another pivotal moment of madness ...

对我而言，现在anniversary不是在9月13号了。
再试一次。
幸运的话，它将在11月22号。

我们没庆祝1周年。
你说我们会有幸庆祝2周年吗？
我真的不知道。

不过既然要试，好。
我想不管怎样。
就多一次。

温度 ... 想开的人最快乐

回来了，很多人都想知道，那我和奕名怎样了吗。多讲我也觉得累。

打个比方：

现在不是我喜不喜欢这碗汤的问题了。
而是，现在这汤已经凉了。
凉了的汤，我不会喝。
也不能喝，因为伤身。

那汤现在就摆在一边。还会不会喝，真得看温度。
还会不会有温度，看他自己了。
有人笑说“至少你还没把那汤倒掉”。

同时，旅游回来和这枚多天的焖煮 ..
我的领悟，再说一次：

好的感情生活是锦上添花。
不过它不是绝对，不是所有。
所以真的，不勉强不委屈。
精力和力气也得放在其他地方。
多看多走多学。
这样的我，才最开心。
最开心的我，最好。
最有自信，最值得疼爱。

as i was telling a friend ..

"i have decided.. a good relationship is 锦上添花 to my life .. but it is not imperative. so 不勉强 .. so.. if it works fine... but i cannot spend my full focus and energy entirely on making it work and neglect other areas"

so yes, this statement floated out.
the clarity is "I cannot spend ALL my focus and energy on making it work".

因为它只是我生活的一部分。 而非所有。

就算我愿意把它当为我的所有又怎样。试过了，没用。反而他觉得我烦，我觉得自己无阻更加不开心。

我的能量，一定有一个我可以释放出来的地方。

trying not to get stuck

with his "i'm still unsure of us" text to me when I landed in DC on 14th Oct still fresh in my mind, the position i choose to adopt is basically space between us. lotsa space unless necessary for whatever reasons.

it's been 2 months after the time-out, 1 month after that statement which is still clear as ever in my head, and i reckon his 'unsure & uncertain' no less either, what is a girl to do?

moving on? i try to not get myself stuck. i am not sure what constitutes moving on, but i try not to get stuck. in a way, i have been stuck for the past 6 months without attempting to end things or improve things. i refuse to get stuck now. if our relationship or status is stuck, i refuse to let my emotions and mind be stuck at this stage.

i refuse to.

i still think of him daily. i wouldn't deny that. like before, i think of him. is that missing him? perhaps there is no value in figuring out if thinking is missing. it is easier to just think, be done with it and do my own things. if the urge to think of him again arises, so be it. then i just think of him. i refuse to repress. think, and be done. it seems better, feel healthier mentally & emotionally rather than repressing.

sometimes i wonder, "does he think of me?"
i dunno the answer truly, but generally, my answer to myself is "probably not". not because of whatever faith or trust issue. but simply, i do not feel much from him that tells me that he thinks of me. why should i be so presumptuous to assume that he will think of me or miss me. how can i?

why assume? some things do need to be stated, instead of 一切尽在不言中. like "i like you", "i love you", "miss you", "wish you were here", "can't wait to see you."

当然不是什么都得每天讲，不过也不能完全不讲。'一切尽在不言中'有时候就变成了'无言以对'.

自问，我从没对一个人那么有耐心。他还是第一个。他要分手，我说ok. 他要time-out, 我也ok. 我怀疑他还停留在‘该不该继续’的阶段。我却在‘这是你要分手的理由，好，那我该怎样’. 我不知道他领悟到我为什么这次肯分手吗。他知道他为什么要和我分手，那他知道我为什么要和他分手吗？还是他还在想他自己该不该。

真是 ... sigh.
better to spend my effort on moving along .. 别卡住，别卡住。千万千万别让自己卡住。灰色不要紧，别进退两难。

because it is not easy

it is a nice fantasy to indulge in other people's success or masterpiece with "oh, he is so lucky," or "what a talent!" That other people's success and masterpieces are due to factors that are out of our reach. And that utterly justifies why they have success and, well, why we do not.

if anything, one of the things i came back with from THAT MANY museum visits in NYC and DC is this: there are no one great masterpiece done at one sitting.

period.

behind every piece branded "masterpiece" or "great" by the masters of art, be it painting or sculptures, there are many many many trial pieces behind them. they can be sketches, practice pieces, trial pieces. whatever names you called them by, and the truth is, for every art piece the artists took on, there are many working proofs behind them, before the art is finalised and presented. on such proofs, different materials, placements or concepts are experimented. from one perception, these can be viewed as "trying through as many approaches as possible".

does oil on canvas works better, or does pencil sketches show the story i want to tell more? should i add wood dust to the oil, use canvas or paper? copper or stone?

many many trials and errors before 1 masterpiece is done. much much time and effort spent before it is done.

and yet, we still like to attach luck and talent to their masterpiece, not knowing the effort and time spent hidden behind the shadows.

because we attributed their success to the wrong elements.

blocking us from the masterpiece that could have been of our lives.

Clarity with Uncertainty

at this stage of where emotions and logic lies, i'm appreciating the clarity that uncertainty brings forth. if you allow it enough time. to stew. to live with it. until the period of sensitivity meets the moment of clarity, then the uncertainty does not matter anymore. not that much, anyway.

so yes, if he is still interested, i have things to say. of which i think i owe it to myself to be honest. 不委屈自己，不勉强别人. this i will do.

and if he decides he is no longer interested, then there will be nothing to say. and if so, nothing matters, nor will it matter.

this, is the clarity i now have.

局面已经不一样了

"This is a game-changer. 他不要以为还是以前那样。"

这话是我妹刚才说的。聊的话题不是感情，不过对于面对生活的道理是一样的。

若要不同，一定得断了那一次又一次不满意的轮回。不断，会有什么长久的不同？所以有时不能退，就算看起来狠固执甚至无情。 人情味是别人对你的好，或是你对别人的好。但它不一定是对自己好。不是说对别人好一定是对自己不好，它们不是相对的。但应该是出发点吗？显然不该是。

如有些事应该是 game changer，别糟蹋了那偶然。糟蹋了，只是在浪费自己的时间，因为结果不会有改变，时间过了，还是一样的问题一样的矛盾一样的不开心。就算难，就算不想，就算累。别糟蹋了那机会，一个能从新观看，改写局面过程和结果的机会。

一个让自己人生不同的机会。

把握。