All these time and with all these blogs, it's easy to conclude that I'm having some issues with "what shall I do with my life", the purpose of my existence here, and also finally what really makes me tick, what sort of simple pleasures bring me happiness.
There are days when I really wanted some sort of clarity, like a Eureka moment. Then at least I would stop pondering and move on. But yet, a part of me likes the position I'm in now – Standing at a crossroad with paths ahead of me. It suggests infinite possibilities and outcomes. Such a thought really brings a twinkle of joy a dreamer like me. It makes you feel like a kid again; when you could be anyone you want to be!
Sometimes I feel almost foolish for wanting something else in life when others view me to be in a pretty nifty societal position. And the inability to communicate clearly to others what I crave for only adds on to that feeling. How is it possible to translate your dreams, thoughts and desires into words when they are fleeting like clouds? But that exact inability casts doubts in other people's mind. After all, if you do not know what you want, how are you going to move on from here to there? Wouldn't you just become a "wanderer" in life and just waste your time?
But I do not wish to doubt my desire for another lifestyle just because this did not come to me in a loud & booming voice. Instead, it came like a whisper, a whimper. It was so soft so surreal like a dream that you do not know whether to acknowledge it.
Sometimes I would think: “If this is really so important, then you wouldn’t be so torn and conflicted about it. There wouldn’t be so much inner tension. So why don’t you just ignore this and just live your life as it is now. You would still be a corporate executive you always wanted to be and you can still maintain the lifestyle & image you are used to.” There are times when I really felt like that. Then, the whispering and whimpering came again. Not any louder, but still there. I realized I can no longer convince myself of that anymore.
As slight as this urge and desire may be, it is there. This I cannot deny. As much as I would appreciate a clearer view of my desire, deep down I know I need to take some time to nurture this desire before it becomes a vision, a purpose. I have no idea what and how much it would take for this nurturing. But what have I got to lose?
I guess apart from my dignity in front of others, my own insecurities perhaps? For some people, that constitutes their “everything in life”. What is my “everything”? I do not have any answer to that. But I’m sure it does not constitute of just money, other people’s perceptions & a career.
Should I lose all these, but gained some nuggets of life experiences that would turn into pearls of wisdom as I age, would that be worth it?
There are days when I really wanted some sort of clarity, like a Eureka moment. Then at least I would stop pondering and move on. But yet, a part of me likes the position I'm in now – Standing at a crossroad with paths ahead of me. It suggests infinite possibilities and outcomes. Such a thought really brings a twinkle of joy a dreamer like me. It makes you feel like a kid again; when you could be anyone you want to be!
Sometimes I feel almost foolish for wanting something else in life when others view me to be in a pretty nifty societal position. And the inability to communicate clearly to others what I crave for only adds on to that feeling. How is it possible to translate your dreams, thoughts and desires into words when they are fleeting like clouds? But that exact inability casts doubts in other people's mind. After all, if you do not know what you want, how are you going to move on from here to there? Wouldn't you just become a "wanderer" in life and just waste your time?
But I do not wish to doubt my desire for another lifestyle just because this did not come to me in a loud & booming voice. Instead, it came like a whisper, a whimper. It was so soft so surreal like a dream that you do not know whether to acknowledge it.
Sometimes I would think: “If this is really so important, then you wouldn’t be so torn and conflicted about it. There wouldn’t be so much inner tension. So why don’t you just ignore this and just live your life as it is now. You would still be a corporate executive you always wanted to be and you can still maintain the lifestyle & image you are used to.” There are times when I really felt like that. Then, the whispering and whimpering came again. Not any louder, but still there. I realized I can no longer convince myself of that anymore.
As slight as this urge and desire may be, it is there. This I cannot deny. As much as I would appreciate a clearer view of my desire, deep down I know I need to take some time to nurture this desire before it becomes a vision, a purpose. I have no idea what and how much it would take for this nurturing. But what have I got to lose?
I guess apart from my dignity in front of others, my own insecurities perhaps? For some people, that constitutes their “everything in life”. What is my “everything”? I do not have any answer to that. But I’m sure it does not constitute of just money, other people’s perceptions & a career.
Should I lose all these, but gained some nuggets of life experiences that would turn into pearls of wisdom as I age, would that be worth it?
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