things change when there are emotional responses to them. as much as i value my intellect, they do not propel my life forward. decisions are made, choices are acted upon, seemingly moments of madness. all because of an emotional response to something, someone.
what i am slowly learning to handle not to act off my emotions, fly off the handle. while i sit on whatever sadness, happiness, excitement or anger. i am learning not to react first while i acknowledge these emotions. feel them, but not react first.
what i am trying, is to combine some intellect muscle with my emotional reactions. i like to find the best angle to leverage on it and better my situation. and so far it has been an interesting process.
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mr see annoyed me greatly last week. it took a lot to not fight with him there and there on the very day. i sat on my hands and deliberated. especially so after anger and hurt passed. numerous possible situations are tossed in my head while i wondered what i should do about him and us. he tried to be nice that evening, i know that is his style of "forget it & let is pass". a part of me did appreciate that from him, but i just could not accept it then and let it go.
i had to sit and think things through.
as much as we are peaceful and stable compared to last year, the truth is we are neither falling back nor moving ahead. truth is, i am not sure what it would lead to or if being friends would be a happier situation for myself. the angel on the left said "hello, appreciate what you have" .. the devil on the left said "hello ms koh, what are you doing?"
after my emotional response, intellectually i know i need to speak up with regards to certain matters. things i probably did not tell him all these while for whatever reasons. so i did what i know he hates.
we talked.
any talking with mr see, one has to be prepared for outbursts and all his emotional, very reactive responses. truth is, i think i psyched myself up for all possible conclusions, including his favorite "let's end this". i guess i would if the talk goes no where.
i am not after "who is right, or who is wrong" though when having talks, finger pointing is always inevitable, especially to the person who did not initiate the talks. I am really just after a sustainable relationship.
the slightly happier episode after our "talk" is he handled it a little better than i though he could. i sense effort, but who really knows. will this deliberate action of "talk" following an emotional reaction propel us forward? who knows, but it's always worth to find an answer, isn't it. if not at least a conclusion, rather than sit and wait because it is convenient and easier.
