Today I had lunch with 2 close colleagues, and during that lunch I announced my intention to resign from the job half a year earlier than I originally intended to. Their reaction was one full of surprise, not the positive surprise I had envisaged, but not negative either. I was met with "whys" and "what about your CPA?" In fact, their common stand was that since I'll be finishing the peak, I might as well just stay for that half a year more and get my CPA.
Perhaps.
That was my thinking in 2003.
I do not deny that for a brief while, I felt foolish in front of them for even thinking of resigning only after I have finished my peak. But now that I'm alone and quiet, I need to sit down, think it through carefully again, write it down and assure myself that my decision (as it is standing now) is not the least foolish or silly.
A CPA is only good professionally if I want to be an accountant in the future. But I do not have that intent at all. Between an auditor and an accountant, I would rather be an auditor. If my current desires do not even include being an auditor, why should I settle for a "title" that holds no future for me. It does not bring me any happiness when I tell myself that I hold a CPA, and neither does it bring any joy to anyone else except for the purpose of "showoff-ing". I see no good reason to convince myself that I need a CPA even.
My previous justification for obtaining my CPA was just one big fat lousy excuse to stay in my little miserable hole and postpone any decisions. In a way, perhaps buy myself some time. But at the beginning of 2004, I promised myself courage and guts. That was my New Year resolution. I do not need to justify my existence to my family or whoever whatsoever. It is my life.
If so, why am I staying for the audit peak? I am in this position where I am because of my dreams since I was 15. I am not an auditor by accident or by chance. I put myself in this current situation. I dropped triple science and went forth with commence in JC although all my classmates and teachers thought I was crazy. I had always imagined myself to be a successful businesswoman or professional executive since that age. I am there right now, at the gate, heading towards that right direction. I already know how the rest of my 10 years ahead of me would turn out if I stay in as an auditor. I know exactly the milestones and steps.
But it's just that my desires right now vs when I was 15 varies quite a bit. The wants and needs are different, which explains why I wish to head off in an entirely different direction. However before I head off in that different direction, I want to finish the peak as it is. In a way I'm paying tribute to my own dreams which began 10 years ago. I want to be able to tell myself when I'm older and wiser, "15 year-old fantasy - Be a professional. Check! Been there, done that."
I just want to be responsible to my desires and dreams. No doubt that I wanted to leave way earlier, even about 2 years ago. Back then I wanted to go because I dislike being an auditor. I would accept anything as long as it's not auditing, but still in the corporate world. In a way, I was being "ren xing". I just wanted out even though I still hold the dreams of being a successful executive.
Right now it's an entirely different ballgame. The job is no longer the repelling factor. In fact, I could always stay, no big deal. I was told (by more than 1 person) that my personality suits the demanding lifestyle of an auditor. If so, why do I still want to go?
Life is often a series of trade-offs, a cycle of experiences and we are constantly defining ourselves by the decisions that we make. I commit my time and effort to my work as an auditor for the past 2 years. I worked hard, I tried and I really did. But I feel myself getting restless and empty. I wondered out loud repeatedly "there must be more to life than just sleep, work & sleep again." I began to feel trapped. I began to wonder exactly what does it mean to live my life. I do not want to commit my time and effort to an activity just because it carries a lot of prestige in other people's opinion or because it earns me more money. And most importantly, I do not want to constantly justify to myself why I am staying put in this profession or this career when I do not care the least bit for the results it provides. It felt like a losing battle.
There are already armies of people who lead live of quiet despondency everyday. They are unfilled, unhappy and uncertain of their lives. I want no part of this. Sometimes walking amongst them, I would smile wryly and think "the land of the living dead".
I do not want to have my eye on the wrong prize in my life. The thing about the rat race in today's society is even if you win the race, you are still nothing but a rat. I do not want to put myself in the regrettable position of not daring to change because of the financial security it offers or because of other people's opinion of what a successful life should be.
Often, what most modern being in the street defines as a successful life consists of only a few components - career; money, the size of your car and the district you stay in.
I firmly believe if I live by that definition, I have my eye on the wrong prize. I do not want to define my self-worth by my job. A job is nothing more than an economic transaction in the modern society. I am only part of a commercial transaction and I will only be valued by my contribution and nothing else. It does not matter whether I'm loyal, happy or committed. I trust firmly that life embodies much more than the amount of wealth that one accumulates. Call it blind trust but I am sure it includes elements like friends, health, family, happiness, inner peace and balance. I want to smile more, laugh more, bask in sunshine, appreciate the rain, enjoy the wind. I want to be kind, funny, appreciated, empathetic, wiser, non-judgmental and patient. The exact soft elements that the society neglect in their rush to amplify status, money & prestige.
I know deep down inside me that life will just become a deadening routine if I continue on the path I am currently on. A life chained to routine and fear, killing all other hopes, dreams and desires. Then I'll be counting down to my retirement age, none the wiser with different life experiences and none the happier with my decisions in life. I do not wish to ponder wistfully in my old age, wondering "what-if" or how different my life would have been.
This realization and knowledge of life makes it critical that I carry some courage and act on my decision at this point in my life. I need to have some faith in my own beliefs, against other people's opinion and insecurities. If I cannot even convince myself to be brave and act on my decision at this stage of my life, at this age, when many "considerations" are actually not a big deal, I can probably never convince myself in the future when I'm older and more resistant to changes.
I admit right now I am not sure what I hope to achieve by going off in another direction. Everything is still in a fog. But I hope that by taking some time off, the fog may clear. I want to stop rushing with my life. Where the hell am I rushing to anyway? I want to give myself the time and chance to consider and evaluate the factors that are important in my life, and check how I can ensure I can live my life with as little regrets as possible. It is not always about money, it is not always about a career. It is about my life. So do not ask me what I want to do. Ask me how I want to live my life. My grave will not read "here lies a lady with a hell lot of money", or "here lies a lady with a glorious career". I want it to read "here lies a lady loved and appreciated by many".
I may never achieve what I hope to achieve. There are risks and there may be losses. There will be ups and downs and I'm sure there will be days when I will look back and ponder on the wisdom of my decisions. There will be insecurities and there will be doubts. But I want to try and I want to be able to look back in the years to come and smile with the knowledge that I did try, no matter the outcome but still grateful for the experiences.
Life is about experiences, but experiences will never come if one just sits in his original position and wait. You need to decide what sort of experiences you want and seek them out and take the plunge, if necessary. Life will not change just by thinking about it. Thoughts at the end of the day are just simply fleeting thoughts. There is only one thin line between thoughts, dreams and reality, and that is courage and some faith.
For the people reading this, call me crazy, or call me a spoilt rich brat. Whatever. But I know what I am chasing after, and it is not the life of a bummer as what many people thought. I just want to give myself a chance for a different lifestyle, a balanced life. For richer or poorer; for certainty or uncertainty; for fulfillment or un-fulfillment; but definitely for happier state of mind without regrets.
I do not imagine that you would understand, however I do hope you would not judge. After all I do not judge your life, and I do not tell you how to live your life.
I'm not writing all these down to prove anything to anyone. I see no need and no point. It is solely my life after all. But writing all these down makes me feel more grounded, and acts as a record to my own thoughts at this stage in my life.
Recently there is a phase which I picked up from my sister. Simply - let's do it.
It suggests guts and taking responsibilities for your own choices instead of waiting for someone to make the decision for you.
I like that.
Perhaps.
That was my thinking in 2003.
I do not deny that for a brief while, I felt foolish in front of them for even thinking of resigning only after I have finished my peak. But now that I'm alone and quiet, I need to sit down, think it through carefully again, write it down and assure myself that my decision (as it is standing now) is not the least foolish or silly.
A CPA is only good professionally if I want to be an accountant in the future. But I do not have that intent at all. Between an auditor and an accountant, I would rather be an auditor. If my current desires do not even include being an auditor, why should I settle for a "title" that holds no future for me. It does not bring me any happiness when I tell myself that I hold a CPA, and neither does it bring any joy to anyone else except for the purpose of "showoff-ing". I see no good reason to convince myself that I need a CPA even.
My previous justification for obtaining my CPA was just one big fat lousy excuse to stay in my little miserable hole and postpone any decisions. In a way, perhaps buy myself some time. But at the beginning of 2004, I promised myself courage and guts. That was my New Year resolution. I do not need to justify my existence to my family or whoever whatsoever. It is my life.
If so, why am I staying for the audit peak? I am in this position where I am because of my dreams since I was 15. I am not an auditor by accident or by chance. I put myself in this current situation. I dropped triple science and went forth with commence in JC although all my classmates and teachers thought I was crazy. I had always imagined myself to be a successful businesswoman or professional executive since that age. I am there right now, at the gate, heading towards that right direction. I already know how the rest of my 10 years ahead of me would turn out if I stay in as an auditor. I know exactly the milestones and steps.
But it's just that my desires right now vs when I was 15 varies quite a bit. The wants and needs are different, which explains why I wish to head off in an entirely different direction. However before I head off in that different direction, I want to finish the peak as it is. In a way I'm paying tribute to my own dreams which began 10 years ago. I want to be able to tell myself when I'm older and wiser, "15 year-old fantasy - Be a professional. Check! Been there, done that."
I just want to be responsible to my desires and dreams. No doubt that I wanted to leave way earlier, even about 2 years ago. Back then I wanted to go because I dislike being an auditor. I would accept anything as long as it's not auditing, but still in the corporate world. In a way, I was being "ren xing". I just wanted out even though I still hold the dreams of being a successful executive.
Right now it's an entirely different ballgame. The job is no longer the repelling factor. In fact, I could always stay, no big deal. I was told (by more than 1 person) that my personality suits the demanding lifestyle of an auditor. If so, why do I still want to go?
Life is often a series of trade-offs, a cycle of experiences and we are constantly defining ourselves by the decisions that we make. I commit my time and effort to my work as an auditor for the past 2 years. I worked hard, I tried and I really did. But I feel myself getting restless and empty. I wondered out loud repeatedly "there must be more to life than just sleep, work & sleep again." I began to feel trapped. I began to wonder exactly what does it mean to live my life. I do not want to commit my time and effort to an activity just because it carries a lot of prestige in other people's opinion or because it earns me more money. And most importantly, I do not want to constantly justify to myself why I am staying put in this profession or this career when I do not care the least bit for the results it provides. It felt like a losing battle.
There are already armies of people who lead live of quiet despondency everyday. They are unfilled, unhappy and uncertain of their lives. I want no part of this. Sometimes walking amongst them, I would smile wryly and think "the land of the living dead".
I do not want to have my eye on the wrong prize in my life. The thing about the rat race in today's society is even if you win the race, you are still nothing but a rat. I do not want to put myself in the regrettable position of not daring to change because of the financial security it offers or because of other people's opinion of what a successful life should be.
Often, what most modern being in the street defines as a successful life consists of only a few components - career; money, the size of your car and the district you stay in.
I firmly believe if I live by that definition, I have my eye on the wrong prize. I do not want to define my self-worth by my job. A job is nothing more than an economic transaction in the modern society. I am only part of a commercial transaction and I will only be valued by my contribution and nothing else. It does not matter whether I'm loyal, happy or committed. I trust firmly that life embodies much more than the amount of wealth that one accumulates. Call it blind trust but I am sure it includes elements like friends, health, family, happiness, inner peace and balance. I want to smile more, laugh more, bask in sunshine, appreciate the rain, enjoy the wind. I want to be kind, funny, appreciated, empathetic, wiser, non-judgmental and patient. The exact soft elements that the society neglect in their rush to amplify status, money & prestige.
I know deep down inside me that life will just become a deadening routine if I continue on the path I am currently on. A life chained to routine and fear, killing all other hopes, dreams and desires. Then I'll be counting down to my retirement age, none the wiser with different life experiences and none the happier with my decisions in life. I do not wish to ponder wistfully in my old age, wondering "what-if" or how different my life would have been.
This realization and knowledge of life makes it critical that I carry some courage and act on my decision at this point in my life. I need to have some faith in my own beliefs, against other people's opinion and insecurities. If I cannot even convince myself to be brave and act on my decision at this stage of my life, at this age, when many "considerations" are actually not a big deal, I can probably never convince myself in the future when I'm older and more resistant to changes.
I admit right now I am not sure what I hope to achieve by going off in another direction. Everything is still in a fog. But I hope that by taking some time off, the fog may clear. I want to stop rushing with my life. Where the hell am I rushing to anyway? I want to give myself the time and chance to consider and evaluate the factors that are important in my life, and check how I can ensure I can live my life with as little regrets as possible. It is not always about money, it is not always about a career. It is about my life. So do not ask me what I want to do. Ask me how I want to live my life. My grave will not read "here lies a lady with a hell lot of money", or "here lies a lady with a glorious career". I want it to read "here lies a lady loved and appreciated by many".
I may never achieve what I hope to achieve. There are risks and there may be losses. There will be ups and downs and I'm sure there will be days when I will look back and ponder on the wisdom of my decisions. There will be insecurities and there will be doubts. But I want to try and I want to be able to look back in the years to come and smile with the knowledge that I did try, no matter the outcome but still grateful for the experiences.
Life is about experiences, but experiences will never come if one just sits in his original position and wait. You need to decide what sort of experiences you want and seek them out and take the plunge, if necessary. Life will not change just by thinking about it. Thoughts at the end of the day are just simply fleeting thoughts. There is only one thin line between thoughts, dreams and reality, and that is courage and some faith.
For the people reading this, call me crazy, or call me a spoilt rich brat. Whatever. But I know what I am chasing after, and it is not the life of a bummer as what many people thought. I just want to give myself a chance for a different lifestyle, a balanced life. For richer or poorer; for certainty or uncertainty; for fulfillment or un-fulfillment; but definitely for happier state of mind without regrets.
I do not imagine that you would understand, however I do hope you would not judge. After all I do not judge your life, and I do not tell you how to live your life.
I'm not writing all these down to prove anything to anyone. I see no need and no point. It is solely my life after all. But writing all these down makes me feel more grounded, and acts as a record to my own thoughts at this stage in my life.
Recently there is a phase which I picked up from my sister. Simply - let's do it.
It suggests guts and taking responsibilities for your own choices instead of waiting for someone to make the decision for you.
I like that.
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