雨天。发呆。杂记。

冷冷的雨天。下了一天的雨。还在下。
走来走去，走上走下。被父亲气到爆。
自己的房间，耳机，发呆。别打扰。

~ 如果那时我用 "a moment of madness" 来解释和奕名在一起。那现在分开的理由是 "a moment of clarity". 是愚昧还是天真？是遗憾还是歉意？也不重要了。难过后，泪水后，沉淀后，摸索。我还是我。我还有我想成就的，我想看的，我想做的。不知道为什么，今天的雨天，想起了华盛顿。I want to be there now.

~ Serendipity or coincidence? iTunes 播了《我的失败与伟大》。我终于明白这首歌了。共鸣！
" 是不是我没能够感动你的天才
还是没有接受你的胸怀
可是恋爱明明由两个人去主宰
怎会是我只有是我觉得自己很失败 "

笑了。这样的反应还okay吧。

~ 发生了所有的事，别人听了，觉得”哦，你好坚强镇定！“
坚强有的选的吗？垮了，又有什么用？对自己，对家人有帮助吗？并没直接选择了坚强，它只是紧紧跟随在”别夸“的背后。不哭不笑也有大喜大悲。

~ 知不知道，最容易大哭的时候，除了在一个人的房里，就是一个人在高速公路飞奔的车里。

~ 又看了纽约华盛顿的相片，我可以回到那里吗？

“I feel, therefore I am free” ~ Audre Lorde quoted by Elif Shafak

3 weeks of grooving in my gravel, with the cancer news & the breakup, i think i am getting some regularity and normalcy back. Somehow, i manage. Strangely. Things should settle, the family should move forward. Good or bad. And so will my emotions and state of mind.

Clarity is something that is only dusted off when screamed for. And silent screaming is something done rather often since 9th Dec 2010. And clarity moves hesitantly forward, bit by bit. But it arrives, eventually. Thankfully.

Yesterday's dark clouds. A solo drive home. An album that was with me to NYC/DC last year. An eventual mix of time travel. I was brought back to the trip briefly in my mind, in my mood. A smile. A tap to the beat on the steering wheel. A relief I can still lighten up.

The ironic part is we don't like our father very much, as a person, as a character. But we don't have a choice in choosing our father. So we do what we have to as daughters. Given my impatience and temper, I gather I do not fulfill as much as he wants. But I try, we all do. As our predestined duties.

The irony is, I know, most of my friends can tell Mr See is not for me. I have heard friendly comments & advice by and by. I have just chosen to believe otherwise. And when belief turns into disbelief, I have to acknowledge the power of choice & consequences in choosing my partner in my life. I tried, we all do. It is not to be.

I think, therefore I am.
I feel, therefore I am free.
I am learning. Constantly.

跨年听的歌

Load 了ipod. On shuffle. 和妹妹们听了一小时的张清芳。是种特别的享受。听着听着，大家又回到那时的自己。

跨年的那一刻，我们听着≪让我们相爱≫。就如老二所言："this is mega! " 超好歌的意思。大家笑了。

开心，安慰地跨年。让我们开心，勇敢。让我们也学会爱。

≪让我们相爱≫
作词：姚谦　作曲：蒋三省

让我们相爱让我们交换了未来
因为爱慢慢慢的来
别让它淡淡淡走开
让我们相爱让我们忘记旧伤害
只身在茫茫茫人海
爱只能邂逅在意外
太含蓄的人错过爱
太贪心的人容易忽略了爱
我们都做好暖身和等待
何不现在让我们相爱