subordination is stupid, really.

and so today marks the first 3 months after I got back with Mr See. Originally I wanted to do some sort of a little "review" thingy with him. I thought it would be good to talk about 'us' proactively, instead of reactively (like after a fight). But I didn't. It's not so much a "i-am-avoiding-it" kind of didn't. I just did not.

Perhaps because I have not sorted out the random thoughts in my head. So I am not quite sure where to start either.

I scheduled a "holiday" time for myself in April this year. Since trekking got pushed back to July, I know at the back of my head I should get away for a while to regroup a little. Question is, do I plan one for myself, or with him? The moment I think of planning a trip with him, I think back to the horrid time last year when our Taiwan trip took 4 months to materialize, because he couldn't tie down a period. So even when the trip did finally happen, a part of me was highly annoyed by then. Needless to say, it was not a good trip overall. I wouldn't say it is a good trip personally. To me, I need to get away means I need to get away. Trading is high stress, and pacing myself is a very good exercise in the long run, and trust me, it will cost me much less. The longer he delayed, the more antsy I get, the worse I feel, the worse I trade. But to him, if I start pushing him for a confirmed date, I am not being understanding.

Right, to be fair, he is not aware that I needed a trip to pace myself. And stupidly, I placed him before me. Of course, even till today, it annoys me to no end that he cannot seem to think beyond his judgement that I am simply not understanding, and not because of some deeper reason for pushing for a date.

So now I have learnt, courtesy of my US trip last year. As far as trips to pace myself and clear my mind, I get priority. Period. If he can make it, fine. If he cannot, fine. It is still happening. Anyway, I see no point subordinating my own needs to his "perception" that I should be understanding. If you flip the angle, his constant delaying without realising my deeper need is not very understanding either, isn't it. Of course, to be fair, I chose to play the mute sucker and idiot in that case.

So I informed him last friday during dinner that I will be away for a while in April. Destination and actual date unknown right now. He grumbled that I did not "ask" him along. So a little compromise - He will let me know by a certain date if he can take leave in April. Otherwise I will plan for myself. Of course, belatedly I realised that we did not settle on such a "certain date" verbally. In case you are wondering, no, I will not play the sucker mute again.

In my head right now, it is a solo trip until his actions prove otherwise.

I suppose by 3rd week of March [a week I deem reasonable], if I dun hear about it from him, I'll be doing a wondrous solo trip in April.

because the past does matter, somehow ..

in my view of the world, there is this set of parameters which I believe strongly in - 'path dependence'.

from wiki:
Path dependence explains how the set of decisions one faces for any given circumstance is limited by the decisions one has made in the past, even though past circumstances may no longer be relevant.

The essence, history matters.

Where we stand right now, is because of the paths taken before. Some very very long ago. Some, very recent behaviors. Where we will be, depends on the choices and paths we will make. Of course I believe as well some are material choices, some are negligible. But act consistently enough, those negligible ones will still add up and shape our lives the same way the material ones does too. Basically, I believe our choices & actions shape our lives, our reputation, how others view us, even our physical bodies, irregardless what one might verbally say to the outside world.

It is really no use telling people you are wise if others view you a fool by the actions in your life. Of that, very un-respectfully, I think of my father. Evil, yes I know. But sad truth.

And why am I rambling about this now?

Sometimes I still feel like I am held hostage by my past experience with Mr See. No, perhaps I should say I am still held hostage. I know it is actually horrid of me to now be opening the option of "out" instead of maintaining "making things work". Perhaps to the world, it is actually a step backwards and why do I even both trying again then? Is it enough to say we're trying again because despite all that had happened perhaps the affection is still there. But at the same time, the past experience had shaped my approach and mentality towards the relationship by allowing myself the permission to say "out" if I ever need to.

Is it reasonable that I now say, the past shaped the current approach? And that this approach is reasonable? Because of who he is, and our past together? Of course, it cuts both ways.

Truth is, even if we "try" again, we don't start from a clean slate. A clean slate is a luxury you can only offer to a stranger. No matter what we say or think that we can do it start anew. But can we really?

Or maybe I'm the one who cannot. Still limited by past circumstances, regardless if they are still relevant or not.

giving permission

就算没大吵，还是有点想放手。是一时的情绪，还是更深的动力？说真的，不知道。不过很明显的不同就是以前我绝对不会考虑放弃，而是相信making things work. 现在反而不再是宗旨了。放弃是选择之一了。不代表不再努力了。还是会。不过就是有那么的一点不一样了。

立场不一样了。
就算再尝试再努力，因为心里知道放弃永远是他的选择之一，它也成为了我永远的选择之一了。Everyone has the right and option to say out. Why should I be so silly to deny myself that option even if it clashes with my ideal of making things work? Ideals are one thing. A relationship is not about one singular person's ideal in the real world. So now I accept this. Even tho I never did accepted this for JL and the first 12 months with Mr See. But now I do.

And for better or worse, I gave myself the permission to have the choice to say 'I want out', if it is needed.

杂记

我发现
能够把自己抽离出任何状况，心情
很重要

从高处望下来
原来很多事其实都不重要
很多心情，其实就只是心情
可以是动力
也可以是猪囊
一念之差
观点

刹那是永恒