a perverse comfort

明明 time-out， 两个却 .... 咳。
乱了分寸？儿童不宜。
后悔倒是没有。只是不知道过后，是好事，还是坏事。
有点戏剧化。And I thought such things only happen in movies. Well apparently, it could happen to me as well.

好消息是,hey, no alcohol was involved. So at least no guessing on that part. How comforting.

然后现在，我想我们两个继续慢慢想。

不安以后的另一个自己

说 'time-out'，下个问题马上是‘多久？’
两个礼拜前我也是有这样的疑问。‘多久’似乎成了重要的问题。每个朋友都一定会问。多久多久？不知道。不知道。原本我想知道因为我是一个不太喜欢这种不确定感觉的人。

朋友大多数觉得不要超过一个月会好些。有人说“他不可能要你等他1年吧？”他们担心不说清一段时间对我很不公平。
我明白他们的忧虑。我也担心我在浪费自己的时间。尤其假如时间长了。不过现在你叫我去逼问，我也觉得不妥。说真的，2个礼拜了，我还是没有答案。当然，没答案的一部分是因为我不知道他现在怎么想，在想什么。我又该如何想，该往哪方面想？另一部分，尘埃落定了吗？我也不确定。如果还没，时机还没成熟，我又何须一定要一个答案，一个结果？

灰色地带。虽然是有点不安，排除了不安，以外却让我自己目睹另一个自己，另一种心态。

Don't rush to judgment.
What good is harvesting if nothing is ripe?
What good is the tree if the roots are not deep enough?
What good is hurrying if it returns nothing of clarity and confidence?

So I tell myself these few days.

灰色地带。当不安成为了习惯，焦点开始转移到其他的地方。
或许这些地方，更重要。

One of the many choices that define life

I think I have wonderful friends. They usually will just tell me what they think, straight-up. Single-shot. Regardless I give them my clinical answers, or slightly emotional sides. So, these 10 days, what came across strongly can summed up in a few ways:-

- Independent (though this came in a few forms like strong, hard, has own mind. I believe I heard the term 'even harder after you-know-who' last night from Gwy). Perhaps a little too independent-minded for my own good in their minds.
- Disgustingly logical, though personally I always thought I was disgustingly emotional than logical. But I guess they must be right since more than 1 person said that.
- Between contacting Mr See versus not contacting Mr See during this period, I have the entire spectrum. So it is up to me apparently. But I have heard all sides of the arguments. My friends put up a spirited debate on this.
- The question is not whether I can live without Mr See or not. All of their conclusions point to “Yes, I can live very well without him”, but more of do I want him in my life or not. Whether basically sends me right back to the million-dollar question of “我在乎他吗” Honestly, I do. If I do not, I should not hurt. Indifference will then be my reaction to everything about him. I have another way of framing this pivotal point now, which I think is the angle I will use when brooding over this, namely, “Am I more complete with, or without him”. I know … what sort of question is this? I have no idea how I am going to answer this myself. Sigh.
- I need to start showing my emotional part, if this r/s ever restarts. Right .. like ermm, how does that work? But never mind, that is a IF.

Was there a quote that says “Love is a choice, moment by moment”. Or something like this? Anyhow. That is all it boils to, isn't it. Choices. His choice. My choice. Do I leave it entirely to him? Or I do attempt to do something about it?

What is my choice?
*Brooding*

Neglect

泱说我最近update blog 的频率真高。
看了，有点惭愧。
不是高了，而是这两年来少了。
至少和以前比起来，是少了。

Neglect is such an easy thing. Once in a while becomes the habit. Before you know it, it becomes the snake that bites you in the ass. And eventually the complete breakdown.

我不是不知道文字是我理性和感性之间的桥梁。我是知道的。只是自以为是，以为 I can get away with inconsistent journaling, and I will still be able to process everything in my inner and outer world properly. But guess what, apparently I cannot. My logic and emotions are often out of sync. What I feel is often different from my conscious mind. 看看这次的插曲就知道了。And because of that, I am beginning to think I dun always behave in the manner that suits my emotions the best, but rather that which suits my conscious mind. And so, a conflict.

朋友说我是超级理性派的。不知道在文字上，我还像是超级理性派的吗？

几行字 …
一时的感触 …

<泪几行，独自享
倒影心中的月光
心虽安，还是念
苦里甘甜的明白>

然后我就写不下去了。

杂记

What may appear to be a period of decay and chaos is merely a new search for equilibrium. A way of smoothing out differences, for a new balance. When my logical mind may fail me, and the tension it creates with my emotions, the indulgence that writing brings forth clarity. A certain platform to bring to form the images in my head, the emotional upheaval in my heart. To detox the impurities, to frustrate the raw diamond so that it may become truly the priceless artifact it could be.

I observe the ebb & flow of my emotions. The difference I feel daily. In isolation. The disorder and chaos I feel now is discomforting. I am unsure of its purpose, its rhythm. But I have to indulge in my moodiness, the logic and emotions of it. For only when I truly let it wash over me can I reemerge. Repression only defeats.

Everything in its time. For everything happens for a reason. True love of fate. Amor fati. I will not wish for things to be different. For my true anchor should be my capacity & acceptance of this belief, in this system of chaos.

Seemingly disparate, but they are all connected. From one perspective to another, charting the irreversible. What is in my hand? What is it that I can control? Time will only move from the past to the future. Whatever I do today will not reverse anything that has happened between me and anyone, or the world.

The past serves to teach so that we may grow and learn. It is the shoulder that we stand upon and grow. Only if I let it. So through these lens I view - future, equilibrium, Amor fati

因乱，所以累

“ I feel like you are talking about someone else's relationship and boyfriend rather than your own?”

“ Exactly 你在乎他吗？”

One 30th birthday. Manicure & pedicure. One crowded Italian diner with good food and wine. A little light-headed. 2 good girlfriends. 1 husband for the men's point of view.

Last night's dinner.

说了太多，讲了太多，听了太多。
然后只有一个不知所措。Between emotions and logic, a certain tension. The girls are right, I may not as detached as I am used to portraying myself as, and I may not as unaffected as I sound.

接下来呢？

没有两个人一开始就是绝配。也没有一段感情常常久久毫无纷争波动。是需要时间让成熟强壮，一天一点。而时间是我们浪费了的奢侈。时间也是我们现在不一定有的机会。他给不给机会不在我的掌控中。那是他的决定。我还要不要给机会是我不确定的一点。理智上，何必呢。情感上，不知道。

早上我们传了一大堆短讯。基本上是告诉他我的不确定和一些看法。我也不是要 un-time-out 任何事。只是乘现在还平静时还没彻底放弃时说些看法。我知道自己，有些时候，时机过了不想说了，就算对自己不利的，也还是不会说了。现在想说，能说，还是说了吧。因为可能以后我就不说了。

还好说了。因为现在你问我假如早上没说，我现在还会说吗？我想不了。现在我又觉得累了

the same message

In my world, coincidence is only the universe's way of telling me something. Out of a set of 78 cards, what are the odds of picking out the same card as yesterday?

Yes, I know, 1.28% chance.

Mathematically I know.

But add to it the purpose of the picking the card with the set faced down for meditation?

I am confounded to, say the least, of drawing exactly the same card.

Key words:-
~ time for deep let-go
~ allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there
~ accept its 'facitivity'
~ knowing there is nothing more you can do
~ transformation, like death, comes in its own time
~ and like death, it brings you from one dimension to another

Differences.
People deal with it differently I guess.
What I know is our differences are neutral. It is how we perceive that makes it positive or negative. In certain ways, he forces me to be a better me. I can detest this perceived “forcefulness”. Or I can deal and be aware I can be better. And in the long run make the r/s stronger because our capacity for each other is enhanced. How he views our differences? I guess it is a insumountable barrier in his mind. Every difference is a glaring fault perhaps. I know I have tried. I am not sure if he has really been trying hard these past 6 months or has he just been simmering over our differences. Perhaps it should not matter anymore right now. I should just accept whatever happened is water under the bridge, and see where we go from here.

Let-go. Let go whatever has happened. Accept whatever may come.
因为也有点累了.

dealing with it

太极有阴阳之分
天有太阳月亮之别
我有高兴沮丧，想念不想念，平静不平静

关键在于比例
和我怎么处理
我不能说我一直都很平静
有时发呆时或一个不小心
又觉得有点难过

昨晚还是有点想念他
就放肆传了一个短讯

I hate it that I actually miss you.
Okay, dun need to reply.
Just need to get that out of my system.

传了，难过也少了一点
好像之前不说气不顺
说了，顺多了
even if I come across as stupid for not sticking by the parameters of a time-out.

Actually, come to think of it ..
are there any parameters in the first place?
He didn't say. I didn't say.
Oh well.

今天，还好
真的，还好

记得，关键在于我怎么处理我的不安
而不是期盼没有不安

没哭，没闹，没上吊

9月13号应该是 one-year anniversary. 却成了time-out. 吃顿饭是我要求的，也没为什么。只是想和他静静的吃一顿。我要自己清楚知道暂停了, time-out了，别乱了分寸。可还是在安排时间地点时被他乱了阵脚，以前很普通的短讯回复'thanks dear' 却让我这次愣了一下。吃饭时我很小心，话也不多，过后就闲逛，说说天说说地，也就是没说我们俩。因为冷气的缘故，我感觉冷。把冷冰的手塞进了裤袋，希望暖些。他又出乎我意料，似乎很自然像以往rubbed my arms, asking '还会很冷吗？'

那时我心里一直念'不要这样，friends dun rub my arms when I am cold. Only my partner does. 不要这样'. 我希望那时他没看出我心里的慌。我有一点明白，昨晚我是有机会把他拉回来的，有一半的机会，but I didn't take it.

Why didn't I take it? It was instinctive. I am beginning to feel that I need to let him loose and figure out for himself what he needs a partner for. It does not matter whether I want to keep to relationship or not, if he does not or if he is unsure. 一个女生要开口留住一个男生真的不难,可留下了我们继续不开心又为了什么呢。

他是应该有些空间想想。我也是需要这空间为自己想想怎样的我才比较幸福。

不过我不否认，我今天还是像以往的每一天都有想他。
虽然我从来没告诉他。他也从来不知道其实我都会想念他。
我用了今天所有的本事不要拿起电话找他。
明天会容易些吧。我是愿意这么想。

最后还是哭了

本来认为我不会
也不可能
最后还是哭了

开着车，哭了
关在厕所，哭了
以为平复了，照着镜子，又哭了

或许哭后的释放会好过些
至少我是这么希望

意外的泪水
原来我真的好累了
一次又一次
最后还是哭了