心想。杂记。

－其实这个月的约会是较少，但我不是喊闷。我是较相信rythmn of life. 过了一段的多，要有一段的少。有了一段静，当吵来的时候，我才有能力应付。


－静静的一个月，看看书，看看戏，看些话剧，扫扫墓，看看医生，再看看电视。不是不知觉的过去了，却是很淡然的看它过去。然后想：哦好。5月该怎样？要看什么书呢？

－很多人常常认为我在家没事做。虽然不是真的，但我却不介意别人这样认为。Sometimes I encourage that myth too. 省事省解释。有些事需要解释，但只是某些事对某些人。很多事，很多人，其实不需要说任何事。

－很多人，只是看热闹，不是吗？

－人可以假装关心。我不一定会察觉到是假的。我或许在心里还会很感动。但做戏请做全套，别让我察觉到你的假意。我的冷淡不代表我不会伤心，我会，但你从此也什么都不是了。

－找回自己，拿出勇气。这，其实也是一种奢侈，不是吗？我看身边的朋友，为了生活工作，忙忙碌碌，忙到一头乱。我爱莫能助呀。每个人都有自己的一条路要走。所以，我只能听。我不能帮你找到你自己，我只能陪着。

－听着，陪着，做朋友应当这样。是不？你陪我， 我陪你。这样。然后一眨眼就数十年了。

－ 你说上天是不是会眷顾用心的人？

still alive and kicking

i cannot even begin to describe how frightened i was today. the event of the day? collecting my medical report for the checkup done 2 weeks ago. i think the last time i felt so much stress mentally was back in 1997 when i was waiting to collect my "A" levels results.

it may sound silly, but yes, i was that frightened. perhaps glaringly aware of my own mortality.

i was already antsy by lunch time. and my appointment was at 415pm. that's a lot of angst in between, if you ask me. and i met with a traffic jam on the way while driving. funnily, i remember saying to myself: "well, if the traffic jam is the worst thing that can happen to you today, consider yourself lucky." i know. all that pessimism already.

but take a step back, isn't it true? for all the tempers lost and bad moods over the smallest things daily, if a traffic jam is the worst thing that can happen instead of (1) death (2) losing a child (3) receiving a terminal diagnosis (4) falling into heavy debt (5) jail (6) retrenchment (blah blah), aren't we all so lucky already?

and how is my health?

it is a qualified pass. meaning conditional, depending on how you look at it. generally i am happy with it, but there is a cyst that needs occasional attention, probably 12 months from today, unless i feel less than dandy. i just scrutinized the numbers from the report. if you ask me, i think my cholesterol is a tad too high for my own liking. and this is probably something my sisters will never let me forget since i had the lowest in the family before, and now the highest. yes, in the normal world, cholesterol is fine. in the koh family, it is too high.

i doubt this medical checkup and doctors' routine will ever get easier. but now when i think back of all my hospital visits back last year and all the patients i saw, i should be all so grateful if that is all i have to do, isn't it. just regular body checks.

something will get me. eventually. that i know. but till then, i must be thankful for now.

关于放弃

说真的，我很怕一些话

什么注定，命运之类的

但，与其说我怕这些话

倒不如坦诚

我是怕自己不知道什么时候

让这些话成为对自己的借口

话说“骗得了别人骗不了自己”

这话不是不对

在适当的时候，什么话都有对的时候

但常常，对我自己比恰当的形容

是它的相反

“自欺欺人”

总觉得骗自己容易过骗别人

太太容易了

一会功夫就说服了

知道自己有这种毛病

防世界防别人也不胜防自己

防自己脑里的那些歪理

The greatest enemy is within.

我感同身受

辨认自己的谎言好难

不过却很重要

越大，越觉得很多事，有些人

不多，不常来，也许就一次，就一个

我不是怕错失

我只是不想我的错失是因为自己的自欺欺人

而不努力，不坚持

因为怕麻烦，怕别人的眼光

然后当真正失去了

告诉自己是注定命运

在对自己的谎言上再设另一个谎

真窝囊

我得防自己的懦弱

防自己的卑微

防自己的借口谎言

努力后，坚持了

还是错失

也就算了

那才是适当的放弃，是不？

这样的错失

我甘愿

这样的错失

才是诚实的，勇敢的，优雅的

是不？

'coz i'm learning more than just look. i learn to see.

you know how at every stage of your life, you start of with the confidence that you know a lot already? Then at the end of every stage, you realised how pathetically little you know. Then you begin your new stage again with the same belief again (never learning), then you realised otherwise again. 

 

Here I use the term stage rather loosely actually. It could be any relationship, new attempts at something in life, new beginnings, new decades (like 20s, 30s, 40s), new job etc.

What is it at the end of every stage that brought about the realization? I don't speak for other people. But mostly for myself, it is the time and effort spent and having nothing to show for at the end of the day. Nothing tangible, no good feelings about it or towards myself. Yes, indeed, there are times when I do feel murderous, towards myself mostly.

There is a saying, that a trained woodsman can see the tiger amongst the forest, while the ignorant traveller merely thinks “oh, nothing but trees and flowers here”.

I'm the ignorant traveller at the beginning of every new stage. Then, only with experience and a lot of mistakes and time, perhaps at the end of it, I may gain the eye of the trained woodsman. If I may be so lucky. I like this sentence - “You see, but you don't know where to look”. How true. How horribly and ignorantly true.

A common tread i hear from my friends is that I get more particular as I get older. Clearly they are being kind. Substitute 'particular' for 'harsh', the statement holds true as well. I wouldn't want to defend that. It is true anyway. The question is not whether I am more particular. The correct question to ask if why am I more particular now? Ask the wrong question, not only would you get the wrong answer, it also suggest that you are approaching it wrongly as well. It is very telling, if anyone cares to look actually.

Little things matter. Irregardless of what “nitpicking” comments others may throw your way. Not only do little things matter, they are very telling too. It tells me much more about you than you can imagine. A thoughtless comment, a mindful gesture, a suitable gift, lateness ...

unfortunately folks nowadays can brush such things off easily.

I can too. But I brush off more than just these “things”.

I will brush the entire person off to another category.

From “friends”, to “people i know”.

There is a distinction. Take my word for it. 
and I continue learning where to look and what to see.