if i may be frank ...

one thing that matters a lot to me between two people is whether one can be frank without malice, and that the frankness does not bring forth ill-feelings. that, to me, is what a relationship is built on. be it romantic, friendly or family.

i ignored such warning bells before. i ignored my inability to be frank with Mr See. i did get a nice blow-up in my face along with a huge wastage of my own time. so i learn. and i keep learning.

"why have you girls been quiet?"  

i stared at the message, not quite sure how i should respond.

we have been quiet for a really long time already. you only picked it up now. the gaps have been nothing short of glaring. you only picked it up now. i feel like an afterthought. i definitely feel like we do not matter.

i genuinely entertained the notion of typing out a long lengthy reply, explaining the reasons and how it looks and feels from my perspective. i mentally phrased out analogies and paragraphs the entire afternoon. then i came home to my laptop and stared at the blinking cursor. 

random thoughts popping up:
- if we were really the kind of friends we are supposed to be, why are we having this conversation?

- if i have to sugarcoat things instead of speaking my mind (and having to worry if you can handle it or lose your temper), then i guess this is not really the kind of friendship i want. i much prefer honesty both ways without fears of repercussions.

- and my greatest fear is you will just lay the blame at my door, lose your temper and we wouldn't even be "someone i know" anymore.

if i may be frank, i know what kind of friendship i want. and a very strong signal if it is to be a strong lasting friendship is our capacity to be brave and frank, and to trust that there is no malice, and that we have each other's interest at heart. my friendships are not afterthoughts. you weren't an afterthought. i will not be an afterthought either.

you may not believe the depths of my disappointment at how all this turned out. believe it. i did have high hopes previously. still, this is life, isn't it.

so i choose silence in response to your question.
i hope you do not mind.