dissatisfaction

ultimately dissatisfaction arises from needs not being met. always. in all situations. like efforts not recognized for careers. like toxic friends who suck out all your positivity and provide nothing for friendships. like care & concern not felt for relationships.

dissatisfaction. like a slow creep. you do not necessarily feel its initial presence. then it takes root, unconsciously, slowly. and one day, you wake up feeling like crap and unable to shake off that deadening sense. no matter what you do. and you wonder if it is here to stay like a chronic disease if you remain where you are.

it's always the little things. never one big thing. any resemblance of a "big issue" is merely the cumulative eruption of the little things. the pressure of the little things. always swept under the carpet because you fear you appear petty should you bring it up. no matter how gently you do it. how we belittle the little things. yet how much they matter.

so here i am. dissatisfied. and not quite sure how i should handle it.

should i bring up the little things, gone and past? i never had a good experience with you when i bring things up. ever. always defensive and always wanting to have the last word. i feel like i am talking to a wall. if you are "okay" with the state of things between us, while i am dissatisfied. is it a sign that i am doing things right for you, and you wrong for me? or is it simply that you are easy-going while i am not? how are we to argue over such things. humans will always definitely defend themselves to death, rightly or wrongly. do we approach it from an angle of emotional fulfillment?

a part of me is somewhat resigned to the fact that we may never have a satisfactory manner of communication without you losing your temper or raising your voice. that is who you are. but that is not who i am. making myself heard loudly and harshly is something i have to do with my parents reluctantly. i dun really want to do that with my partner. but yet.

i wonder if you can tell something is wrong.

you ask "are you okay" consistently when we are out once a week. why do you ask that? could it be the withdrawn silence, or the obvious lack of conversation even though we only see each other once a week? or is it a matter of habit? what prompt you to ask?

i am not perfect. you are not perfect. we both know that. how far can this reason be used to powder over the downsides between us? how far should this reason be used?

i fear i appear petty. i fear you raising your voice at me again. i fear you storming off saying "i give up" again. i fear i really have to let go.