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Sometimes, I think I forget to breathe. Then I find myself breathing very forcefully all of a sudden. It happens. Biologically it is probably impossible that i actually did not breathe. I probably did. But not in the manner that is good for me; that works for me; that calms me.

Sometimes, I'm chewing but not really eating. I put things into my mouth and chew mechanically. Then I am all done in 10 minutes and am back at whatever i was doing. Preoccupied, chewing and swallowing. But not eating.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I forgot to be good to myself. A hurricane of activities. News! Trading! Economics! Errands! And I lie in bed, staring at the only illuminated blink on the air-conditioner, thinking: where did my days go? Why am i not sleeping well?

有一种压抑是恐怖的。是一种你自己都不知道存在的压抑。然后当某一天冒了出来，你才恍然。原来自己紧绷了。刚过的礼拜六是忙碌的。偶尔上天跟我这闲人开的玩笑，我怎么上午，下午，晚上都会有事？不过就是这样。看了一套我很喜欢很喜欢的《男男自语》后，在急忙赶回家换衣服准备喝喜酒的路上，不知道为什么，也没为了什么特别的事，开车时就哭了。没哭太久，没哭很惨，不过就是大哭了。

是惊吓，是奇怪。我在干嘛？我在干嘛？我在干嘛？

过后是一种轻松。我不知道我为什么哭了，但或许，我是需要哭的。或许这需要很久了，只是我不知道，也不同意。然而，生命几时会等你同意了什么才给你什么？给的，有时是需要的，有时是成长，有时是不幸，偶尔是过后才知道的好。

Forgetting to breathe. chewing but not eating. not sleeping all that well. Signs. All signs that I knew. Ignoring them all until the one which could not be ignored.

The lesson? Whatever it is, it is not working.

Face it. Fix it.