Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Today had been quite an embarrassing day at work today.

I have never been able to control myself very well physically when discussing issues or matters close to my heart with people I'm not very comfortable and familiar with. Let me explain myself - everything I explain/discuss issues close to my heart and self, I tend to get a little choked up and tear easily. Do not get me wrong. It's not that I cry easily or get upset easily. It's just really a physical reaction! I tear easily (if I'm not careful) when talking about sensitive issues with people. And oh yes! My nose would turn red as well, an obvious red embarrassingly.

This physical reaction was the cause of my embarrassment at work today, in front of my counseling manager today.

Every half a year, we would have a "counseling session" with our designated manager to discuss our career paths and our work experiences so far. Within the firm, this counseling session is always considered a "for-show" only kind of activity which we all have to get through with no value-added. For some personal reasons only known to myself, I have resolved not to let my counseling session be a no-value adding session again like prior years. I decided that I would be very frank with my thoughts about my working
experience with the firm and I would be very honest that I'm doubting my direction in career and life generally.

It is already obvious that I'm going to let my manager on to something quite personal in my life. So guess what happened? When I broach the topic, my physical reaction came. Eyes teared a little, nose turned red a little and sniffled a little. Extremely embarrassingly as far as I'm concerned, but I refused to be embarrassed by myself to stop the honesty that was coming.

However I'm very grateful to my manager for not questioning and asking but was patiently listening all the while. For this, thanks a lot, Kien. I came clean about how all the seniors in the firm are not quite happy with the style of management in the firm. I came clean about how stressful it can be working. I came clean that I'm questioning why I'm putting myself in the position I am currently in. I came clean that I'm questioning my direction in life.

And I'm heartened to know that my manager could understand and could lend a listening ear. What does he think about this sniffling senior, I do not really care. But I'm glad he cared enough to tell me that I need to take sometime off and really consider my direction in life. He could have turned the other way and just judged me as a youth who has no idea what she was talking about.I'm happy that he did not do that. Instead he proved himself to be a really nice chap about the whole counseling session.