随记

我说过吗？总觉得从文字可以更认识一个人。可惜的，这种机会平时也不多，就只是偶尔。写生活，写心情，甚至想想自己现在到底感觉如何。你现在感觉怎样，在做什么？我是关上了灯，戴上了耳机，在黑暗中，坐在我的椅子上转动着，看着blinking cursor，觉得backlit keyboard真好，想着明天我该7点半起来，还是6点半？

心情不错，还是听着听了一个礼拜的《everything in the world》专辑。所谓当下，就是享受现在。那，我现在很享受我在黑暗中的当下。

虽说奶奶跌倒以后，确实不如以前了。有时认得我，有时又好像不认得。我只愿记得她认得我的时候。

我想问，有没有人能告诉我明明知道都会结束，该用什么心态来享受现在拥有的一切，而不怨结束后带来的苦涩，知足于现状？有时我看着我的小狗，被问到她多大了，我就想到这问题。

伤心能准备的吗？

而一切，其实都会结束。

if i may be frank ...

one thing that matters a lot to me between two people is whether one can be frank without malice, and that the frankness does not bring forth ill-feelings. that, to me, is what a relationship is built on. be it romantic, friendly or family.

i ignored such warning bells before. i ignored my inability to be frank with Mr See. i did get a nice blow-up in my face along with a huge wastage of my own time. so i learn. and i keep learning.

"why have you girls been quiet?"  

i stared at the message, not quite sure how i should respond.

we have been quiet for a really long time already. you only picked it up now. the gaps have been nothing short of glaring. you only picked it up now. i feel like an afterthought. i definitely feel like we do not matter.

i genuinely entertained the notion of typing out a long lengthy reply, explaining the reasons and how it looks and feels from my perspective. i mentally phrased out analogies and paragraphs the entire afternoon. then i came home to my laptop and stared at the blinking cursor. 

random thoughts popping up:
- if we were really the kind of friends we are supposed to be, why are we having this conversation?

- if i have to sugarcoat things instead of speaking my mind (and having to worry if you can handle it or lose your temper), then i guess this is not really the kind of friendship i want. i much prefer honesty both ways without fears of repercussions.

- and my greatest fear is you will just lay the blame at my door, lose your temper and we wouldn't even be "someone i know" anymore.

if i may be frank, i know what kind of friendship i want. and a very strong signal if it is to be a strong lasting friendship is our capacity to be brave and frank, and to trust that there is no malice, and that we have each other's interest at heart. my friendships are not afterthoughts. you weren't an afterthought. i will not be an afterthought either.

you may not believe the depths of my disappointment at how all this turned out. believe it. i did have high hopes previously. still, this is life, isn't it.

so i choose silence in response to your question.
i hope you do not mind.

王

看过一句话。

人生该说的要说，该哑的要哑，是一种聪明；人生，该干的要干，该退的要退，是一种睿智；人生，该显的要显，该藏的要藏，是一种境界。

这句话是想跟某人提起，写电邮时又忘了。也罢。她自己心里也该有种类似的明白。

很多时候，我看着身边的人，搞不清strategic vs tactical 的分别。这样的分别重要吗？在我眼里，是非常重要的。很多时候，他们也没去分是不是error in judgement, 还是error in principle. 对他们，错就是错。有什么好分的。

是这样吗？

如果在该与不该之间能道出聪明睿智和境界，那分与不分之间的区别就是王者与败者之差了。

我还记得，以前读风水八字时，什么为王者？天地人，合为一，列为王。当然，现代社会里，王者已不再指帝王。虽没帝王，但还是有王者。从我的角落看出，王者不一定是最有钱的那位，不一定是最有权的，不一定是最有智慧的。他不一定是最什么什么的，但他一定什么都会有一点一些。其实，或许他什么都有。在他经营的范围内，他安逸幸福快乐。

在分辨分别以后，认出该与不该。

退

i once heard a saying ... which popped into my head after i stewed in my own juice for quite a while today. i most certainly advocate sleep when one's mood sink a little. best things in life are free. sleep happens to be one of such highly rated ones.

the saying goes something along the line like this:
狮子不会因为别人说他像小狗而成为狗。小狗不会应为被人赞为勇而变成狮子。

something like that.

其实很难不被别人的话伤到。有时还是会的，尤其如果是家人或你视为友的人。如果我看起来没什么，不是没伤到，是我装得好。然而，伤归伤，情绪归情绪。自己要知道，别人的话就是话，别人的看法就是看法。自己是什么自己知道。问心无愧 。当然，我也只是常人，我也没办法做到满足身边的每一个人。量力而为。

我听到你的话了，我会反省。
别把我的沉默视为我在生气。
我只是需要一点空间思考，沉淀。

人都是有刺的。在共处和尊重的当儿，我尽量不刺到你，你也尽量别刺到我。如果因为太近，是我自己让你刺到，我想我该反省，自己倒退一点。如果我退了，你还一再往上刺上来，那真的，我只好一直退一直退。

有时，距离和偶尔的陌生，是有原因的。
或许我俩都太多刺了。