here we go ..
As 2009 begins its wind-down, a moment of introspection and retrospection seem necessary. A moment is in fact a tad too short. Perhaps an afternoon or evening in quiet solitude is a better description.
2009 sucks. That would be my initial primitive gut assessment of it. In fact, whatever could go bad, did in fact go bad. You name it, it went bad. Relationship? Downhill. Family? Not exactly the pillar of support, more like the area of much messiness. Money? Let's put it this way, it is definitely a deficit than a surplus. The only positive is my friendships with others which I still like to think is 'OKAY'. But is it really? Oh well.
On the other hand, 2009 did allow the opportunity for me to reassess a lot of things from a very different viewpoint which would had not been possible had I not hit bottom on all these areas. Are those bottoms all rock-bottom? I am not sure. Maybe they are only mud-bottom, which could give way if I do not scurry fast enough to pull myself up and out soon. Tick-tock tick-tock before the mud gives way again.
And oh, I turned 30. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will be the wonderful glorious assertive 30s I had always imagined it to be in my head.
I think one of the greatest realization in 2009 is my persistence and mistake to keep insisting and trying to work towards "what ought to be", ignoring the possibility that "what ought to be" may be totally different from "what is", and "what is it that makes it tick". A clouded intention, a mistaken effort, a lot of disappointments and then, perhaps a turning point. But turning points are always only clear on hindsight. I wouldn't really know if it is truly one until many years later. But the realization is a good thing. At least I like to think so.
I have learnt to treasured clarity much more than certainty this year. Certainty is merely a fool's fantasy. Clarity in uncertainty is way more precious and empowering. Uncomfortable maybe, but at least it is real, non-deluding, and provides much more choices than persistence in a certain "certainty". Which, if you think seriously about it, leaves you without any choice but to continue down on your original path, right or wrong. That would truly be sad and desperate then, isn't it? To be without choices. Ever.
I thought about resolutions. Hmm, how different would they be from my 30th "to-be-better" intention? Not much. So perhaps there is no need to spend too much time wondering about any new resolutions. Better to spend the time and energy plugging away at those I already know I should do.
2009. Yup it definitely sucked in its own way. But in a way, I guess it is necessary. A needed journey before I can get to where I want to be.
2010? Let's go!
2009 sucks. That would be my initial primitive gut assessment of it. In fact, whatever could go bad, did in fact go bad. You name it, it went bad. Relationship? Downhill. Family? Not exactly the pillar of support, more like the area of much messiness. Money? Let's put it this way, it is definitely a deficit than a surplus. The only positive is my friendships with others which I still like to think is 'OKAY'. But is it really? Oh well.
On the other hand, 2009 did allow the opportunity for me to reassess a lot of things from a very different viewpoint which would had not been possible had I not hit bottom on all these areas. Are those bottoms all rock-bottom? I am not sure. Maybe they are only mud-bottom, which could give way if I do not scurry fast enough to pull myself up and out soon. Tick-tock tick-tock before the mud gives way again.
And oh, I turned 30. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will be the wonderful glorious assertive 30s I had always imagined it to be in my head.
I think one of the greatest realization in 2009 is my persistence and mistake to keep insisting and trying to work towards "what ought to be", ignoring the possibility that "what ought to be" may be totally different from "what is", and "what is it that makes it tick". A clouded intention, a mistaken effort, a lot of disappointments and then, perhaps a turning point. But turning points are always only clear on hindsight. I wouldn't really know if it is truly one until many years later. But the realization is a good thing. At least I like to think so.
I have learnt to treasured clarity much more than certainty this year. Certainty is merely a fool's fantasy. Clarity in uncertainty is way more precious and empowering. Uncomfortable maybe, but at least it is real, non-deluding, and provides much more choices than persistence in a certain "certainty". Which, if you think seriously about it, leaves you without any choice but to continue down on your original path, right or wrong. That would truly be sad and desperate then, isn't it? To be without choices. Ever.
I thought about resolutions. Hmm, how different would they be from my 30th "to-be-better" intention? Not much. So perhaps there is no need to spend too much time wondering about any new resolutions. Better to spend the time and energy plugging away at those I already know I should do.
2009. Yup it definitely sucked in its own way. But in a way, I guess it is necessary. A needed journey before I can get to where I want to be.
2010? Let's go!
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