Tomorrow is yet another day at work. And this week promises to be a very challenging week for me. So much to accomplish before the week is over. Can I do it? It feels almost like mission impossible at this point in time.

But impossibility is what fearful people tell themselves to convince themselves that it cannot be dome.It is not a fact. Can I prove myself in the face of such tight deadlines and demands from myself?

I guess I need to find within myself that last burst of energy; to finish what I started out and to end it all properly before March 12th.

Come on! You can do that. Find that last burst of motivation and energy. Finish up your work properly. For the firm, and for yourself! It is already the last lap, you can already see the end. Do not disappoint the people around you, and do not end with a bad reputation before you go.

Believe that I should.
Believe that I can.

Believe in my own abilities.

又有朋友问起我的感情生活了。才前一阵子另一位好友也提起了这话题。

好朋友问话就是很直接：-
她- “最近怎样了？”
我-“什么怎样了？工作啦，还能怎样？”
她-“我不是问工作，是问男人。你单身也1年多了吧，以前那一段情也该放下了吧？你刚才吃饭时不是一直说自己老了吗？还问我几时结婚，那你呢？不怕30嫁不出啊？”
我-“你问话也挺直的吗。不婉转，也懒得绕圈子啊？”
她- “大家这么熟了，无聊啊你？怎样？记不记得5，6年前我问你是不是同性恋？过后你和那个谁4年，我也按了心。可你现在，我又要问了。干吗还不谈恋爱？你是怕什么，还是没对上眼？你别告诉我你现在是同志啊？”

还好那时我在开车，不然一定先瞪她一眼，在扮鬼脸。

我就随便嘀咕了几句，应付她的问题。说什么还不是很老，不急。什么也不可能从街上随便挑个男人谈恋爱，慢些。也不知道是想让她好过些，还是让自己好过些。

我为何还不谈恋爱呢？

我是不是同志？还没碰到对一个女生有另类的感觉。觉得女生与女生之间，最可贵的是了解和互相扶持，那种属于知音的那种。当你有幸碰到这种朋友时，你会很疼她对她好到不得了。这种疼爱就是同性恋吗？也不一定。只要心里开心平静，其实也没必要想这么多，无聊！

我觉得现在的我很好。而我和以前对爱的心态还是一样的。一直以来，我对男生都是以朋友的心态来面对。不会看一个，就想他们会不会做我的男朋友。对他们，是很理智的交往。我不是因上一个感情的失败而怕什么，其实我是很期待另一段感情。恋爱的感觉很好，可假如连隐约牵动你的心的人都没有，你叫我和谁谈恋爱？

我的脑海里也没有一个定型的《白马王子》。一直相信这方面是得听或顺从自己心中的感觉，没感觉谈什么将来？感觉对，我也不是那种会想太多的人。

爱了，再说。

相信
这句话包含了无尽的信心和信任
请你相信我

我们总会找到自己的天堂

迷失
当我迷失了自己的方向时
请你提醒我，我最初的自己

别让我的人生瞎忙

勇敢
在自己最怕的时候告诉自己的一句话
请你也常常提醒你自己

害怕只会把生命的活力掏空

这种想法会不会太简单
带有无知的心灵
不管明天降临的一切

想要让自己的心情好一点
想带着微笑看这世界
想给自己自会了解自己多一些

就让我试试看吧
不要怀疑
没希望的未来才是充满怀疑的

就算有些气馁
有些失望
没关系
生活需要一些无所谓

我怕，可我并不懦弱
面对未知的一切，脚步只能更加坚定
这会是我成长的开始

千万别错过自己的每一天
今天和明天带来的一切都不一样
只是看你懂不懂地放慢脚步
为自己的心灵来感应这幸福

只要你愿意
每一天都可以是新的起点

为了什么而辛苦
我们知道吗
为了什么而坚持
你了解吗

心里的渴望
你可否听到了

男人要有性格
女人要有味道
生活要有梦想

梦想，妄想，或理想
至少是属于自己的

"每一天的坚持，串起来就是一生。"

"长相思守是每一对恋人的理想，而实现这个理想，需要一辈子的时间、耐心、智慧、包容和奉献。"

偶尔，我们会看到一些让你很震撼的字句。今天竟看到了这两句。没辙，一定得纪录下来先，以后慢慢咀嚼。但不是今晚，有点累了。

Close your eyes and listen to your mind.
Just be yourself.

Have faith. I will seek and find.
I will feel and confront my own fears.
Listen to the wind whispering to the leaves.
Watch the lapping waves bring new stories with each break.
Look inside my heart, I will find myself.

My world. This is what it really is about.

My reality. It should not be the reality that people perceive. It should be
seen through my lens, mine and mine alone.

My life. The new beginning that I seek with the end of a relationship. And
I am ready for it.

My dreams. Those images that seem so far fetched and impossible. But
impossibility is not a fact. It is only an opinion.

My experiences. It brings flavor and meaning to my life. An existence
without new experiences and thoughts is called "desperation living",
surviving from day to day. An existence with new experiences and
understanding is called "inspiration living".

I will find my theme song in life.

Finally did the dirty deed today.

Friday the 13th, Feb 2004. I submitted my resignation to the firm.

I was very nervous about the whole process today. I kept playing the scenes in my head on how I am going about submitting my resignation to the various people.

After I finally got down to “action”, the entire process took less than 5 minutes. I did not allow myself to stay and chat for more than 5 minutes with anyone. I do not want to discuss this issue with my superiors until I am ready. After that, I scooted off to a client’s place for some peace and quiet.

I felt so tired.

Perhaps carrying the burden of “when to tender, pondering over the wisdom of it” is really heavy.

Today I got it out of my system.

No more looking back. No more wondering. Finally I acted on my promise to myself. This will not be the regret of my life in the future.

不要怕，勇敢！

While driving home today, I wept. It was tears of fright and loss, really.

I realized today that tomorrow is my “designated” day to tender my resignation to the firm. That realization filled me with a lot of confusion. To be really honest, I’m petrified. Suddenly I have no idea what I was thinking. Why do I want to resign? Do I really want to do this? What happens after that? Do I really have the guts to? Am I sure?

The sense of confusion and loss was so overwhelming. I couldn’t help it but I felt very small for that period of time. For a brief moment, a thought flashed through my head: “Why dun I just not tender tomorrow then?” For a while, all that feeling of loss left me. But a quick question came up: “Then what?” Continue working and moan about my life?

I guess that could be an option?

A thousand and one thoughts went through my head. The main part was giving the louse in me a lot of excuse not to hand in my letter tomorrow. It ranged to “do it when you are ready” to “why not just get your CPA”. I have never felt like such a coward before.

How certain am I of this, really?

可我也知道这种百感交集的心情是正常的。我一直开着车，一直跟自己说“不要怕，要勇敢。不要怕，要勇敢”。就这样，一直到我的心比较平静。答应别人的事你都会尽力去完成，更何况是答应自己的。不要一时的怀疑而退缩。

So I picked up my trusty book on inspirations when I got home and continue where I left the other time. The message today was simply as follows:-

I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in a magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.
Jack London

He is right. One may compromise on a hundred and one things in life, but we should never compromise our life, and the adventures it may bring forth.

不要怕
不要怕
不要怕

I enjoy watching plays, musicals, dance & movies (collectively known as “the play” here). A lot. I like the feeling of having a drama unfold in front of me. And normally for as long as the play continues, I would be quite absorbed in it. I wouldn’t fidget, or look at the person beside me, or wonder about the time (Okay, unless it is really a boring play).

Plays present me with a world very different from the reality I know. But today, I shan’t wonder exactly why I like plays.

Last sat I watched another play. Very interesting play. It’s called Asian Boys II, about gays in Singapore. I was never very shocked about gay relationships, so it was not very scandalous to me whatsoever. But one statement made by one of cast hit me in the face. The statement left a very very deep impression.

“You remember the dates. Leave it to me to remember the moments”.

I was stunned. Why was I stunned? I’m not too sure. Maybe by the inference we can make from that statement.

Have I, in the course of my life, over-glorified the importance of dates, and neglected to celebrate the moments in my life?

I probably had.

My entire course of existence was marked by dates. For example:-

1. Birthday – 4 Oct
2. Date I got attached – 11 Nov
3. Date my heart broke – 11 Nov
4. Date I started work – 13 Aug
5. Date I got my driving license – 24 March
6. Date I tendered (which is actually something I would do soon) – 13 Feb
7. Date I …… – 12 Jan
8. Date I got my new car – 10 April

So many dates. Do they really mean anything? Why do I remember the dates?

I guess remembering dates for them being milestones is fine. They represent a certain stage of our lives. Apart from that, is there any point in remembering dates? Perhaps to remind ourselves that we once had moments that took our breath away; moments that left their imprint in our minds; moments that caused so much emotional upheaval that we truly felt alive or dead.

In our busy everyday life, we hardly have enough time to rest and think, let alone have the energy to remember moments. So we settle for the second-best choice. We choose to remember the dates instead. At least they serve as reminders that our lives are not as vanilla plain as we think they are.

But we should not over-emphasis on dates. Celebrate and enjoy the moments in our lives too! Moments big or trivial, they all still make up our experience in life.

A moment today brought a smile to my face.

I was standing at the traffic junction, waiting to cross the road and at the same time bemoaning that it is another start of the workday. A gentle breeze came by. While I swept a lock of hair from my eyes, I looked up and saw the leaves fluttering in the wind. Not quite dropping off the branches but dancing rhythmically with the breeze. I smiled and took a deep breath. It smelt more of nature than the pollution of the city.

For that few moments, I forgot where I was and enjoyed the breeze for where it was.

Today is not a date of any importance. But the moment today, I remember, and will remember.

Leave it to me to remember the moments.

我还记得小时候买的第一个卡带是张清芳的《眼睛》。那时才13岁，还是求妈妈买给我的。接着就比较流行CDs，而我买的第一张CD还是张清芳的。这回是《左右》。之后，她所出的专辑我都会买。她在《眼睛》之前的，我也买了。

假如你问当时13岁的我到底喜欢她什么，我回答不了。想起也怪，什么刘德华郭富城都不喜欢，就喜欢这个在这儿不是很红的《东方不败》。可你现在问我喜欢她什么，为什么还继续听她的歌买她的专辑，我也不知道。

12年了。听她的歌也12年了。

这12年我也买了，听了许多其他人的专辑。例如郑秀文，苏慧伦，许茹云etc etc. 很多。假如你来我的房间，你会发现my taste in music is quite diverse. Classical, Pop, R&B whatever. 其实我听什么歌，是看我当时的心情。有时喜欢静一点，有时却想rock一点，有时又会想听一些感情丰富的歌。

奇怪的是朋友来我的房间时，虽然她的CDs摆在外面，我永远不会放张清芳的专辑给他们听。反而随便放一张那时流行的专辑就算了。或许一方面我知道朋友们对她没什么认识，就别让他们白受罪。不过更真实的原因是我比较喜欢在一个人的时候才听她的歌。那时的感觉比较真比较享受，没必要把她的歌声糟蹋在那些不会欣赏的人身上。

也许我这么说好像我好过分，用上《糟蹋》这种字眼。其实对我而言，有一些歌的词和曲是得用心去听的，不适合一大群人一起听。也有些歌陪着你成长，很私人只适合一个人的时候听。其他人不会明白你听这些歌是的感受。

而在次听到那把声音时（不管是新歌还是旧歌），都会有那种回到最初年少时的感触。有时都忘了年少时的心情了。

12年后能凭一把声音找回这种感觉很可贵。希望其他人在成长的时候也有自己的张清芳。

“Not all that is spoken is right, and not all that is written is true.”

A very stark statement isn’t it. It carries a hint of irony that many people are not aware of. And we go about our everyday business, not challenging the daily prints in our lives or statements made by people perceived to be in positions of authority.

Sad, but a fact of life.

We take most printed words to be the holy truth. We assume instructions or stories told to us by people in position of power or seniority to be right.

Word by word, they present the world through the author’s lens. If it’s written, it must be true! It is out there in black and white, with no shades of grey.

Vowel by vowel, speech is translated into the truth of life. If it is spoken with confidence, it must mean something! After all it is uttered by the very people we respect for some reason.

Perhaps such beliefs and reasoning makes life easier to handle. It saves us the trouble of thinking and pondering. The truth is floating out there. Why waste all that energy and effort to challenge them?

Maybe.

Maybe lies and sugar-coated truths are undemanding. They allow us to live in the world we want to stay in and not complicate our lives with too much thinking. Thinking and pondering is hard, it is not exactly the most popular activity around.

Everything we do in life, we do them for a reason. Every word printed, every word spoken is for a reason too. There is a hidden motivation for them. Is it definitely true and right?

Perhaps.

Who knows?

But the mere fact of a big question mark to that question should not deter us from questioning the printed and spoken words. The evolution of life brought us the gift of thoughts and opinion. Why allow other people to tell you what the world is like? Form your own opinion!

Right or wrong, truth or lie?

At least the merit lies in it being your own thoughts, and not others. It beats just taking them at face value and living with it.

Today I was reading a parable.

In it, a paragraph struck me.

“Most people are like water in a kettle. They try to reach boiling point but, when this happened, they don’t think about removing the kettle from the fire. That is why the water boils over and extinguishes that which exactly brought it to the boil”. [The Master, Chao-Hsiu Chen]

How true is this?

Often there is some desire and ambition inside us, pushing us to give our very best in our daily activities. The fire within us, which pushes us to limits which we only dream of. Some people may never come to a boil, for a variety of reasons. This is not the issue. A life with fire and purpose is always a meaningful life, regardless of whether it boils eventually.

The danger is when we boil over and yet is not aware. We may have reached the pinnacles in our pursuit for success, but the success of it did not register. We continue on the process of boiling. The same way water evaporates when it reaches a certain temperature; our passion for life dulls as we persist in our mad-capped pursuit.

In the same manner when boiling water spills over the brim and extinguishes the fire beneath; our meaning in life snaps when we lose the passion. We lose the personal definition of what life is, and what living entails.

Asians do not boil their water for the fun of it. We boil water for a reason.

People do not go about their daily business for nothing. We have our purposes and dreams to fulfill in everything that we do.

Just as watching the fire under the kettle reduces the potential of leaking gases in modern homes; remembering the focus and purpose of our pursuits ensures that we are always near the boiling peak of our lives but never over-boiling.

今天开着车回家时，好累。脑是一片空白，就是呆呆地看着路。突然感觉自己深呼吸了一下，似乎是给自己允许回想什么。

又想起了他。

~ 你最近好吗？有好些日子没收到你的email 了。也不太明白为何好好的，你突然没有了回应。不过我尊重你的选择，也许某些原因所以你不想回应。假如你现在有了新的对象，也许我们不联络对她比较公平。

现在我学会了《退一步》，不象以前那样紧紧逼人。所以一切，顺其自然吧。

希望你一切安好，顺利地完成你当飞机师的心愿。也希望你在玩和开心得时候，心里还是有一直很疼你的父母。

我还会回想，不过别担心。我回想的是《当时的我们》。有时想起了会微笑，感慨自己有过这种快乐。我尽量不去想那些不美好的，因为想起了我会恨你。别误会，我对现在的我们没期望也没渴望。我们太不同了。

只想你好，我好，开心地过日子。某天在街上碰上了，希望是带着一丝的喜悦和回忆。~

对他的感觉是什么？我不知道，我想也不必过于分析。是爱，是恨，是回忆，还是惦记？或许每些都一点吧。

不过至少那感觉以收拾好了。

一天会比一天更美！

也不知自己这几天怎么了。好累，虽然我已经尽力让自己睡多一点，可每天起来还是好累好累。

今天的工作态度更是差。明明都有可能做不完了，可就是定不下心来做。 还有一种不在乎的心态，我到底是怎么了？ 是自己不够睡眠才会这样，还是自己越来越不负责任了？ 这不好吧！

好想抛开身上所有的工作，休息一下，让自己平静下来先。 可这简直是异想天开，根本不可能发生的。 常言道《拿人钱财，替人消灾》，谁会管你有多累，或你什么。反正得做的，就得做。

我想这个月我会过的挺辛苦的。没办法，为了对得起自己，一定要把这个月熬过去。努力！咬紧牙哽，要对自己负责任。

今天和几个17岁时认识的朋友聚了聚，过年吗。聊着天，说说自己最近的境况，然后又到其中一位的家坐坐，看看我们以前拍的照。突然好想回到以前学生的生活。

从聊天的话题觉得大家都大了。现在聊的是事业，钱，感情，婚姻，退休。那些好《责任》的话题。或许你会觉得我有点长不大的感觉。我不是不是想长大或对自己的生活负责，我只是不明白为什么《长大》就得失去比较简单的心灵。从前开心很容易，下了课和他们去吃雪糕聊天就已是很幸福的一件事了。生日有人替你庆祝，也觉得好幸福。不会去担心自己的事业如何？30岁嫁不嫁的出？什么样的车好？以后退休怎样？又或者后悔着自己以前什么选择。

8年真的带来了这么多的《不同》。今天才发现。

不过今天看到他们，我还是很开心。

我们5个人，17岁认识。一路大家都往不同的方向走，想走出一条自己渴望的路。虽然路不同，有时还觉得越走越远，可贵的是大家还会对彼此的生活感兴趣也会为对方提些意见。

真希望这会一直继续。