thinking outloud
i struggle between the notion of "settling" & "good enough". regarding mr see, i actually verbalized my unconscious fears back in july when asked about the relationship. i wondered outloud: "i'm not sure if i'm settling."
it was not a good sign. clearly on hindsight now.
and this is one question i did not manage to answer for myself on the trip to NYC & DC. i had answered sufficiently enough questions for myself to be willing to come back home. but i did not have clarity on "settling" vs "good enough".
it is not about him. it is not even about us. it is about me. me, myself & my head.
i wonder if the perversity in this struggle is because of my misunderstanding in the rationalization of life, love, & wants. growing up, i wanted to be successful. then powerful. then rich. then fabulously rich. then simple. then happy. my wants constantly evolved and changed and i grew older. what did not change though is that i expect my romantic relationship, my man, to be the primary source of my fulfillment. unwavering commitment, unending happiness & passion & stability. but is that reasonable? or simply just too naïve. it is probably self-demeaning as well, now that i am looking at it from a fresh angle.
primary source? am i not just setting myself up for misery with such an expectation? earlier i had wondered about my own demands of couple-hood vs my individualistic streak. that was about time, energy and capacity. but peel back the layer a little, i spy the pending realization that it is not merely silly, but unhealthy to pin my life on 1 union. there should be many different sources of happiness and satisfaction in my life, not just in a romantic union. because there is no way he can fulfill everything. let's face it. neither can i for him.
underneath the layer, now i wonder about my misunderstanding in my own rationalization of approach towards love. this is about how i measure my union with whoever. if it is even sensible, reasonable & self-respecting.
hence the grappling struggle. because that is how deeply ingrained that particular notion is, how much effort i have to put in to raise my awareness above it. and how often i will slip when i am not careful.
when is a relationship a relationship? what sort of a relationship is "good enough", and that i will know truly in the deepest corner of my heart that i am not "settling". nor am i throwing away something simply because it does not fit my ingrained notion, but could potentially be good enough in fact.
how do i define for myself that the union is "good enough"?
reflecting on a statement from Michelle Obama:
".. come to a point of realizing how to carve out what kind of life I want for myself beyond who Barrack is and what he wants .. "
a question .. with no answer to google for.
it was not a good sign. clearly on hindsight now.
and this is one question i did not manage to answer for myself on the trip to NYC & DC. i had answered sufficiently enough questions for myself to be willing to come back home. but i did not have clarity on "settling" vs "good enough".
it is not about him. it is not even about us. it is about me. me, myself & my head.
i wonder if the perversity in this struggle is because of my misunderstanding in the rationalization of life, love, & wants. growing up, i wanted to be successful. then powerful. then rich. then fabulously rich. then simple. then happy. my wants constantly evolved and changed and i grew older. what did not change though is that i expect my romantic relationship, my man, to be the primary source of my fulfillment. unwavering commitment, unending happiness & passion & stability. but is that reasonable? or simply just too naïve. it is probably self-demeaning as well, now that i am looking at it from a fresh angle.
primary source? am i not just setting myself up for misery with such an expectation? earlier i had wondered about my own demands of couple-hood vs my individualistic streak. that was about time, energy and capacity. but peel back the layer a little, i spy the pending realization that it is not merely silly, but unhealthy to pin my life on 1 union. there should be many different sources of happiness and satisfaction in my life, not just in a romantic union. because there is no way he can fulfill everything. let's face it. neither can i for him.
underneath the layer, now i wonder about my misunderstanding in my own rationalization of approach towards love. this is about how i measure my union with whoever. if it is even sensible, reasonable & self-respecting.
hence the grappling struggle. because that is how deeply ingrained that particular notion is, how much effort i have to put in to raise my awareness above it. and how often i will slip when i am not careful.
when is a relationship a relationship? what sort of a relationship is "good enough", and that i will know truly in the deepest corner of my heart that i am not "settling". nor am i throwing away something simply because it does not fit my ingrained notion, but could potentially be good enough in fact.
how do i define for myself that the union is "good enough"?
reflecting on a statement from Michelle Obama:
".. come to a point of realizing how to carve out what kind of life I want for myself beyond who Barrack is and what he wants .. "
a question .. with no answer to google for.
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