什么都别太过份

it is probably politically incorrect, but privately, i do think a lot of people are bullies. by default they strike an aggressive posture and bully their way their liking. and hope that no one calls their bluff on their bullying. betting on the fact that people generally shield away from ugliness and confrontations.

they raise their voices first. their body language reeks of aggressiveness. and they try their darnest to embarrass you so you will just give them what they want to get them to go away.

when you call them on their bluff. or confront them. then you most probably get an even louder voice in an even uglier tone. and by god, now i could possibly be very very embarrassed.

or maybe i am not.

and i will still not give you what you want. 

sometimes i don't react because you are just nothing. not worth my energy and time to give you a reaction. and yet, sometimes i don't react because i am only waiting for the appropriate time to pull out a gun in response to your knife.

problem for you is, you never know if you belong to the former or latter. for your own sake, i do hope it is the former and that you are simply nothing and nobody.

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Sometimes, I think I forget to breathe. Then I find myself breathing very forcefully all of a sudden. It happens. Biologically it is probably impossible that i actually did not breathe. I probably did. But not in the manner that is good for me; that works for me; that calms me.

Sometimes, I'm chewing but not really eating. I put things into my mouth and chew mechanically. Then I am all done in 10 minutes and am back at whatever i was doing. Preoccupied, chewing and swallowing. But not eating.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I forgot to be good to myself. A hurricane of activities. News! Trading! Economics! Errands! And I lie in bed, staring at the only illuminated blink on the air-conditioner, thinking: where did my days go? Why am i not sleeping well?

有一种压抑是恐怖的。是一种你自己都不知道存在的压抑。然后当某一天冒了出来，你才恍然。原来自己紧绷了。刚过的礼拜六是忙碌的。偶尔上天跟我这闲人开的玩笑，我怎么上午，下午，晚上都会有事？不过就是这样。看了一套我很喜欢很喜欢的《男男自语》后，在急忙赶回家换衣服准备喝喜酒的路上，不知道为什么，也没为了什么特别的事，开车时就哭了。没哭太久，没哭很惨，不过就是大哭了。

是惊吓，是奇怪。我在干嘛？我在干嘛？我在干嘛？

过后是一种轻松。我不知道我为什么哭了，但或许，我是需要哭的。或许这需要很久了，只是我不知道，也不同意。然而，生命几时会等你同意了什么才给你什么？给的，有时是需要的，有时是成长，有时是不幸，偶尔是过后才知道的好。

Forgetting to breathe. chewing but not eating. not sleeping all that well. Signs. All signs that I knew. Ignoring them all until the one which could not be ignored.

The lesson? Whatever it is, it is not working.

Face it. Fix it.

Unless personal, otherwise irrelevant

然后她问：disappointed with me?
我看着坐在对面的小妹妹，想着我该说什么，更想着失望到底是什么。

失望。
谁没失望过。看着她，想着她的问题，想着自己的失望。

深呼吸，说：

"My dear, any disappointment on my part is irrelevant here. Basically, what I feel is irrelevant.  First, this is not my life, not my choice. I do not bear your consequence. Secondly, my disappointment means shit if you are not disappointed with yourself. I am not going to explain what you should feel, how you should feel, why you should feel. If you are, you are. If you are not, you are not.

Just as I cannot explain what hunger feels like, how fear grips your soul, or how dark is dark; my disappointment will not make sense to you until your own gut sinks.

Am I disappointed? I know you can be better. But when you are not, and are okay with it, then I am okay with it as well. Disappointment, unless it's personal, is irrelevant."

然后，我们都静了。

hoping for the best

－ 今天第一次把包扎着伤口的胶带撕掉。看着镜子，我只有一个想法：惨了，应该会留疤。一条细疤就算了，还是一个面积相当的疤。虽然是有朋友笑说“还是会美的啦”，说自己没有点小难过是假的。就看造化了。

－晕倒过后的那个礼拜六晚上，还是硬着头皮上街。很早就约好了的晚餐话剧，我不想爽约。当然也是看了医生自己觉得还好，就跟大伙说照安排的。感动的是一个特来载我去，一个特地送我回，虽然他们那时一个在东一个住北。通常只有我载人，很少是人载我。一句“应该的”，我想我是感动得要死。

－虽说朋友坐我10年车，你说我是没这种假设也好，说我不敢有要求也罢。很多事，你是到你需要时，你才知道你拥有与否。而越大，我越不敢假设我是一定有那种依靠。也不是失望多过得到。就只是一种明白。我当然希望我是可以依靠的。

－ 很多东西，是别人给的。

－ 有钱，叫得动计程车，叫不动一趟有情车呀。

－ 而分别，很大。