while to regroup a little. Question is, do I plan one for myself, or with him? The moment I think of planning a trip with him, I think back to the horrid time last year when our Taiwan trip took 4 months to materialize, because he couldn't tie down a period. So even when the trip did finally happen, a part of me was highly annoyed by then. Needless to say, it was not a good trip overall. I wouldn't say it is a good trip personally. To me, I need to get away means I need to get away. Trading is high stress, and pacing myself is a very good exercise in the long run, and trust me, it will cost me much less. The longer he delayed, the more antsy I get, the worse I feel, the worse I trade. But to him, if I start pushing him for a confirmed date, I am not being understanding.
Right, to be fair, he is not aware that I needed a trip to pace myself. And stupidly, I placed him before me. Of course, even till today, it annoys me to no end that he cannot seem to think beyond his judgement that I am simply not understanding, and not because of some deeper reason for pushing for a date.
So now I have learnt, courtesy of my US trip last year. As far as trips to pace myself and clear my mind, I get priority. Period. If he can make it, fine. If he cannot, fine. It is still happening. Anyway, I see no point subordinating my own needs to his "perception" that I should be understanding. If you flip the angle, his constant delaying without realising my deeper need is not very understanding either, isn't it. Of course, to be fair, I chose to play the mute sucker and idiot in that case.
So I informed him last friday during dinner that I will be away for a while in April. Destination and actual date unknown right now. He grumbled that I did not "ask" him along. So a little compromise - He will let me know by a certain date if he can take leave in April. Otherwise I will plan for myself. Of course, belatedly I realised that we did not settle on such a "certain date" verbally. In case you are wondering, no, I will not play the sucker mute again.
In my head right now, it is a solo trip until his actions prove otherwise.
I suppose by 3rd week of March [a week I deem reasonable], if I dun hear about it from him, I'll be doing a wondrous solo trip in April.
Perhaps because I have not sorted out the random thoughts in my head. So I am not quite sure where to start either.
I scheduled a "holiday" time for myself in April this year. Since trekking got pushed back to July, I know at the back of my head I should get away for a while to regroup a little. Question is, do I plan one for myself, or with him? The moment I think of planning a trip with him, I think back to the horrid time last year when our Taiwan trip took 4 months to materialize, because he couldn't tie down a period. So even when the trip did finally happen, a part of me was highly annoyed by then. Needless to say, it was not a good trip overall. I wouldn't say it is a good trip personally. To me, I need to get away means I need to get away. Trading is high stress, and pacing myself is a very good exercise in the long run, and trust me, it will cost me much less. The longer he delayed, the more antsy I get, the worse I feel, the worse I trade. But to him, if I start pushing him for a confirmed date, I am not being understanding.
Right, to be fair, he is not aware that I needed a trip to pace myself. And stupidly, I placed him before me. Of course, even till today, it annoys me to no end that he cannot seem to think beyond his judgement that I am simply not understanding, and not because of some deeper reason for pushing for a date.
So now I have learnt, courtesy of my US trip last year. As far as trips to pace myself and clear my mind, I get priority. Period. If he can make it, fine. If he cannot, fine. It is still happening. Anyway, I see no point subordinating my own needs to his "perception" that I should be understanding. If you flip the angle, his constant delaying without realising my deeper need is not very understanding either, isn't it. Of course, to be fair, I chose to play the mute sucker and idiot in that case.
So I informed him last friday during dinner that I will be away for a while in April. Destination and actual date unknown right now. He grumbled that I did not "ask" him along. So a little compromise - He will let me know by a certain date if he can take leave in April. Otherwise I will plan for myself. Of course, belatedly I realised that we did not settle on such a "certain date" verbally. In case you are wondering, no, I will not play the sucker mute again.
In my head right now, it is a solo trip until his actions prove otherwise.
I suppose by 3rd week of March [a week I deem reasonable], if I dun hear about it from him, I'll be doing a wondrous solo trip in April.
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