It has been another week. Another week at work, another week of trying to catch enough sleep, another week of me trying to figure out my life.

Another week closer to my “supposed” date of resignation from the firm.

And like all people, the nearer I am to the DAY (which brings forth immeasurable amount of uncertainty), the less certain I am of my choice. I am starting to wonder on my wisdom of my choices; on whether Feb is too early; on whether I am just being spoiled as usual; on whether I really know what I hope to achieve from resigning from the firm. Afterall, I could have a pretty good career with the firm.

Like all humans, I have to deal with fear. Fear of the unknown and uncertainty of life.

So what would happen after I leave the firm and become one of the statistics of “unemployed”? Do I really know what I am doing?

So what will I be doing after leaving the firm? I am starting to wonder if I will be able to keep myself occupied and not be bored with myself and life in general.

What can I do? I need to make a list here so I can keep my mind working even after I stopped working in the “economic” sense….

1. Sleep
2. Read
3. Play golf
4. Exercise
5. Read about personal finance and all that I always wanted myself to find out about shares and stocks but never had the time. Learn how to make my money make more money so I can be financially independent.
6. Learn to cook
7. Pick up a new skill? Maybe dancing or calligraphy or something!
8. Travel – I have always wanted to spend extended period away from home, preferably at least once on my own. I need to leave my comfort zone and see what stuff I am made of. Place to travel include watching golf in States; visiting NYC in autumn; visiting Haochang in Shanghai; going to Beijing; visiting Japan when the leaves are changing colours; going back to Europe and visit the cultural areas in winter; watching the Australian Open in Australia etc. So many places and things to do … need all the time and money I can gather!
9. Meet up with friends more often – but then again, they may not have the time to meet up with me since everyone is working…
10. Most importantly, enjoy my own company and learn more about my own emotional state of mind. I need to find myself, make myself or whatever you it!
11. At the end of the day, perhaps to figure out what sort of existence should I attempt to live so I would not look back with regrets when I’m 35 next time.

Would all this be enough to stop me from getting bored when I stop work? Afterall I have worked for 2 and a half years and it would be hard to get used to the loss of responsibilities and the idea of having nothing important to do. Heh, humans are such creatures of irony. I crave for leisure when I’m bogged down with work. And when I am approaching the possibility of total leisure, I’m starting to worry whether I would bored myself to death.

But I guess this is normal. We are all creatures of routine. And without a job to maintain the routine, I will need to create some routine in my own life.

Perhaps this is what it is all about – Routine.

Perhaps I detest my current routine in my life right now. The way the routine snaps me of my sleep and rest and dulls my mind and soul. The way this routine seeps away whatever little passion I have left for living my life. The way this routine makes me go about my life everyday – tired and lifeless. Whatever happened to energy and enjoying what you do? Whatever happened to passions and responsibility to live happily for yourself?

I know some people must have thought of me as crazy. What about social and financial responsibilities? What about being productive in the society? This has got to be one spoiled brat here.

No, I’m not being a brat here. I know about financial responsibilities, etc. But I am at a stage now when I do not have any financial commitments yet, nor do I have a family to feed for the time being. Which is very important for me that I do this now! That I satisfy this craving to try out another alternative lifestyle. I’m ageing by the second and I need to take the plunge now while I still can. I really do not want to look back 10 years later and wonder if I could be living another sort of routine in my life.

Whatever happens, will happen. I owe it to myself to at least try to be happier at living my life.

Life is now a deadening routine. I need a new one.

The potential that it could bring is worth this risk, is it not?

前几天，我打了一封挺直率的电邮给一位朋友。算是朋友吗？我也不太清楚。也许打了这封电邮以后，就不是朋友了。现在回想起来，或许我说话不够婉转太直了。可我也不太懂如何用另一种方式表达自己的想法，虽然我知道直率有时很容易得罪人。

有时觉得长大了，反而在交朋友时会有所保留。也不知道为什么？是不是会比较神秘所以会有一点优越感？还是比较担心别人对你的想法？还是有所保留其实是保护自己的一种方法？ 也许觉得世界和感情很危险，有所保留是不把心掏出来以免会受到伤害？

我不知道，我也不想华太多时间来考虑这。

长大了，身边的朋友疏远的疏远；结婚的结婚；思想和人生观不一样的也越来越多。所以觉得现在还在身边的朋友很珍贵，能坦然交往的更难得。

我想假如有缘认识而竟谈得来，就该坦诚相对。能在思想上交流，比什么都可贵。

过年总少不了见亲戚拿红包。而成年到了20出岁，随着红包一定是那百万块的问题：你几时结婚啊？天啊，除了强颜欢笑的回答“我还年轻，不急”以外，还能说什么？

找到自己的如意郎君是每个少女心里最公开的秘密，不说大家也该都知道吧。可我八字不见一撇，我还在磨墨呢！就算我身边以有个“还可以”的男朋友，我也真的不急着结婚。3，4年前，我总是觉得23/24岁能结婚应该会是蛮幸福的一件事。虽然我至今还是觉得如此，不过现在也知道我的人生并非是这样的收场。

我拥有过那幸福的希望。我也亲手把那希望给弄丢了。是缘分已尽或者有始至终是个错误已不再重要了。幸运的是我从失去活成面对获得。

现在我倒体会到“女人最怕嫁错郎”的意思。

我深信我必须了解自己对生活的要求先，才能比较踏实的再和其他人交往。我想精神和情绪上的伴侣才能算是最亲密的爱人吧？假如一开始我只要求生活上的伴侣，会不会对不起自己？

But the irony of life …..

有时越了解自己，越觉得遇见亲密爱人的可能性好低。也许世界上并无此人，也许只在自己的梦境才会有这个人。是要求过高与否，谁知？不过，人生不就是这样吗？What should you settle for? What do you settle for?

有时觉得活着简直是在玩电子游戏。你永远不会知道自己的决定是对或错，直到游戏的结束。不同的是这个游戏不得你不玩，而且没有restart button. Game over 就是Game Over.

不止爱情，生命里许多的决定都是如此的矛盾。

ahh! It's the first day of our Lunar New Year today! Last night on the eve, I welcomed home a new member of our family. She's called "Xiaoping" .... She's 40 days old, whines a lot and she's a fur-ball ;o)

Yupz.... We have a little puppy at home now!
(I would love to post a photo here. Just as soon as I get it uploaded, I'll post a link here)

Originally I thought I would have a good rest last night. How wrong! I neglected that puppies are generally insecure when they just arrive at a new place. We left her at her little area to sleep at night. For the half hr when we were observing her, she seem pretty alright on her own. So my sister and me decided to just leave her alone to sleep while we retire to our own rooms.

Lo and behold, Xiaoping started whining at 330am. Talk about 凌晨3点. We both scrambled up at the same time *surprisingly*. Amazingly Xiaoping stopped whining as soon as she was out of her fenced area and in our arms. We figured she just didn't feel secure sleeping on her own in unfamiliar territory. So she had to sleep with either one of us.

She ended up in my room at 4am.

All I can say is, for the first time in my life, I had to cover a puppy with a blanket; checked that she doesn't feel cold; leave a light on so she can spot me on my bed. It was an interesting experience, but it most certainly does not leave me with a lot of time to sleep. Not when she decided she was hungry at 6am and decided to start whining again!

For the rest of the day, she would just whine as much if you leave her in her fenced area, unless she's snoozed for a while. She would prefer to just sleep by your feet, even if you are reading the papers. I guess it makes her feel secure in a way.

I feel like a mother now, with a puppy at home ;o)

It should make for a very interesting monkey year in 2004!

今天我看见了一句话 --“我喜欢跟有智慧的人交往”。我愣了一会儿。我一时也不知道该有什么样的回应。

何谓智慧？什么才称得上是有智慧的人？就算翻字典，也许也找不出对于《智慧》让每个人满意的解释。是《小聪明》吗？或是IQ高于过人? 又或者是指一个经历了许多事的人才能用《智慧》来形容他？

智慧的定义到底是什么？

不过不论任何解释，《智慧》应该不会是用在我身上的一个形容词。所以看到了这句话，我不知是否然该让对方明白这一点，以免让人失望。说到底，我也只不过是个平凡的女生。说聪明，我谈不上聪明。我只是不傻。我得意过，我也失望过。我幸福过，我也伤心过。我付出过，我也失败过。一切的一切，其实我只想自己开心。而在这过程，我只是偶尔深思过，捉摸着自己的日子和情绪。

这样的过程很另类吗？为何会有同事用 “intellectual” 来形容我？智慧？奇怪。是我真奇特，还是身边的人都只懂得为周围的事烦恼而忘了如何思考自己的经历？所以一旦碰上这样的人，就觉得他很“intellectual”？

或许我又想太多了。应该是累了，该睡了。

女人的世界好小，永远离不开《感情》这两个字。

最近一个好朋友似乎又被《感情》缠上了。或许也不是最近，那纠缠着的感情或许从没离开过。只不过平息了一会儿，而又涌上来了。

自己的朋友处在这种情况，有很矛盾的感触。一方面，我替她开心。那感情的高与低，爱与恨，我很肯定这一年来她都经历了，苦与甜也深深地刻在心中。这也算是没白活了吧，人生记忆里有着一段回忆偶尔想起了会微笑。

只不过，我了解假如要无怨无恨地回忆一段感情，需原谅和宽容。这样才可珍惜美好的经历，不沮丧，开心的活着。这过程很苦，很难。我不知道她到底在这过程的那一个阶段。我担心，可我没办法。我只能在她需要我的时候陪着她。

我知道女人追求爱情的时候是最美最勇敢的。一段感情是没有对与错，任何人也没有资格判断与否。感情是很私人的一件事，因为我们不在其中也无法体会那情有多侬爱有多深。对于感情，我最不喜欢的就是有人跟我说“我懂”。你又不是我，你到底懂什么？

同样的，我也不是她。我不懂。我不了解她很多的选择；不明白她很多的想法或安慰自己的借口。不过我感受到了她的无奈，她的苦，她的任性，她的爱与恨。

我很希望她能开心幸福。

我相信女人是可以在心碎沮丧中再站起来，收拾了自己的心情而让自己更美更动人。虽然我也知道到了那么一天，她也许也不再需要我了，不过我还是盼着那一天的到来。

A friend for a reason, a season or a lifetime?
I’m not sure of the answer, but at least our paths did cross. And for as long as she needs me, I guess I will be around.

有点困了，不过就是想先写些什么，才甘愿去睡。其实心里今天也没主题，也不知道该写什么。想必又要语无伦次了吧！

“退一步海阔天空”

今天我在某个forum 留了这句话。

需要偶尔提醒自己 - 人必须在必要的时候退一步，喘一口气，让心情平静下来。平静了才能理智地勇敢地面对自己的生活。

要记得对自己好一点！

Today I had lunch with 2 close colleagues, and during that lunch I announced my intention to resign from the job half a year earlier than I originally intended to. Their reaction was one full of surprise, not the positive surprise I had envisaged, but not negative either. I was met with "whys" and "what about your CPA?" In fact, their common stand was that since I'll be finishing the peak, I might as well just stay for that half a year more and get my CPA.

Perhaps.

That was my thinking in 2003.

I do not deny that for a brief while, I felt foolish in front of them for even thinking of resigning only after I have finished my peak. But now that I'm alone and quiet, I need to sit down, think it through carefully again, write it down and assure myself that my decision (as it is standing now) is not the least foolish or silly.

A CPA is only good professionally if I want to be an accountant in the future. But I do not have that intent at all. Between an auditor and an accountant, I would rather be an auditor. If my current desires do not even include being an auditor, why should I settle for a "title" that holds no future for me. It does not bring me any happiness when I tell myself that I hold a CPA, and neither does it bring any joy to anyone else except for the purpose of "showoff-ing". I see no good reason to convince myself that I need a CPA even.

My previous justification for obtaining my CPA was just one big fat lousy excuse to stay in my little miserable hole and postpone any decisions. In a way, perhaps buy myself some time. But at the beginning of 2004, I promised myself courage and guts. That was my New Year resolution. I do not need to justify my existence to my family or whoever whatsoever. It is my life.

If so, why am I staying for the audit peak? I am in this position where I am because of my dreams since I was 15. I am not an auditor by accident or by chance. I put myself in this current situation. I dropped triple science and went forth with commence in JC although all my classmates and teachers thought I was crazy. I had always imagined myself to be a successful businesswoman or professional executive since that age. I am there right now, at the gate, heading towards that right direction. I already know how the rest of my 10 years ahead of me would turn out if I stay in as an auditor. I know exactly the milestones and steps.

But it's just that my desires right now vs when I was 15 varies quite a bit. The wants and needs are different, which explains why I wish to head off in an entirely different direction. However before I head off in that different direction, I want to finish the peak as it is. In a way I'm paying tribute to my own dreams which began 10 years ago. I want to be able to tell myself when I'm older and wiser, "15 year-old fantasy - Be a professional. Check! Been there, done that."

I just want to be responsible to my desires and dreams. No doubt that I wanted to leave way earlier, even about 2 years ago. Back then I wanted to go because I dislike being an auditor. I would accept anything as long as it's not auditing, but still in the corporate world. In a way, I was being "ren xing". I just wanted out even though I still hold the dreams of being a successful executive.

Right now it's an entirely different ballgame. The job is no longer the repelling factor. In fact, I could always stay, no big deal. I was told (by more than 1 person) that my personality suits the demanding lifestyle of an auditor. If so, why do I still want to go?

Life is often a series of trade-offs, a cycle of experiences and we are constantly defining ourselves by the decisions that we make. I commit my time and effort to my work as an auditor for the past 2 years. I worked hard, I tried and I really did. But I feel myself getting restless and empty. I wondered out loud repeatedly "there must be more to life than just sleep, work & sleep again." I began to feel trapped. I began to wonder exactly what does it mean to live my life. I do not want to commit my time and effort to an activity just because it carries a lot of prestige in other people's opinion or because it earns me more money. And most importantly, I do not want to constantly justify to myself why I am staying put in this profession or this career when I do not care the least bit for the results it provides. It felt like a losing battle.

There are already armies of people who lead live of quiet despondency everyday. They are unfilled, unhappy and uncertain of their lives. I want no part of this. Sometimes walking amongst them, I would smile wryly and think "the land of the living dead".

I do not want to have my eye on the wrong prize in my life. The thing about the rat race in today's society is even if you win the race, you are still nothing but a rat. I do not want to put myself in the regrettable position of not daring to change because of the financial security it offers or because of other people's opinion of what a successful life should be.

Often, what most modern being in the street defines as a successful life consists of only a few components - career; money, the size of your car and the district you stay in.

I firmly believe if I live by that definition, I have my eye on the wrong prize. I do not want to define my self-worth by my job. A job is nothing more than an economic transaction in the modern society. I am only part of a commercial transaction and I will only be valued by my contribution and nothing else. It does not matter whether I'm loyal, happy or committed. I trust firmly that life embodies much more than the amount of wealth that one accumulates. Call it blind trust but I am sure it includes elements like friends, health, family, happiness, inner peace and balance. I want to smile more, laugh more, bask in sunshine, appreciate the rain, enjoy the wind. I want to be kind, funny, appreciated, empathetic, wiser, non-judgmental and patient. The exact soft elements that the society neglect in their rush to amplify status, money & prestige.

I know deep down inside me that life will just become a deadening routine if I continue on the path I am currently on. A life chained to routine and fear, killing all other hopes, dreams and desires. Then I'll be counting down to my retirement age, none the wiser with different life experiences and none the happier with my decisions in life. I do not wish to ponder wistfully in my old age, wondering "what-if" or how different my life would have been.

This realization and knowledge of life makes it critical that I carry some courage and act on my decision at this point in my life. I need to have some faith in my own beliefs, against other people's opinion and insecurities. If I cannot even convince myself to be brave and act on my decision at this stage of my life, at this age, when many "considerations" are actually not a big deal, I can probably never convince myself in the future when I'm older and more resistant to changes.

I admit right now I am not sure what I hope to achieve by going off in another direction. Everything is still in a fog. But I hope that by taking some time off, the fog may clear. I want to stop rushing with my life. Where the hell am I rushing to anyway? I want to give myself the time and chance to consider and evaluate the factors that are important in my life, and check how I can ensure I can live my life with as little regrets as possible. It is not always about money, it is not always about a career. It is about my life. So do not ask me what I want to do. Ask me how I want to live my life. My grave will not read "here lies a lady with a hell lot of money", or "here lies a lady with a glorious career". I want it to read "here lies a lady loved and appreciated by many".

I may never achieve what I hope to achieve. There are risks and there may be losses. There will be ups and downs and I'm sure there will be days when I will look back and ponder on the wisdom of my decisions. There will be insecurities and there will be doubts. But I want to try and I want to be able to look back in the years to come and smile with the knowledge that I did try, no matter the outcome but still grateful for the experiences.

Life is about experiences, but experiences will never come if one just sits in his original position and wait. You need to decide what sort of experiences you want and seek them out and take the plunge, if necessary. Life will not change just by thinking about it. Thoughts at the end of the day are just simply fleeting thoughts. There is only one thin line between thoughts, dreams and reality, and that is courage and some faith.

For the people reading this, call me crazy, or call me a spoilt rich brat. Whatever. But I know what I am chasing after, and it is not the life of a bummer as what many people thought. I just want to give myself a chance for a different lifestyle, a balanced life. For richer or poorer; for certainty or uncertainty; for fulfillment or un-fulfillment; but definitely for happier state of mind without regrets.

I do not imagine that you would understand, however I do hope you would not judge. After all I do not judge your life, and I do not tell you how to live your life.

I'm not writing all these down to prove anything to anyone. I see no need and no point. It is solely my life after all. But writing all these down makes me feel more grounded, and acts as a record to my own thoughts at this stage in my life.

Recently there is a phase which I picked up from my sister. Simply - let's do it.

It suggests guts and taking responsibilities for your own choices instead of waiting for someone to make the decision for you.

I like that.

Sometimes a little flattery from someone would throw a spanner into your "intended plans".

Today the manager I was working for suddenly turned and asked me "Do you want to do China subs?"

I was stunned for a moment. So I quickly asked "What do you mean?"

She replied and said "I want to book you to do my China subs next year for this group."

I was extremely flattered. I had worked for this manager for just about 2 days, because of the tight deadline, the entire audit was a big rush. And I would hardly have thought of impressing anyone during these 2 days. My main concern was just to get the work done and stay out of trouble.

And here there was, someone wanting to book my time one year ahead to go to China and audit the companies there. And typically China bookings are pretty tough jobs to do, with a lot of reliance placed on the senior-in-charge there since the manager would not be based there. What have I done to deserve such implicit trust in my work after only 2 days?

我到底何得何能？

Then guilt hit me, for my wanting to quit from the job. I feel ashamed that I'm all ready to throw in the towel when someone has such faith in the work I performed. But does that mean I have to give up one more year of my life to the firm? Or should I just be glad for the faith that someone once placed in me and carry that gladness in my heart as I search for my own life experiences?

这种感觉只能这么形容：
“它牵动了你的心，可又遮住了你的眼睛。你不知道你会到哪儿，也不知道过程将会是怎样。有点害怕却也有点兴奋。”

我想我真的有点疯了，算不算走火入魔？;o)

All these time and with all these blogs, it's easy to conclude that I'm having some issues with "what shall I do with my life", the purpose of my existence here, and also finally what really makes me tick, what sort of simple pleasures bring me happiness.

There are days when I really wanted some sort of clarity, like a Eureka moment. Then at least I would stop pondering and move on. But yet, a part of me likes the position I'm in now – Standing at a crossroad with paths ahead of me. It suggests infinite possibilities and outcomes. Such a thought really brings a twinkle of joy a dreamer like me. It makes you feel like a kid again; when you could be anyone you want to be!

Sometimes I feel almost foolish for wanting something else in life when others view me to be in a pretty nifty societal position. And the inability to communicate clearly to others what I crave for only adds on to that feeling. How is it possible to translate your dreams, thoughts and desires into words when they are fleeting like clouds? But that exact inability casts doubts in other people's mind. After all, if you do not know what you want, how are you going to move on from here to there? Wouldn't you just become a "wanderer" in life and just waste your time?

But I do not wish to doubt my desire for another lifestyle just because this did not come to me in a loud & booming voice. Instead, it came like a whisper, a whimper. It was so soft so surreal like a dream that you do not know whether to acknowledge it.

Sometimes I would think: “If this is really so important, then you wouldn’t be so torn and conflicted about it. There wouldn’t be so much inner tension. So why don’t you just ignore this and just live your life as it is now. You would still be a corporate executive you always wanted to be and you can still maintain the lifestyle & image you are used to.” There are times when I really felt like that. Then, the whispering and whimpering came again. Not any louder, but still there. I realized I can no longer convince myself of that anymore.

As slight as this urge and desire may be, it is there. This I cannot deny. As much as I would appreciate a clearer view of my desire, deep down I know I need to take some time to nurture this desire before it becomes a vision, a purpose. I have no idea what and how much it would take for this nurturing. But what have I got to lose?

I guess apart from my dignity in front of others, my own insecurities perhaps? For some people, that constitutes their “everything in life”. What is my “everything”? I do not have any answer to that. But I’m sure it does not constitute of just money, other people’s perceptions & a career.

Should I lose all these, but gained some nuggets of life experiences that would turn into pearls of wisdom as I age, would that be worth it?

许多现代人都有一种病，可他们不知道自己有这病。这病叫做 “chronic time shortage.”

就算有人觉得世界有多不公平，有一方面永远是公平的。不论你多聪明或多富有，你一天就只有24小时。不论你是名人或街上的随便一个人，一年还是只有365天，一年还是只由四季。不多也不少，每个人都一样。

可奇怪的是为何有些人永远觉得时间不够，天天赶来赶去，把自己搞到好累好累。有些却似乎能在那24小时做了自己该做的，还有省些时间给自己和身边的人。有些人能在一年完成许多自己想做的事，有些人却一辈子也没完成自己想做的事。

其实我也不知道自己想说些什么，有点对不上答的感觉。可能要点就是这几句话吧？（还是用英文啦，不然我看想到明天都还没想到该用那个词来形容）

Actually life is really a series of tradeoffs and decisions isn’t it? No doubt that some decisions may need some courage and guts to see it through, but at the end of the day it is still your own call in life. You win some, you lose some. No one can really have it all, can we? No matter how victimized we all feel at times, but really if you stare at reality in the face, you’ll realized that half the time we are the ones terrorizing ourselves.

For the majority of people in the world, this is the modern world we are living in where we are really given a personal choice in the way we choose to live our lives.

Why do we allow ourselves to suffer from chronic personal time shortage? Why do we always have to rush off for some sort of activity? It is really just a modern illusion, that we need to always be occupied with activity to be considered “hip & happening” and that “we’ve got it”.

Seriously, what have we gotten by subscribing to such an illusion?

Perhaps that feeling that life is not fulfilling?
Perhaps getting stressed and tired from all that activities？
And with all that stress, we become the uglier and more irritable version of ourselves?
And with all that tiredness, we just get more and more lethargic.
And we failed to live healthier with all that lethargic-ness?
And then we just get overweight and top it up with more and more health problems?

So when finally when things blow up in our face, we became the “victims”. But we failed to realize that we actually brought all these upon ourselves.

或许大家应该为自己找些时间，想想自己现在过的生活是否是社会给的幻觉而不继续带着chronic time shortage 的病。

我知道我又是语无伦次了。有点累，不过还是想先把这乱七八糟的思前想后写下来，不然就会忘了没了。

Not exactly the best end to my day today. It's funny how your day can turn out to be dramatic when all you were hoping for was a quiet evening of television watching and personal time. Instead of peace and quiet, now I'm nursing a headache.

I had to do something very unpleasant just now. Something I dun really enjoy, but I just had to do it. I'm not sure what sort of repercussion this would bring, but right now I guess I'm just grateful for the few moments of peace without having to worry about anything. For the sake of everyone, I had to do it. I hope that by doing this, I'm pushing the relevant people to sit up and start thinking of their lives for themselves.

Why can't they just make a choice, make a decision and stick with it? Why use children as an excuse? Sometimes it's way beyond my comprehension.

Maybe it's for the sake of keeping up appearances? Or maybe there is some need to maintain a "home", no matter how torn and tatter the "home" is in reality?

No, I'm not unhappy or anything. I have been through this before. It's no big deal. I'm just really at my wits end, feeling kind of like a sitting duck. Waiting to see what sort of curve balls that life is going to throw at me again.

Sigh...

我常常会想，人与人的关系好复杂。一位交往多年的朋友会突然很陌生，见了面说了许多客气话蜻蜓点水。却可以把心里的话毫无保留讲给一位刚认识的人，而他竟让你感受到体谅和亲切。

好朋友可以随着时间而变成了简单的普通朋友。而平时不知该聊什么的朋友可以因为某种原因成为知己。有些人天天见面也永远不会亲近。有些朋友可以好长一段时间不见面不沟通，可一见了面却还是感觉如此亲密。

这人于人之间好奇妙。

我想我没必要过于分析，我也没这个兴趣。反正就是想把现在想的事写下来，把现在对人事关系的想法纪录下来。

我想：

“男与女，最珍贵的是感觉。
女与女，最珍贵的是了解。
男与男，这个我无法回答，也没资格回答。”

也许以后想法会改变，不过这就是所谓的成长吧。

其实想要一个不同的人生或经历，需要很多勇气。有时也不懂这种勇气我该去那找。内心的渴望，假如没勇气坚持，那渴望也挺费的，等于空想。

我可以忍受别人的眼神吗？
我可以忍受自己偶尔的疑惑吗？
我可以忍受渴望可能带来的失望吗？

可我不想未来的日子带着“假如”或“如果”过一辈子。我更不希望以后天天想着自己有没有可能过着另一个种人生。

我不能忍受自己根本没勇气去尝试。
我不能忍受把梦想去换别人所谓的天堂。
我不能忍受继续这样过下去而错过了自己。

就算失败失望，至少对自己有个交待。

Today is the beginning of the infamous audit peak that all auditors dread. Today is the first day. And today is also the first time in ages that I actually worked beyond 630pm. I actually left office at 730pm! Arrghhh.... this is one bad lousy omen.

I know, I know ... what you are thinking. This blogger is sure one lazy auditor. Hey, let me set the record straight - I just happen to appreciate life outside work much more than other people, and I happen to believe and act on such beliefs.

Anyway, I'm soooo sleepy now. Should try to turn in soon, if not I'll regret for the rest of the work week which promises to be ridiculously stressful. I was actually hoping to listen to Rene Liu's interview on this whatever Asia-FM via the internet. Then again, it only starts at 11pm and ends at 12am, and sleep is higher on the agenda. No no, as much as I like her voice and all that jazz, no one is really going to benefit from anything if I get grouchy at work this week. She would be none the wiser, and my poor junior at work will suffer if I have a short fuse at work this week.

For once, I'm posting a "complaining" blog. Heh ... ;p

SARS is coming back again ... sigh, I hope it doesn't cause panic like it did in 2003.

Okie, good night to one and all. Hope it's going to be a great work week for all!

"Success comes to those who never give up."

I had this saying on my 2004 calendar. I was staring at it earlier, musing over it. Isn't this such a over-used and over-rated statement, like a few other "ra-ra" motivational statements.

No doubt, I agree that one needs persistence to achieve success. But in our modern society, this statement is used so often that we often failed to consider the ultimate starting point of this statement. This statement will only truly mean something to the receiver if they know deep in their hearts what they are striving for; what they are working towards. What is the point of persisting in something if you have no idea what you are chasing after?

In times of corporate propaganda, our employers and immediate employers will always tell us "How can you give up so easily; how can you be defeated so easily?" And we will blindly just accept their "ra-ra" motivational statement that we should persist and not give up, only then would we achieve success in life.

Ermm....okay. So for the legions of humanity, who Thoreau said lead lives of
quiet desperation - unfulfilled, unhappy and uncertain of what to do, they accept such "ra-ra" motivational statements. They choose to believe that they are the ones who are at fault for not persisting in what they do, just as their corporate employers said.

Stop! Can we please pause for a moment and consider - exactly what are we striving for in life? What does success in life means to us, personally? Rather than follow the definition of what our employers tell us, please stop, think & ponder!

Only when we have defined what success means, will the statement "Success comes to those who never gives up" mean something to our true personal self. Otherwise, it is just another meaningless statement that does not aid in personal development and fulfillment.

我常说“做姐妹，有今生没来世”。我也深深地相信其中。照顾这两个妹妹，我想会是一辈子的事了吧。不过，有时我觉得她俩对我的态度属于“呼之而来，挥之而去”的那类型。也许这种态度是我以前种下的因果。我没有什么可埋怨的，也没打算怨什么。这点，我是认了接收了。反正就是一句“做姐妹，有今生没来世。”

老二说过我表面很冷，个性有点孤僻，使人很难接近更不用说玩在一起。也许吧。从小，我就知道我的语言能力没她们强，脑筋也没转的她们俩快，反正就是比较笨。常常说的写的，都不如她们俩，有时还需要自己的妹妹来教和纠正。她俩的冷笑话，至今我有时还是听不太明白。自己这个好胜的性格真的好难接受这种“不如她们”的感觉。所以从小我学会了“少讲少错”的想法，为了就是减少自己“不如”的感觉。而用霸道来证实自己是”大姐”。这就是因果。

现在长大了，成熟了，也了解自己那“不如”的感觉是我人生路程的一个重担，所以我学会了放下。常常提醒自己我的人生并不会因为我缺的“聪明”而少了任何价值。不过现在什么“学会”或“改变”也于事无补了。大姐的外形早已定了。这怪怪的大姐就是偶尔会说说话，谈谈天。就是这样，没了。

就算我现在很少发脾气，也没有人会注意。就算我沉默，也没人会想是不是发生了什么事。因为这就是她们对我的印象。现在有时吃饭会提到什么人很霸道或野蛮，老二就很快的指着我说“她也就是”。虽然心有点痛有点无奈有点不爽，我也只能默默无语。她们没透视到我心里的改变，我又能怎样呢。

这段姐妹情缘，将会是这样。我认了。

It has been a good day today, feeling great on the 1st day of 2004. I hope this is a good sign of things to come for this year.

I received a New Year greeting from a close friend today, wishing all the best and that I have found/or will find the answer to my quarter-life crisis. I felt assured and comforted; someone understands perhaps? I'm not all that alone in this afterall.

No matter what, I'll seek an answer for myself. I owe myself that at least, regardless of other people's opinion.

Happy new year to one and all.

The New Year will only signify a new beginning if we want it to. Do you want a new beginning or is it better if everything just remains status quo? A new beginning will only come about if we work on it with our actions. A new beginning will not crystallize just by thinking about it. Talk is cheap, action works.

If health is the New Year wish for 2004, then pls work on getting enough rest and have a better lifestyle. If family is the way for you, then spending 24/7 on work ain't going to push you in the right direction. No matter what, act on your New Year wishes, nothing will change if you stay in your original position with your original attitude.

Should things remains status quo for you when we welcome 2005, I hope that you are happy in 2004 then and not feel victimized. Afterall, we are living our lives, standing by our choices.

Merry New Year!