when my mind fails me

There is a dominant side of me where i extrapolate things, divide things, and approach life in a very linear fashion. It is formulaic. Slavishly. It is also rigid, routine and dead. For some aspects of my life, this works. Perfectly. Beautifully. Afterall, 1+1=2. You cannot argue with the logic and beauty in the formula. Like, oh! Savings, calorie counting, time management, accounting. Basically numbers stuff. Lucky for me, the world runs somewhat decently on numbers.

It is those bits which does not. And those are the bits when shit tends to hit the fan. And those are the bits when it gets stressful, emotional, alive, and disappointing. Like, oh, I dunno? Relationships, trading, my own mood swings. Basically the things i cannot rearrange into a formula in my own head; these are the bits when i realized slowly hard work counts for nuts; 不是你努力用心就可以了。All the good intentions are just good intentions. These are the bits when I should not expect the results I want just because I had good intentions and tried.

Because that is life.

And it is not linear generally.

Not most of the time anyway.

And those are the bits that I am not comfortable with.

And those are the bits that generally do not see the sunlight.

Which I deal with in my own darkness.

If it is not linear, what is it?

I struggle with it.

Especially when it does not work.

And I cannot toss it out and get a new one.

Is it exponential?

Or like a bell curve?

An ECG wave?

Or with a rhythm like the ocean?

You notice, I'm still trying to fit it into a formula which I may perhaps understand. No, not formula. Framework. Lens. Let me rephrase: it has been a struggle to reformulate my dominant formulaic self into a more holistic framework where I can live with the bits that work, and accept the bits that does not graciously. Yes, it all sounds very contrived, and a little like I have nothing better to do with my life other than to constantly rebalance, reassess, rethink.

My friends laugh at me for being too goddamn logical and rational, while I sink into my own depths for the bits where logic fails me.

I suspect, for better or worse.

This will actually be my lifelong battle.

My own balance.

And acceptance.