Missing the comfort of basic common understanding ...
I was in an alright mood today. Considering that I managed to get quite a bit of reading done today, I should be quite happy with how my day turned out. I even managed to meet some Uni friends for dinner. But somehow, for some reasons unknown to me earlier, I lapsed into what my friend noticed as "quiet" mood during dinner. Actually it was slight "depression" mode, unknown to people around.
I didn't talk a lot, which apparently was pretty noticeable. I infer that normally I come with a lot of noise. I know something was not quite right, something I could not put my finger on as well. Being in the company of friends outside is not quite the right time for introspection or to ponder on your own mood swings. So I left it as that.
Meaningless internet surfing, with its countless clicking, does put one's active mind on auto-pilot and lets the sub-conscious mind set in.
I know what was wrong.
Somehow, the friendship had turned a little distant, a little cold tonight. Maybe I was thinking too much, being too sensitive. It does count as a huge deal to me when I have nothing to say to my friends, nothing to joke about, nothing to share. It felt like there was nothing in common. Silence can be deafening. Tonight's silence over dinner table was a little too loud and its duration progressively longer. How can 4 people sitting at the same table not have anything much to say? Even strangers have the weather to discuss about.
Conversations used to flow flawlessly from one topic to another, without much of the deafening bouts of silence. Could this be the pangs of growing up, when one another's experience differs so much that we can no longer relate? And that one another's thoughts and focus in life begins to deviate, and hence less grounds for sharing and talking?
I miss the comfort of understanding; of common focus in life; of the similarities of experience; and of the knowledge that you are not quite alone.
I hope I am just being entirely wrong on this matter. I hate this stupid feeling of "depression" anyway. Maybe it is just PMS; maybe I am just being too sensitive; maybe I can will all these away.
Didn't people say the will of humans is stronger than steel? Maybe I can will all these negativity away.
I didn't talk a lot, which apparently was pretty noticeable. I infer that normally I come with a lot of noise. I know something was not quite right, something I could not put my finger on as well. Being in the company of friends outside is not quite the right time for introspection or to ponder on your own mood swings. So I left it as that.
Meaningless internet surfing, with its countless clicking, does put one's active mind on auto-pilot and lets the sub-conscious mind set in.
I know what was wrong.
Somehow, the friendship had turned a little distant, a little cold tonight. Maybe I was thinking too much, being too sensitive. It does count as a huge deal to me when I have nothing to say to my friends, nothing to joke about, nothing to share. It felt like there was nothing in common. Silence can be deafening. Tonight's silence over dinner table was a little too loud and its duration progressively longer. How can 4 people sitting at the same table not have anything much to say? Even strangers have the weather to discuss about.
Conversations used to flow flawlessly from one topic to another, without much of the deafening bouts of silence. Could this be the pangs of growing up, when one another's experience differs so much that we can no longer relate? And that one another's thoughts and focus in life begins to deviate, and hence less grounds for sharing and talking?
I miss the comfort of understanding; of common focus in life; of the similarities of experience; and of the knowledge that you are not quite alone.
I hope I am just being entirely wrong on this matter. I hate this stupid feeling of "depression" anyway. Maybe it is just PMS; maybe I am just being too sensitive; maybe I can will all these away.
Didn't people say the will of humans is stronger than steel? Maybe I can will all these negativity away.
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