无平静，无心安

今晚找不到平静。
今晚找不到心安。

想找些支持，却一点也没有。反而好像被扑了一身的冷水，有种孤军奋战的感觉。孤单，寂寞，一个人。好重的心情，好沉的沮丧。直压着胸口和脖子，觉得就快透不过气来了。

我很想直接了当的面对自己的胆怯，焦急和渴望。我很想发脾气，大骂甚至把眼前的阻碍炸掉。可这样是于事无补的，不是明智的。所以我很压抑这对我很自然的反应。现在的沉淀是不自然的，不过是必要的。

我需要思考。

事前，我一直想。觉得我因该是可以完成这件事，所以我做了决定。现在，决定带来了它的机会，同时也带来了许多我得自己一个人面对的困难。站在自己得面对的问题时，突然自己变了好渺小。

觉得惨了！完了！这次怎么办？

所以我现在又在想，希望找出一条最完美的路。

越想心情越沉重，有点不知所措。一直在两种心理状态中拉扯着。我该萎缩害怕？还是理直气壮？选择放弃？还是勇往直前？好辛苦，好累。我只希望在我走出一条路后，不是遍体鳞伤的。

Missing the comfort of basic common understanding ...

I was in an alright mood today. Considering that I managed to get quite a bit of reading done today, I should be quite happy with how my day turned out. I even managed to meet some Uni friends for dinner. But somehow, for some reasons unknown to me earlier, I lapsed into what my friend noticed as "quiet" mood during dinner. Actually it was slight "depression" mode, unknown to people around.

I didn't talk a lot, which apparently was pretty noticeable. I infer that normally I come with a lot of noise. I know something was not quite right, something I could not put my finger on as well. Being in the company of friends outside is not quite the right time for introspection or to ponder on your own mood swings. So I left it as that.

Meaningless internet surfing, with its countless clicking, does put one's active mind on auto-pilot and lets the sub-conscious mind set in.

I know what was wrong.

Somehow, the friendship had turned a little distant, a little cold tonight. Maybe I was thinking too much, being too sensitive. It does count as a huge deal to me when I have nothing to say to my friends, nothing to joke about, nothing to share. It felt like there was nothing in common. Silence can be deafening. Tonight's silence over dinner table was a little too loud and its duration progressively longer. How can 4 people sitting at the same table not have anything much to say? Even strangers have the weather to discuss about.

Conversations used to flow flawlessly from one topic to another, without much of the deafening bouts of silence. Could this be the pangs of growing up, when one another's experience differs so much that we can no longer relate? And that one another's thoughts and focus in life begins to deviate, and hence less grounds for sharing and talking?

I miss the comfort of understanding; of common focus in life; of the similarities of experience; and of the knowledge that you are not quite alone.

I hope I am just being entirely wrong on this matter. I hate this stupid feeling of "depression" anyway. Maybe it is just PMS; maybe I am just being too sensitive; maybe I can will all these away.

Didn't people say the will of humans is stronger than steel? Maybe I can will all these negativity away.

一个懂你的人

要找到真爱，便要找到一个懂你的人。
这个人也许并不是十全十美，但因为他懂你；
你就认为他是十全十美的，就是这么一个“懂”字。

懂是什么？

当你遇到挫折时，他不说一句损你尊严的话；
当你意气用事时，他会娓娓解说事理给你听；
当你心情不好时，他绝不和你一般见识大吵大闹；
当你远隔千里，难得见面时，他也深信你；
当你愉快时，他也愉快而且告诉你；
当你烦恼时，他也烦恼但不曾轻易告诉你。

“懂”是需要多少的了解，多少的体谅，多少的爱心。
要找一个懂你的人，也许很难，但要有信心。
找一个懂你的人，也期许自己做一个懂他的人。

聪明的人，喜欢猜心；虽然每次都猜对了，却失去了自己的心。
傻气的人，喜欢给心；虽然每次都被嘲笑，却得到了别人的心。

这不是我写的，不过觉得写的很好。每个人寻寻觅觅，就是在找一个懂自己的人。我何尝不是，你何尝不是。可惜的是，不是每个人都会找得到。或许是不想再相信了，也或许是不想用一身来等待一个未必能实现的渴望。

常常，也可能碰到一个懂你的人，可在你沾沾自喜时，忘了做一个懂他的人。最后也就一头空，白欢喜。好浪费，好可惜。

Glory of living

Sometimes when the rational side of me is dominant and adopt a slightly more pessimistic view of issues, I wondered if I would be bitter and disappointed should my dreams and expectations fail to live out. I wondered if I should feel cheated of the twists of chances and opportunities should my life take a turn for the worse. I wondered if I would be brimming full of regrets in my old age.

I have no idea what to make out of this notion, this gift given called Life.

And really, one of the main issue that I do grapple with everyday about Life is the understanding of "Courage" and "Fear".

How does one go about making Life glorious? How do you celebrate Life in the face of fear?

I have no answer. I am still wondering. But I came across this quote from Nelson Mandela. I am sure I would fully appreciate the meaning of his statement in my own personal capacity at the right time, sometime in the future.

"But if our expectations, if our fondest prayers and dreams are not realised, then we should bear in mind that the greatest glory of living lies not in never falling, but in rising everything you fall"

Nelson Mandela

Barrage of bad news

There has been a torrid bombardment of bad news recently. It makes reading the papers in the morning depressing.

We have the case of a Korean guy being beheaded in Iraq. And then, we have all the bombings and killings in Iraq in the area of Falluja (which at my last reading stated 100 dead). And now, we have an Iran tanker carrying full of gasoline which crashed and killed more than 70 people in a fireball.

Locally, we have the Nicholl Highway which is still very fresh in my mind, together with the site collapse at Ayer Rajah. Then there are those errant cases of someone stabbing someone or killing someone (take for example the case of the youth who was stabbed to death at Westmall). Or you have some poor lass who was abused.

(Of course some people might tell me the Eurocup match when England lost to Portugal on penalties, but are you serious?)

Senseless. Mostly senseless and without reason tragedies.

It makes the world hard to understand and impossible to grapple. I do not remember growing up with so much bad news around me, but that was probably because I was not an avid reader of newspapers last time. But now, everytime I read the papers, it just harden me more. Emotionally, too much bad news and negative reports can wear you down.

How many beheading can you bear? I have already reached my quota for my lifetime.

So you learn to protect yourself. You learn to distant yourself from the happenings and just read them with a poker-straight face. You just continue living in the world that we are all so lucky to be living in, pushing out all the bad news and happenings as if it was a movie because it would never happen to us. We form our own little protective bubble & live in our own little world, pretending that it does not interact with the rest of the globe; taking the blessings that we enjoy as granted such as human rights. In our own little bubble, we engage in our own pursuits, bettering our interests or material comforts. We have to learn to make ourselves happy in our own little ways when all we see is a rush of negative news every morning. And I try to do that, to keep my spirits up.

I will not fully understand whatever point the extremists in the Middle East are trying to make with their ideological adaptation of their religion. I do not grasp the motive of the half-hearted decisions of the Western powers in times like this. But I know opinions of people are the hardest to change, and politics sometimes turn out to be a dirty game without really advancing people's cause.

And this just dampens my spirits more, being a citizen of this world. Not just being a citizen of my country.

I like to ask loudly "WHAT KIND OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN"? But that sounds highly frustrated and angry with the world. It sounds like I no longer have any hope of any advancement of civilization in the world. However that is not the case. We have come a long way as humans, as civilizations. No matter our race, our beliefs and our language, I want to believe that we are progressing together as mankind, as a collective civilization.

In the face of the barrage of bad news, I want to believe in the possibility one day I will wake up and read that there is a ceasefire in Iraq; that people in China not only have economic freedom but also political freedom; that women in Middle East not only can drive but can vote and work in the society; that there are no more ideological franchise of Al-Queada and many other more positive news that will bring a smile to many people's faces.

I do not want to think that the world is regressing. I want to believe, the world is just taking 2 steps forward but 1 step back; that we are still progressing albeit slowly.

过去。现在。未来。

我很想相信现在是我过去努力的成果。可不是。我的现在，并非我过去的梦想，并非我过去的想象。

我很想相信没实现的原因是因为某些不在我控制范围的因素。可不是。我的现在，是我过去不是很努力，不是很勇敢的情况下换来的。

我很想相信在人生这条路，我一直很努力的向前。可不是。饶了几个弯，我还是在原来的位置，感觉在前进可却还是丝毫没把现实和目标的距离缩短。

过去和现在，就是这样的关系。喜欢也好，不喜欢也罢。不可改变，不可磨去。

现在和未来又是什么样的关系呢？

我要我的未来是我现在所想象的，所梦想的。我要我的未来是我的努力和勇敢换来的。就算梦想无法完全达成，我也要我的未来和梦想近距离。

我的第一步，就是承认自己过去，明白自己的现在。我不再否认，不再自欺欺人骗自己一切已是最好了，或安慰自己已没有选择了。

不肯承认过去的过错而执迷不悟，就是用未来弥补现在的遗憾。

这，我赔不起。

机会, 机缘

“Opportunity is a matter of chance, not a matter of time”
Or so they say.

就算机缘到了你面前，可假如是在不适当的时候出现，也是没有用的。因为我们不会把握，或许是胆怯或没心里准备。就是会让它流失。

机会，不只需要机缘，更需要时机。

在恰当时机出现的机缘，叫机会，叫开始，叫未来。
在不恰当时机出现的机缘，叫错过，叫遗憾，叫回忆。

Opportunity is a matter of having the right chance at the right time.

而这是我讲的。

For a reason, a season, a lifetime ...

People always come into your life for
A REASON,
A SEASON,
OR A LIFETIME.

When you figure out which it is, You know exactly what to do...When someone is in your life

FOR A REASON,
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly... They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually...They may seem like a Godsend, and they are... they are there for a reason you need them to be...Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, Or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end... sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand...What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; Their work is done...The prayer you sent up has been answered And it is now time to move on...

When people come into your life FOR A SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn...they may bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh...they may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount
Of joy...Believe it! It is real! But, ONLY FOR A SEASON...And like Spring turns to Summer
And Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME RELATIONSHIPS teach you a lifetime of lessons; Those things you must build upon
In order to have a solid emotional foundation...Your job is to accept the lesson, Love the person/people (anyway); And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life...

It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant...

I have always remembered this when I first read it. It affirmed my belief that we are all interconnected in someways or the other. Everyone's path cross for a reason. Or at least that is what I like to believe in.

And why this entry?
So I will always have it by my side instead of just relying on my memory.
I wonder who would be my lifetime friends? And who would fade away and be a piece of memory?

the image ..

And this was the image I had in mind when I was trying to link the 4 virtues together. Originally I kept on thinking "it has gotta be a 'Y' shape". But it just doesn't feel right. Only when I wrote that poem-like 4 sentences, then I realised what I had in mind all along was a triangular pyramid. There are no other nicer photos than this .... and it is from this site [to give credit]. 

The 4 virtues ... [continued]

Hey journal,

I was throwing about the 4 virtues in my head again today. Did my usual stuff,which basically amounts to nothing much and surfed a little, trying to understand a bit more of what the ancient Greek folks were thinking when they came up with these. Pretty interesting philosophy, very basic but very powerful notions. I tried to come up with my own personal meanings to them instead of relying on the dictionary. I guess I have to if I want these 4 virtues to mean something to me, in my everyday life, in their personal ways. I have to admit I am pretty bad at defining words, afterall I am linguistically-challenged.

It took me an entire hour of doodling on my notepad before I can come with up anything, but this is my best shot at organizing my thoughts on these 4 virtues [and I am sure sub-consciously, I plagiarized some of the wordings, somehow, from some other websites].

Wisdom - Excellence of reason
Temperance - Moderation of spirit
Courage - Mastery of fear
Justice - Accordance of truth

I know, a lot of people will pick fault with my definition of justice. Afterall the dictionary did say "Justice is when you are being just, impartial and fair". And when one does that, you do accord the truth, grant the fairness of the situation and bring it to reality.

And I have to agree with Plato [Wow, like who the bloody hell am I to agree with Plato?], wisdom and temperance must come in unity with courage before justice and truth will see the light of the day. I am not as eloquent as Plato to surmise it into one sentence. But I got to have my own personal statement on this to make my belief whole, so again, my best attempt at organizing these 4 virtues into something personal.

One alone, it means nothing
Two incomplete, no form is served
Three united, the base is laid
Peak rises, justice brightly shines

Does this mean something?
It sure means something to me, something personal, but essential.

The 4 virtues ...

Today I was just reading and I came across this quote:

"Courage, the footstool of the Virtues, upon which they stand"
Robert Louis Stevenson

[Now, for those who do not know, this guy wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Extremely talented man with a whole lot of other very good quotes. But that is for another blog].

I was stupefied. Why is "virtues" in caps? And what exactly makes up the virtues? I know what the 7 sins are, but kill me for I have no idea what the "Virtues" are. I need to know. He used the word "footstool". This isn't very common. I would have used cornerstone or something else. Does that mean he is referring to 4 virtues, rather than 7 or 8 or 10?

I guess. My educated guess.

Anyhow, this is what I dug from the internet.

Classical Greek philosophers considered the foremost virtues to be prudence, temperance, courage, and justice.

Our modern definition of these virtues according to the Merriam-Webster Online are as follows:-
1. Prudence refers to "the ability to govern and discipline oneself by the use of reason". The excellence of reason could be more commonly referred to as "wisdom";
2. Temperance refers to "moderation in action, thought, or feeling";
3. Courage refers to "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty";
4. Justice refers to "the quality of being just, impartial, or fair".

Plato bonded these 4 Virtues as such, "Wisdom is the chief and leader: next follows temperance; and from the union of these two with courage springs justice".

I know, you are going to ask me what I am hoping to achieve by digging up all these. 我不知道，不过我得先搞清楚。或许以后有用。You never know when a little awareness of philosophy is going to help you in your life next time.

I am going to sit on this for a while. I think originally I wanted to know what courage means; what sort of difference it can make to my life mentally and emotionally.

Bear with me, dear journal. I am sure there is a reason why I am digging here, but it is just not obvious to me yet. It will hit me, I am sure it will hit me later as I plod along in life.

Above all, I am a woman

前两天和朋友icq, 就谈到我们各自现在都处于在“寻找”的时期。各有各的辛苦，各有各的难处，各都在为自己的missing component努力。大家还是有自己的希望。对自己的生活还是满怀梦想。

那时大家的语气都满严肃的。现在我回想当时，觉得有点好笑，不过很真实。是女生对女生很坦白的谈话。关于missing component, 我们两个人的答案都包括了“男人”。

哈，这样写会不会好像很花吃。（天啊，还有人会读这些。不过，这是我家！）

男人。

是时候再谈恋爱了吧？
身边有个人疼爱多好？

下雨时，他帮你撑伞，紧紧抱住你，怕你会淋湿。
生病时，他拿水给你，看着你吃药，怕体温不降。
忙碌时，他寄你个sms, 提醒你吃饭，怕你胃又疼。

而你也一心一意像着他。挂念他，惦记他，疼爱他。

一切的甜密。被宽容、体谅、明白、尊重、鼓励、信任和一起到老的信念维持着。

多美好，就这样一辈子。

我这样的梦想，会不会很傻。好像对爱情的想法很简单很天真，甚至很不像我。每个女生都希望自己有自己的爱情。不论它多平凡，但真挚。其实很多人对我都有不同的想法，印象。或许，对某些人，我是大小姐。或脾气有点怪。又或是个对自己未来有很多期望的一个人。

不论家庭、背景、事业或性格，我是我。不管我有多少层的想法，性格，我到底还是女生。而，女生都是对自己的感情生活有所期待的。

No matter my role in the society, the world I live in, or who I am.
Above all, I am a woman.

This is probably the best and worst thing about being a woman. Always.

Be my friend....

Just a little attempt at verbalizing my thoughts on friendship...

Be my Friend
Honour & Trust
Love & Respect
Be my friend

Share dreams & aspirations
Share defeats & victories
Be my friend

Be my cheerleader
Be my critic
Be my friend

On this journey of life & youth
Be my companion
Be my friend

Something I read ...

Just a little something which I read today:

"Dreams are memories that have yet to come"

Wow!

An excerpt of an email reply to a friend ..

" 我很羡慕你现在的世界。做学生，多好。一切都布置好，安排好了。你只需凭自己的努力，用工读书。开始，终点，考试，放假。一切，都是那么明显，那么直接。不需想太多，不需太怀疑自己的选择。因为，作为学生，选择的范围也不是很大。

这一两年来，我慢慢发现也深深体会人生总是在一些矛盾的心理中挣扎。我总是在2种心理状态中拉扯。我也知道会拉扯是因为我有时分不清事情的分际。我真的不知道怎么跟你解释。

就说事业，我面前不只是两条路那么简单。假如我只需想我得向左还是向右，我不会那么迷惘。可现在在我面前，有好多条路给我选。而每一条路的结果都毫不一样，我也不懂自己到底能承受那后果吗。

而，这只是事业。There are so many other elements at play as well. Like my family, my finances, the experiences I would want to seek in my life. For every decision I make about my career, it has a direct impact and influence on other areas of my life.

我也有自己私人的问题，而我也在为自己找答案。例如：我是谁？我有什么梦想？我希望自己成为什么样的人？我能承受什么样的生活？我未必找得到这些答案，可我不能装作它们不存在。当我再寻找答案时，常常在悲观与乐观的心态中徘徊。我很明白，对于事物，好与坏永远只是一念之差。所以我很努力，尽力把自己放在乐观主义的观点。想好好的生活，真的需要很多力气。可我也有累的时候。就没有力气再乐观了，所以，有时悲观吧。

我可以很逃避地什么都不想，一头栽进那忙忙碌碌的生活。我可以，不过我知道以后我一定后悔。不过，就算我现在不逃避，稳稳当当地为自己的人生琢磨，我也很怕。我怕，其实花了时间和精力，我还是什么都不懂。到最后，一切都来不及了。

那，害怕一切都来不及，也就会担心时间的流失。我不是怕老，不过我知道增加同时也代表了减少。减少我有机会为自己的人生做出努力的时间。

这种矛盾乱七八糟的心境，不一定每个人都会经历。就算倾诉，也不一定代表明白。不像以前学生时，大家的心理状态都差不多。不过还好有文字。

I am not sure if I am happy. But at least I know, at the end of this when I have made my decision and move on, I will be happy that I took this time off at this point in my life. For better or worse, I know I will be glad I am doing this now.

我得相信我一定会幸福，不是吗。"

一定幸福

幸福

这两个字，最近一直出现在我的日常生活里。

前天逛书店，看到一本书名叫《一定要幸福》。既然如此，和这本书算有点缘，买下。有空得读。昨晚和朋友吃饭，聊着天，就聊到每个人对生活成功和幸福的定义。唯一大家认同的，就是别人觉得你幸福没有用。你自己得觉得你是幸福的，才行。不然，一切都是白说。回到家看电邮时，朋友说原来有人说她是大好人，她会觉得很幸福。现在，她觉得我是幸福的，因为对她而言，我是她的大好人。今天和朋友在ICQ聊天，就说到我有时看到一家人带着自己的孩子开开心心的出门好幸福。她反倒说有很多人告诉她我们这种单深贵族的生活才算幸福，因为无忧无虑。

天啊，幸福幸福幸福。
到底什么才是幸福？

每个人对于“幸福”的定义不一样。有些人，要一份天长地久的爱情。有些人，要有权有势。有些人，是一个老婆两辆车三个孩子。或者有份很有前程的工作对一些人来说是幸福的。是能拿出来炫耀，需要努力，很现实生活的幸福。是生日愿望祈求的幸福。

对有些人而言，能凭自己的努力呼吸是幸福的。因为这代表他们还活着。有些人。有份工作能养活一家人已是很幸福的一件事了。或有机会读书已是幸福的，因为还有好多人没机会识字。很渺小，很你所当然，很微不足道的幸福。是容易被遗忘的幸福。

啊，每个人的幸福方程式都还不一样。每个人都对“幸福”附上了很多种影像和条件。不过，那些渺小的幸福，已经不是现代人幸福的定义了。我活在一个“人往高处爬，水往低处流”的城市。每个人的要求多好多，永远停在“再多一些，再好一点”的追求。所以，就算很多人花尽了力气在日常生活里，都不开心不幸福。我们永远离那“幸福”的影像还有一段距离。

我不要做一个永远在追求的人。我不想活完了自己的一生，也不知道“幸福”的味道是什么。我不和幸福作对。我要每天醒来，都知道自己是幸福的。

那，我的幸福方程式是什么呢？

当我收到远方朋友的电邮，我是幸福的。因为，有人肯播出一点时间给我，肯用心了解我。我很开心。

当我听到一首让我感触很多的歌，我是幸福的。因为，是有那么一个人清清楚楚写出了我那时的感触。我很感动。

当我晚上回家有饭吃时，而还是一桌的便饭，我是幸福的。因为我还有一个家，一个肯劳心劳肺地为我们煮饭的妈。我是有口福的。

当我爸在我耳边唠叨时，我是幸福的。因为不论什么事，他还是疼我们的。我不是被遗弃被放弃的。

当我把自己关在房间发呆时，我是幸福的。因为世界那么大那么乱，我还有自己一个小小的空间。我很知足。

当我犹豫不决时，我是幸福的。因为我认同了某些事我得做出决定，我不再用一些很无聊的理由来自我安慰。我不再逃避。

当我痛哭欲绝时，我是幸福的。因为我承认了自己的脆弱，感觉那痛明白那情绪。我开始建造一个更坚定的自己。

当我一个人时，我是幸福的。因为我有机会整理自己的心情，调整自己的心境。我更认清自己，认识自己。

如果你问我，我会觉得想要多点幸福的感觉，就得从最小的细节开始。承认了那一些些的小幸福，在人生这条路，拐个弯后，又会看到另一个幸福。什么事，都可以成为幸福的理由，成为幸福的心境。

这样，我就不再追求。沮丧时也幸福。失望时也幸福。
这样，我一定幸福。

A proper closure

刚才随眼望了一下日历。啊，今天11号了。

11号，曾经是个很特别的日子。

曾经，每个月的11号代表了我和他。虽然两人很不同，不过还是能在一起。开心或不开心，我们都还是很期待11号的到来。可人算不如天算，在某个11月的11号，也变成了我最伤心的一天。

阔别了这么多个11号，也没对那些11号有什么特别的感觉。今天，随眼一看，也没大喜大悲。就是在盘算，到底几个11号过去了呢？有19个了。19个11号，做为我成长，成熟的见证。

自从我知道他回国了以后，我就在想我该不该约他出来，见个面。可另一方面，我又觉得就连他回来也没通知我，是不是代表我不该去打扰他。我不是想再续前缘。我和他，就连“半身缘”也未必谈得上。有时，我会觉得我们也没好好的结束过。就是在那泪水和埋怨结束的。那，既然现在一切都平服平静了，是不是该圆圆满满，好好儿见个面。就当作我为自己心里做个proper closure.

在毫无怨恨，毫无期待，毫无请求的情况下，带着微笑，好好儿的吃一顿饭。

这可能吗？
我可以吗？

Another blog ...

Against all normal allergics to commitments, I set up another blog. This time, meant for my own mindless ramblings and ranting. This blog reflects the more serious and mature side of me, and my own mindless dimension at times does not seem quite suitable in this blog.

Consider a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde stint. We all have divided self. I am not avoiding it.

By doing so, I just hope to give myself a sense of my character and personality. Perhaps help me see the lighter side of life at times, and the required essence of maturity when needed.

我未必是别人的一百分。。。

今天和一位5，6年没见面的朋友吃饭。就很自然的提到以前上学的一些事。被他拿出来讲的，就是以前“很多男生追求”的往事。天啊，都是7，8年的事了。过后他就很直接的说：“我才不相信你现在没人追。一定是你条件高”。

是吗？

每个人在寻找自己的另一伴时，只是在乎他是不是我们心目中的100分。常常忘了自己符合别人的要求吗。

就算有一个100分的男生出现，也不一定会有结果。
因为，我未必是别人心目中的100分。

生命里的拉拉队

上个礼拜，我的心情不是很好。是有点沮丧，有点无助的。可兴的是，有一首歌。就一首歌，在我徘徊时，提醒着我，让我有那力量从新整理自己的情绪。是啊，《最初的梦想》。

现在，心也没那么沉重了，人也比较轻松了。

这一路走来，其实我没期待有人会明白这一切的心情和挣扎。所以，是孤单的，我知道。反正也习惯了。心灵是自己的，情绪是自己的。当然所有的一切，我自己承受。

不过，人生总是有带有惊喜的。当你觉得一切是自己的时，会有那么一两个人跑出来，用他们自己的方式告诉你他们是明白的。或许不一定完全明白，不过还是证明了，你不是一个人承受的。

前几天，有一个朋友寄了一首歌给我。就很简单的一段字“Thought you may like this”. 就这样。我听完了歌，有点震撼。震撼因为我怎么会在这种心情，这种时候，收到朋友的这么一首歌？她怎么知道我那时是需要一点鼓励，一点力量。世界上有巧合吗？会有那么巧？她在我觉得我没人明白的时候，就把这么一首歌拿了出来，推翻了打乱了我的思绪。

Title – Breathe Again
“Have you wondered how it feels when it is all over
Wondered how it feels when you have to start anew
Never knowing where you are going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

I just wanna breathe again
Rather face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little
Cry a little, live a little more

I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I will breathe again

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go
But life will still move on
With a bit of luck
It’s a brand new start
That might be just worth my way
No need to walk away
Don’t wanna live a life replay

Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn”

鼓励，这首歌，就鼓励。
我告诉她：“You surprised me”.
她问：“Is that a compliment”？
“Of the highest regard”.
真的，my compliments to her of the highest regard.

她或许不会明白那很简单把歌寄给我的举动，对我的震撼和意义。不过，打从我心底，我很感谢她把这歌寄给我。

生命里, 很多人都会是过客。什么样的人能在我生活里扮演角色？我不知道。不过我知道相信我和我的选择的人是我生活里的拉拉队。当我忘记这时，朋友们会用自己的方式提醒我。虽然这一路是我自己在和自己赛跑，不过我是有自己的拉拉队的。这些朋友未必能帮上什么，不过你知道这些拉拉队的存在，还是一件很庆幸的事。

给朋友：我知道有时我显得有点“大小姐”，有点“神经质”。或许也可以说我可能活在我自己的世界。我知道有些也可能怀疑我的一些思想和抉择。不过，谢谢你们肯毫不犹豫的站在我身后。或许我显得很有自信，其实不是。事实上，你们相信我，对我的信心，胜过我对自己的信心。所以，谢谢你们肯做我的拉拉队。无论我以后的结果如何，这份相信和信心，我会记得的。

Solitude or Loneliness

Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone, while solitude expresses the joy and glory of being alone.

I am not quite sure if I am at a stage when I feel lonely or am I still enjoying my occassional periods of solitude. More often than not, I enjoy the time when I go about my own business and not being disturbed. I do not feel the need to butt my head into other people's business unless they specifically come up to me with a problem, and likewise I do not like people poking their nose into my issues until I approach them with it. But, there are disturbing moments when I start pondering on the pain of being a single entity instead of its joy. These few moments are not enough to bring my mood down permanently. However it is something I do have to re-examine before it grows to become an issue with me, isn't it.

一个人，有容易的一面，也有麻烦的一面。其实说到底，是一种矛盾的心理状态。

最近在看一本书，里头有一句话我觉得很对。
“一个人总要面对一个人的问题”。
孤单也好，寂寞也好。问题还是自己一个人的。别人不能帮你，他们只能暂时引开你的注意力，可他们不会把问题带走。

Since I choose to ponder on my own issues alone, I should face them alone without too many distractions. Together with any self-awareness and additional issues that being a single entity brings along.

还是来不及

做人，有时很辛苦。
想做自己想的事，更难。
有时就连自己想怎样，我自己也搞不清楚。
有时觉得自己很自找烦恼，可我不这么做，我会觉得自己很敷衍的过日子。
什么样的人生才算没白活？
什么样的生活才算有意义？
我知道这些答案得自己找，可有时我好累。

为什么有时我听到了呼唤？
有时，却什么提示都没有了？
是我自己的神经错觉吗？
为什么我们不能像候鸟，永远知道什么时候该飞翔了，朝什么方向飞？

我不喜欢这种迷惘的感觉。
我很怕。

我怕，其实花了时间和精力，我还是什么都不懂。

我怕，我会一直走错。到最后，还是来不及。

Online test ....

1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.

4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner is one that you care not only about the present but also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship that you can grow with.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything wrong after marriage.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.

Hmm, a simple choose-and-click can reveal all these?

Why dun you try it here at this site: http://naucon.net/misc/tests/love_test01.htm

Is it just me or does the test seem to suggest that I have a very "idealistic" view of love, relationship and marriage? If this is really my attitude towards love, then hmm, I am really worried that I would be disappointed in real life ...

错过可惜....

我在想我是不是变得胆小了，变了不敢面对失望。或许，这些日子呆在家里把我变成胆小如鼠，只想窝在自己的世界而不想再去活在真正的世界。最近随便翻报纸时，看到一份工作挺有意思的，对它有了点兴趣。

实话说，以一个不在工作的人来说，看到一份有兴趣的工作应该是很庆幸的一件事。我看着这广告，有点矛盾。

一方面，我觉得这份工作一直是我想从事的。和以前那份工作很不同，发展的方向和未来的期望也是不一样的。又有点那种15岁对自己事业的兴奋感冒出来。可另一方面，我很怕期望越高，失望越大。搞不好，我根本是没有希望的。是我自己在做白日梦。所以一直在跟自己说“你又想回到打拼的日子吗？好不容易才离开的，现在休息，不是很好吗？”一直在想这些自我安慰的话。其实只是在隐瞒自己怕失望的心态。我知道自己一把那求职信寄出，我就会在那期待着，等待着。而最后，迎面而来的是失望。

所以，我只是一直看着那广告。很可笑啊。看了，可又不敢行动。

因为我怕失望。

刚才我又在发呆。想了许多。其实，失望是人生毕竟的事，重要的是我是否能从失望中再从头开始。别人要不要请我，是我无法掌控的。一切，我只能尽力而为。尽力了，为自己，我就应该没什么好后悔了。不是吗？可假如我连尝试的机会都不给自己，那我不是一定输定了。虽然不会失望，可是连一点希望都没有了。

我说过：

《可人因梦而伟大。
人生因尝试而精彩。
明天因渴望而值得期待。》

三月自己说的话，不可能到了六月就把它给忘了。

我想，我是应该尝试的。

哪怕是失望，至少对自己有个交待。

因为错过可惜。

The state of my table right now .. and it's only half the table. My mom doesn't even know what to make out of my mess .. heh, and it gets worse by the day... phew .... 

Another Lawyer ... in the making

Aiyah, what do you know! Another lawyer in the family, in the making! Cool, it beats having 2 accounting students at home. Hmm, so proud of my 2 sisters ... ;o)

状态啊, 一切都是状态

脆弱与坚定
孤单与习惯
失望与渴望
现实与梦想
迷惑与清晰
想要与需要
胆怯与勇敢
黑白与彩色
泪水与美丽

这是最坏的状态
也是最好的状态

这就是人生啊

Putting things into perspective ... SMILE!

Saw a sentence that just stopped me in my run-of-the-mill activities, re-read it and smile ... ;o)

Tragedy is when you cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into a open sewer and die.

Tells a lot of putting things into perspectives, huh.
What a joker... hah!