here we go ..

As 2009 begins its wind-down, a moment of introspection and retrospection seem necessary. A moment is in fact a tad too short. Perhaps an afternoon or evening in quiet solitude is a better description.

2009 sucks. That would be my initial primitive gut assessment of it. In fact, whatever could go bad, did in fact go bad. You name it, it went bad. Relationship? Downhill. Family? Not exactly the pillar of support, more like the area of much messiness. Money? Let's put it this way, it is definitely a deficit than a surplus. The only positive is my friendships with others which I still like to think is 'OKAY'. But is it really? Oh well.

On the other hand, 2009 did allow the opportunity for me to reassess a lot of things from a very different viewpoint which would had not been possible had I not hit bottom on all these areas. Are those bottoms all rock-bottom? I am not sure. Maybe they are only mud-bottom, which could give way if I do not scurry fast enough to pull myself up and out soon. Tick-tock tick-tock before the mud gives way again.

And oh, I turned 30. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will be the wonderful glorious assertive 30s I had always imagined it to be in my head.

I think one of the greatest realization in 2009 is my persistence and mistake to keep insisting and trying to work towards "what ought to be", ignoring the possibility that "what ought to be" may be totally different from "what is", and "what is it that makes it tick". A clouded intention, a mistaken effort, a lot of disappointments and then, perhaps a turning point. But turning points are always only clear on hindsight. I wouldn't really know if it is truly one until many years later. But the realization is a good thing. At least I like to think so.

I have learnt to treasured clarity much more than certainty this year. Certainty is merely a fool's fantasy. Clarity in uncertainty is way more precious and empowering. Uncomfortable maybe, but at least it is real, non-deluding, and provides much more choices than persistence in a certain "certainty". Which, if you think seriously about it, leaves you without any choice but to continue down on your original path, right or wrong. That would truly be sad and desperate then, isn't it? To be without choices. Ever.

I thought about resolutions. Hmm, how different would they be from my 30th "to-be-better" intention? Not much. So perhaps there is no need to spend too much time wondering about any new resolutions. Better to spend the time and energy plugging away at those I already know I should do.

2009. Yup it definitely sucked in its own way. But in a way, I guess it is necessary. A needed journey before I can get to where I want to be.
2010? Let's go!

寒

有时，突然想明白了什么，心里一阵寒。
心灰意冷的寒，知道有些事不是努力就行了的寒。
然后听见自己问自己：
Now what?

寒不一定是坏事。
至少寒了的心情不会情绪化。
思考更清脆，更清醒。

Now what?
耐心。要有耐心。
最好的答案有时需要一点时间才会出现。

thinking outloud

i struggle between the notion of "settling" & "good enough". regarding mr see, i actually verbalized my unconscious fears back in july when asked about the relationship. i wondered outloud: "i'm not sure if i'm settling."

it was not a good sign. clearly on hindsight now.

and this is one question i did not manage to answer for myself on the trip to NYC & DC. i had answered sufficiently enough questions for myself to be willing to come back home. but i did not have clarity on "settling" vs "good enough".

it is not about him. it is not even about us. it is about me. me, myself & my head.

i wonder if the perversity in this struggle is because of my misunderstanding in the rationalization of life, love, & wants. growing up, i wanted to be successful. then powerful. then rich. then fabulously rich. then simple. then happy. my wants constantly evolved and changed and i grew older. what did not change though is that i expect my romantic relationship, my man, to be the primary source of my fulfillment. unwavering commitment, unending happiness & passion & stability. but is that reasonable? or simply just too naïve. it is probably self-demeaning as well, now that i am looking at it from a fresh angle.

primary source? am i not just setting myself up for misery with such an expectation? earlier i had wondered about my own demands of couple-hood vs my individualistic streak. that was about time, energy and capacity. but peel back the layer a little, i spy the pending realization that it is not merely silly, but unhealthy to pin my life on 1 union. there should be many different sources of happiness and satisfaction in my life, not just in a romantic union. because there is no way he can fulfill everything. let's face it. neither can i for him.

underneath the layer, now i wonder about my misunderstanding in my own rationalization of approach towards love. this is about how i measure my union with whoever. if it is even sensible, reasonable & self-respecting.

hence the grappling struggle. because that is how deeply ingrained that particular notion is, how much effort i have to put in to raise my awareness above it. and how often i will slip when i am not careful.

when is a relationship a relationship? what sort of a relationship is "good enough", and that i will know truly in the deepest corner of my heart that i am not "settling". nor am i throwing away something simply because it does not fit my ingrained notion, but could potentially be good enough in fact.

how do i define for myself that the union is "good enough"?

reflecting on a statement from Michelle Obama:
".. come to a point of realizing how to carve out what kind of life I want for myself beyond who Barrack is and what he wants .. "

a question .. with no answer to google for.

没什么不同

life. A way or manner of living
live. At the actual time of occurrence, ie. Live Music.

不同的意思。不同的拼法。一样的发音。

然后仔细想一想。或许没那么不同。
"Live" 是什么？不管什么，它就是不能从来。
"Life" 是什么？什么定义都不重要。最重要是它也不能从来。
至少，时间不能从来。

或许，我们都该 live life live.