再过一个小时，就是2004年了。好快！这365天似乎眨了眨眼就过了。怪不得有句话 – 时光似水，一不小心就流失了。也许时间过得快是件好事，至少从某个角度证明了日子还不算乏味。不过也因为这样，必须检讨每天是否把时间和精力放在我们在乎的人与事，而不是追求一些无谓的目标。

我把这些写了下来，并不是我有什么资格教任何人过日子的道理。而是希望提醒我自己不要盲目地投入任何事，口是心非，或过一个非心髓所欲的人生。

2003年，我学会了“面对”。

面对自己的经历，感情，情绪和最终自己。这个过程我放在心上，它不会只是一个回忆而将是我成长的起点！

生命里有太多我无法掌控的事了，也无需花太多的精力在哪儿钻牛角尖。越钻反而生活会越过越乏味越无聊！

我想2004年，我不会在原地钻牛角尖了。我想用一个探险家的精神，换个方向过个新的体验。2004年，我希望我会了解什么是“相信自己 – 勇敢“。

Okay, this is ridiculous ... my readings for 2004 as follows:-

Nutshell: Positive trends and personal intensity will impact on all areas of your life. Make sure you spend time with people who are good for you.
Love: As planets shake up you idea of who you are and your purpose in the world, your ideas about who you want to spend your life with will change.
Home: You should be able to put a dream into practice by July. You key months could in March and April, when you have the chance to break free, but don't throw away anything you've worked to build. The more remarkable your life becomes, the more wisdom and self control you require.
Warning: Tread carefully from May to July when a partner holds you back or block your path.

Given my current mess in life, I say such a horoscope certainly warrants me recording it on this journal here so I can review it again as 2004 swings by.

Emotional intimacy requires you to surrender your independence.
Dependency would leave one vulnerable.

As much as I cannot convince myself to give up my emotional independence now, it is clear to me that I will consider it one of my greatest blessing and life experience to enjoy emotional dependency once again in the future.

Vulnerability is a scary notion. But at least we would have given our all in that relationship.

Is that not what life is about really, giving your all?

Do you believe in signs?

As in a signal, a pointer, an arrow directing you to a certain road? I had the feeling today that someone up there may have a sign for me. It's a little mind-boggling. I have been "wondering" about living my life for the past few months. I even confessed to a superior at work that I'm quite confused about my direction in life.

I was reading my horoscope on Sat. It startled me a little. It follows:-
"You have been more thoughtful of late, and have begun to be more true to yourself. This is due to your own recent introspection. Yes, dear Libra, you really can change your life. All it takes is time and commitment. You have made great progress in your personal development. Continue on this path and you will wind up in a much better place. Keep your eye on the goal, but don't be so focused that you forget to enjoy the journey."

Earlier, I was just trying to finish my Dec's copy of Reader's Digest. The article I read was on "Simplicity Regained". The gist of it was simply maybe it is time to slow down and take stock; re-evaluate our philosophy of life.

Right now, I'm just trying to grapple with all these "signs". Are they even signs which are suggesting my path for 2004 perhaps? Or am I just crazy? Hmmm....

Then again, who really knows who are the crazy ones until our time on earth is up?

这几天的日子，是任性地，随意地，凭着自己的心情过的。也许对有些人来说，是很乱七八糟的过, 不过这两天我过得蛮开心的。原来不顾虑时间和别人的意见，心会自由。原来抛开平时生活的习惯而随心所欲，是种享受。

我老早忘了自由和享受的感觉。突然又发现了这种感觉，有点兴奋，有点害怕。我会凭这感觉做出什么样的决定和选择呢？

There is a saying – “Alone but not lonely. Lonely but not alone”.

我真的没想过我竟会体会，了解，明白这句话的意思。而且这体验也深深地刻在我心里。

从小，很习惯有人陪着。不论是朋友，同学，男朋友，同事或妹妹，我不论做什么事，都一定有个伴。也不在乎什么性格，想法或一切的一切，只要那个人愿意什么都不成问题。年轻不懂事，也不会去想和那个人在一起开不开心或适不适合。反正假如一个人肯陪我，想必就应该是喜欢和我一起过时间，过日子吧！

当一种习惯久了，就变成了人生的现实。而现实也是最难改变的。20多年来，这就是我的世界，不懂得如何和自己相处的一个女生。可能真的有上帝或神灵吧，一直照着我。他们应该是觉得庭芳许要长大一些儿，了解自己多些，成熟一点儿。

在我23岁那年，他们给我人生旅程换了一个新的行程，朝一个新的方向走。感情的结束不只带来了伤与悲，也带来了无边无际的寂寞与孤单。对我一个习惯有人陪的人来说，简直就是世界末日，失去了自我。甚至怀疑那4年的感情是一个天大的谎话。我不知道怎样面对一个人的生活，更不会收拾那乱七八糟的心情。有很久一段时间，我谁都不想见也不爱说话因为我不懂我什么时候会落泪，失控或想他。我退到我世界的一个小角落，等待我没有泪水那天的到来。就这样，一个人在一个别人触摸不到的地方等着；一个人守着那颗心盼着它静下来。可要一颗心静下来，并不容易。需要反复重温那些伤与悲，去面对了解甚至原谅。好难！

在了解和寻找的当儿，我想了许多事。想从前想现在想未来。想人生想家庭想事业想身边的人。而最重要的，面对自己。重新检讨自己的需要，渴望，梦想，感动，悲伤。好苦！有时苦到我不太认识我自己了，也不知镜子前的那个女生是谁。以前有点自大自我的性格好像心碎死了。没了，不在了。

现在算是苦尽甘来吗？

这一年多的面对于了解，让我明白了许多事。也许我以前所坚持的一切并不是对的，并不会带给我一丝的幸福，反而会带来许多烦恼。更重要的是我找回了自我。原来一个人静静地陪着自己，想着做着自己的事而没有一毫的寂寞与孤单感，是最幸福的。假如身旁的人不明白你的需要，渴望与梦想，那倒是一件廷孤单的感觉。

当习惯久了，就变成了人生的现实。我想一个人的生活就是我现在的世界吧！不过至少我是带着笑容和对自己更深的了解继续我人生旅程。

我想这一下路走来，明白了这“Alone but not lonely. Lonely but not alone”的道理，心碎也是值得的。

Today during a brief Christmas dinner, one cousin made a revelation. He admitted that his relationship with his long-time gf is patchy, and that he envies me for my swinging single life currently. I remembered they got together around the same time when I entered into my previous relationship. That means they are together for 5 years already. The conversation then turned to marriage and how do we know that the person is the "right" person.

Somewhat a thought provoking topic during dinner.

Are modern-day romantic relationships so complex and perplexing? Is there really a character out there who is the "right" one for us? Is the thought of searching for your other half a romantic myth? Or do we all just have our heads stuck in the notions of romance that we are all chasing for a hope that will not come true? And our expectations of relationships are all marred by the visions of romance sprinkled by Hollywood?

Perhaps there are 2 accepted schools of thoughts out there in today's society. One would be the hopeless romantic who believes in soul mates and that our other half is also out there searching for us. The second would be the souls who diss any notions of romance and prefers to stick by the safer thought of companionship; that it is already considered lucky if we are able to locate someone who would pledge to spend the rest of their lives with you, soul mates or not.

Which school of thought do you belong to?

Which school of thought do I belong to?

Afterall people's thinking do change as they undergo different life experiences. Does age influence the way people view modern-day relationships? I like to believe that somewhere out there, there is someone who understands my thoughts and emotions. It gives me hopes of romance, contentment and "happily every after". But likewise, I'm also aware that there may be a chance that our paths may never cross just like 2 parallel lines. How does one balance between such 2 different understanding in one body and mind?

There are many people who will catch your eye in life. However there will only be a few that will catch your heart. Can we use the "first-come-first-serve" theory in settling for a mate then? Or do we hold our guts out and wait for the one who will catch your heart and not settle for second-best? In the meantime, can one bear the pressure of the singlehood? Failing which, will one turn bitter when they then change their mind and decide that their personal belief in relationship is actually just a facade painted by movies and dramas?

Perhaps we should all seriously think through our expectations of our lives and what sort of relationship we expect to have in this lifetime. Make a choice of either being a irrational romantic or pragmatic companion.

At least we would all know our dreams and pursue in the right direction, rather than heading off in the wrong direction right from the start.

Stick with it and do not look back. Perhaps this is the best advice I can give to myself.

今天好难得，竟然可以一个人静静的度过一个下午。都会人可以算是可怜的一群吗？每天都忙于工作，生活，生存。为了那份薪水，一天忙到晚。得到的薪水，换来了一大堆其实我们不是很需要的东西。我们真的需要大一点的车吗？一定要最新的手机吗？都会人是不是已经分辨不出什么是“须要”和“想要”了？

说真的，我一天忙到晚，也不知道我到底在忙什么？我到底在忙什么？好无聊啊！我想人生不应该是这样吧？不应该只是为了满足自己物质上的享受吧？

我不否认我以前的人生观很狭窄。从小到大，我一心就认定了我要做一个很成功的生意人，一个商业界的大人物。所以我选择了读会计，现在正是一位审计师。在别人眼里，这是一份很好的职业选择因为薪金算高。假如能熬那前几年的压力，前途会是蛮亮的。而我也算是熬过了前几年了。在我父母眼里，这也算是他们的骄傲。

我现在过的生活，是我从小精心策划的。一步走来，一直是我从小向往的。可笑的是我发现其实我想要的未必是我现在所拥有的。我不后悔我以前所坚持的一切，因为这也能算是我对我小时候的梦想做出的追求和努力吧。好不容易一一得来，才发现这整个忙来忙去的过程好没意思。我到底在忙些什么？为了满足我的什么须要呢？

物质吧？可为了这物质的“想要”，我的时间已不再是我能掌管的了。偶尔有一些私人的时间，是补睡或用来做一些琐碎的事。就这样，一天过一天，一年过一年。年纪虽然越来越大，不过人生也过得很死板。

我真的不希望我的人生是如此。我不想在我三十岁回味时，才发现其实我没有真正的活过。除了一个物质的生活以外，我的生活是空虚的。为了钱而放弃了自己的可望和梦想。虽然我不是很清楚我心里到底想要的是什么，但至少我已心知假如现在的路继续走下去我将终生遗憾，后悔自己没勇敢真正地活过。

就是这样 – 我24岁的生活感触。

Today had been quite an embarrassing day at work today.

I have never been able to control myself very well physically when discussing issues or matters close to my heart with people I'm not very comfortable and familiar with. Let me explain myself - everything I explain/discuss issues close to my heart and self, I tend to get a little choked up and tear easily. Do not get me wrong. It's not that I cry easily or get upset easily. It's just really a physical reaction! I tear easily (if I'm not careful) when talking about sensitive issues with people. And oh yes! My nose would turn red as well, an obvious red embarrassingly.

This physical reaction was the cause of my embarrassment at work today, in front of my counseling manager today.

Every half a year, we would have a "counseling session" with our designated manager to discuss our career paths and our work experiences so far. Within the firm, this counseling session is always considered a "for-show" only kind of activity which we all have to get through with no value-added. For some personal reasons only known to myself, I have resolved not to let my counseling session be a no-value adding session again like prior years. I decided that I would be very frank with my thoughts about my working
experience with the firm and I would be very honest that I'm doubting my direction in career and life generally.

It is already obvious that I'm going to let my manager on to something quite personal in my life. So guess what happened? When I broach the topic, my physical reaction came. Eyes teared a little, nose turned red a little and sniffled a little. Extremely embarrassingly as far as I'm concerned, but I refused to be embarrassed by myself to stop the honesty that was coming.

However I'm very grateful to my manager for not questioning and asking but was patiently listening all the while. For this, thanks a lot, Kien. I came clean about how all the seniors in the firm are not quite happy with the style of management in the firm. I came clean about how stressful it can be working. I came clean that I'm questioning why I'm putting myself in the position I am currently in. I came clean that I'm questioning my direction in life.

And I'm heartened to know that my manager could understand and could lend a listening ear. What does he think about this sniffling senior, I do not really care. But I'm glad he cared enough to tell me that I need to take sometime off and really consider my direction in life. He could have turned the other way and just judged me as a youth who has no idea what she was talking about.I'm happy that he did not do that. Instead he proved himself to be a really nice chap about the whole counseling session.

Now, that would be the infamous oxymoron of all times:-
"Those poor little rich kids"

今天回家时又下着雨
下雨天总是让人很有感触

我静静地坐在车里
听者孙燕姿的歌
看着雨一滴一滴地飘下
这场雨把周围洗的干干净净
让人觉得明天将会是一个全新的一天

这种干觉有点安慰，也有点忧郁

这几天我过得很不开心
上班没心情工作
看着那些文件，也没进大脑

有点不知所措的感觉
觉得过得生活并不是我心里深处想过得生活
好像我在过着别人想要我过得生活
钱再多又怎样？

最可笑的是天天忙于工作与生活
我早已忘了自己想要的生活和自己以前的梦想是什么了！

有时很想哭
可我凭什么哭， 凭什么不开心？
别人一生向往的名车，洋房，钱财
我都拥有了
就因为我出生好

不过我想像的人生应该不是这样的吧？
人生不可能就只须名车与钱财吧？
梦想和坚持呢？还重不重要？

I'm quite quite terrible today.
Instead of working and being the useful ant in the society today, I went off from work "illegally" and came home to tweak with my homepage & went shopping with my sister.

Did I feel guilty? A little, but simply because I know I'm not supposed to do that. The guilt did not arise because I felt bad towards the company. If I had not done that, I would probably have spent the whole of the afternoon surfing the Net on company's broadband and listening to music instead. Not exactly a very good sign of attitude towards my work huh.

I'm not proud of such a happening.

Personally, that's not the kind of attitude I expect myself to have towards the work I do. But then again, I expect myself to choose something that I may potentially enjoy in my life, rather than whatever I am doing now.

Can I fight my own insecurities in life and leave this current job (which pays pretty well by society's standards) and go on a off-beaten track instead? The money may not be there, but at least I wouldn't spend the next half of my adulthood wondering "what-if I had...."

今天回家的时候下着雨
其实我很喜欢下雨的天气
有点忧郁
有点伤感

我像路上所有的人一样
把伞拿了出来
放慢了脚步
慢慢走着
那雨一滴一滴的落下
我静静地听着
在那伞下，仿佛世界上只有我一个人

一个人的时候
我总会想起他
想起他的好
想起他的坏
想起我们的一切一切

在回家的路上
我又想起他了
为何我又想起他？

Life can be so divine
Full of passion, emotions and energy
Why is everything so deadpanned instead?

All the emotionless faces around me
Being the busy ant as dictated by societal norms
Funny that we actually have a term for that
It is called efficiency

Does a productive society really needs to be so rigid and stern?
Where the slightest leisure time is viewed as inefficiency
And we are all only entitled to 2 days of leisure?!?

Why can't the workplace be the community that celebrates the variety of life and the fulfillment of leisure?

Come join me in my pursuit of leisure, the essence of life
Come enjoy the wonderous experience of having all the time in the world to enjoy your own interests
Come live your life for all that is worth
Come and learn that you are not a boring person and that your life experiences are much more precious than the S$14/hr that it pays currently

Understand yourself, choices in life - The Joy of Leisure

Today I was musing. I was thinking to myself if it is really okay personally if I really do not meet anyone in the future next time ... would I really be okay about growing old by myself?

Do I fear the sight that people cast along my way?

Exactly what is love? Will anyone understand me? My thoughts, my fears, my feelings? And will I be able to reciprocate in the manner that is worthy?

Is there ever a person made for me? Or only in my dreams do such a man exist?

The turns and twist of "living" really amazes me at times. Everyday brings forth new happenings which just changes your life, your perception of things, new thinking, new ways of re-evaluating your own life.

Being along .... I tend to think through a lot of things.

My life...
My "future", if I even have one ....
My past ...
My experiences ....

If not for whatever had happened to me, good or bad ... I would not be who I am today. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. They mould me into who I am right now ... critic? A skeptic? A romantic at heart? Whatever .... I am who I am ... always a mess of thoughts. Not always coherent, but always thinking.

It's going to be Christmas again.
Another year has come and passed.
What have I done with my past year?

What have you done with yours?