i'm all for looking back and self reflection. i'm also consciously guarded against romanticizing past happenings, and the people involved. i do not always succeed, but i catch myself much faster nowadays before any wrong footed notion arises.
in my thirties, i stubbornly refuse to romanticize. anything. anyone. while i may quietly indulge in romantic comedies as entertainment, there is zero expectations of that happening in my very real and practical world. wildly madly deeply sort-of-swept-off-my-feet? been there, done that. striving for a supportive sustainable comforting sort? operative word being 'striving'. maybe i will still strive in the future, but maybe not, especially if it reeks of severe compromise.
in my quiet moments of alone-ness, i find myself saying (almost wishing or praying for): Can I please please please just see things for the way it is, and not the way I wish? For the person he/she is, not as I hoped? Accept the way the cookie crumbles, instead of it not crumbling, or worse not a cookie? That I'm actually good enough and it is actually quite cool to be me, instead of whatever funny unhealthy notions of any personifications I have running in my head.
sometimes i manage.
sometimes i lapse.
which is then i start hearing me talk to myself again.
saying the same bits again.
over and over again.
my whole life so far.
like a broken record.
i've realised flaws and weaknesses are like weeds in your garden. you can never be rid of your flaws. you can only be vigilant against them, the same way a gardener surveys his landscape. only with a certain amount of self-awareness can you arrest those weeds when they are still quite unnoticeable, before they sway above those finely cut lawn-grass, before they ruin the entire garden. my entire life.
self-help books, sites, whatever. they always rally "Change!" i'm not so sure if change per say in the form of removal of that entire weakness from a person's character works. or if it's even possible. what i do know is i can't get rid of mine. ever. it always lurks back quietly just as i am getting complacent with a small victory. as certain as i'll be awake at 2am if i drink tea after 9pm.
the best i can imagine for myself is to watch for it, catch myself before i self destruct. again.
romanticizing the past, even the bad ones; making excuses and reasons in my head for a person's behavior; telling myself it's okay when i'm not okay about it in an antsy manner. i try to be mindful about all these, and try to stop myself before momentum sets in. before it clouds my head, and color my lens. again.
watching, with every bit of me.
