People get dreams. I get images flashing in my head when I am conscious. Sometimes when daydreaming, sometimes when meditating. Not that dreams work for me. I hardly remember anything I dreamt of anyway. And so, these past 4 weeks in July, I have this image flashing in my head. Well, at least something that looks like that.
A wolf. Looking straight into my eyes. In certain moments of clarity, sometimes I only see its eyes. Certain, strong and unflinching.
I am not scared. Perhaps I should be. Why would nice ladies get images of an Alaskan wolf looking at them? But I am not scared. In fact, I felt strangely comforted in my mind. I think, “Hey you”. And I dun feel so alone.
I told all these to John. In his opinion, I am looking at myself. But why now at this juncture of my life, I have to find out for myself.
A running joke between Mr See and me is that I should be more docile since my chinese horoscope is sheep, or goat. Whatever. The pivotal word being “should”. Clearly I am not. My bazi teacher told me a long time ago not to mistake myself as a 羊. 因为我绝对不是. I have never wondered otherwise then what I should be. But John has pointed out. Perhaps he is right. A wolf is a better representation of who I am. So that is why I am not scared; why I feel comforted; why I want to give it a good rub on the nose in my head.
I still do not have that moment of “Ah-ha” when I truly know why the wolf is flashing in my head. But slowly, perhaps I am understanding it in my own time and space.
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I have a trip coming up to Taiwan this Sunday, till 14th with Mr See. I ought to be excited about it. I am interested to see Taiwan and all it has to offer. Excited? Not too sure. I like to attribute it the fact that the trip took 4 months to happen that all enthusiasm has long leaked away. Well, I was excited about a trip in March, or April, or May. Now? I'm hoping it'll be a nice trip. That's about it.
Is that sad? 2 friends we met separately for meals told me privately we are lacking a certain stickiness & closeness that couples have. That, honestly I have to agree. I have had random thoughts on this but I have yet managed to arrange them in my head in a cohesive manner. Between March and now, a lot of things and statements and actions have transpired between us that forced me to privately take a step back and relook the dynamics of the relationship.
I am not unhappy. But neither am I happy. That sums it up.
And right now from my vantage point, there is deliberation. On very random and sporadic stuff. Again not cohesive in any manner worthy of any decisions or conclusions. Which basically means, I am in neutral gear.
