I love my weekends. I get to wake up without an alarm clock though still early for a weekend. I can spend my morning surfing wistfully online without having to stare at charts and fear for my margin account. And so it usually happens, last week’s copy of Economist on my reading stand will catch my eye with the sickening realization that once again I failed to finish the magazine before the current week’s copy arrived. Saturday morning is always spent speed-reading and catching up then. This week is no exception either.
The best part or most hated part of my weekend (depending on whether it has been a profitable week or not) is my weekly trade review. And it’s been hate-hate-hate for the past 5 weekends. Terrible it has been, and somehow, I failed to reverse this. The thing about failing consecutively for a reasonably long duration makes one lose focus. Lose focus in trading, lose focus in objectives, lose focus & discipline generally. You try, you fail. You try harder, you fall harder. Then the feeling of a loser becomes impossible to shake off, and you are quite at a loss. Suddenly, everything becomes unsure, even if they worked in the past.
It felt as if I misplaced my compass, and am not quite sure how to proceed henceforth.
I want to throw in hands up and just despair. Or maybe throw a temper or two. But yet, ironically, I do not want to either. I should be made of sterner stuff than just this right? What is a string of failure? Failure and defeat is different, right? I can fail, but it does not mean I am defeated. I just have to sit down calmly, and think through how else I can better this situation.
I need to find my compass back again. Maybe I am not quite lost yet, only took a wrong detour somewhere. I might waste some time, I might waste some energy. But all is not lost as long as I find my way back, isn’t it. And like all signs in my life, someone is telling me to wake up from my moping and get down working on trekking back to the right path.
A quote. A card. How abstract.
Quote on 16th June 2007:-
"To live consciously, to live the way you want, is to hold a compass that you check from time to time. And, checking it, say: “Right – I know where I am”.
And when you can say that, there will be no more mazes left in the world, only unexpected corners. "
~ 'Finding my bearings in the maze of life', Janice Tay for Straits Times.
I don’t know where I am right now, but rest assured I will find out where I am.
Card on 14th June 2007:-
Thunderbolt
The card shows a tower being burned, destroyed, blown apart. A man and a woman are leaping from it not because they want to, but because they have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing consciousness. You might be feeling pretty shaky right now, as if the earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to gold on to whatever you can.
But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important – if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences. After the fire, the earth is replenished after the storm the air is clear. Try to watch the destruction with detachment, almost as if it were happening to somebody else. Say yes to the process by meeting it halfway.
I think I have a lot to do this weekend. I have to tidy up whatever unhappiness emotionally and mentally, and find my compass back.
