愿你能明白

我就是这样
不想说话，别理我

我就是这样
很多事
想太多，放在心里
折磨自己

你越是管我
我越是叛逆

我的生活
不可能你做主
而后果我来承受
你为什么不能了解

我知道你是为我好
不过请相信我的决定
我不知道这世界的一切
不过我愿意学习
我愿意尝试

我在寻找
我未必找得到
可无论如何
我是能承受自己的选择
愿你能明白

I am such a dork ...

Gasp...I am such a dork! Someone (not on my contact list) sent me an ICQ msg and I happen to have my anti-spam function on, which translate into I didn't get the chance to read the msg. And then I thought I had my "save history" function on, and I could always check on the ICQ UIN later when I am done with my email replies.

Horrors of horrors.. my ICQ is not set to save history. You know what this means? I have no idea who sent me an ICQ msg. I cannot even send a msg back to the person now. DAMN!

Hmmm, okay, if it happens to be someone reading this and you did send me a ICQ today and did not receive any replies from me. Can you please send me another ICQ msg? Pretty please.... I always reply to emails and ICQs. So there is no way that I am ignoring you.

Right, and now I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed...
and it better not be spam

Quarter-life crisis

This is one of the best narration of quarter-life crisis that I have read. Whoever wrote this, you are good. Pls, drop me an email if you wrote this...

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

When I read this, a lump in my throat formed. Yick! My feelings and thoughts are staring right back at me in sentences.

Getting across the hurdles

Dear Journal,

I do not have a story or new thoughts to share now. But I figured that I have some time to waste and wanted to read some blogs of some other people. So I was happily clicking on those on the recently updated list of Blogger.

There was one with a very run-of-the-mill titled blog called “Tales from New York City”. Interesting. I love Manhattan, so I clicked on the link. I read through the entries. It was not a lot, but this is one intriguing blog. There is someone who has the same perspective towards life as me, but she puts it across much more eloquently, more precisely and much more intimately. Her writing is a talent.

Particularly, I like one of her entries. It discusses the overcoming of hurdles.


I leaped over one hurdle and under another... not too shabby! The one I went under was particularly interesting because it was a big hurdle that had been standing in my way for much too long. I kept trying to get over it, and each time fell flat on my face. Ouch. Needless to say, I finally figured out that it's not always necessary to take that leap of faith. Sometimes, not too often but every now and again, it's simply enough to back down and limbo your ass under the hurdle. If you can just keep your groove on, and not fall backward, you'll get through it and stand tall again in no time.

So I have learned that leaps of faith have their place, but they're nothing without a touch of good old fashioned humility to remind us of our endurance when a leap of faith is the only course. In the end, all that really matters is that we get beyond the hurdle, whatever "it" may be. There's another forming on down the road, and don't you want a chance to see it? I do! I love a good challenge.

Ah, yes. How true. To get over hurdles and obstacles, there are many ways. Sometimes you can jump across, if possible. Othertimes, why not just limbo under it. The important thing is to get across and get it out of sight and mind.

I need to ponder on my own hurdles in life.

Maybe I will drop her an email one of these days ... ;o)

我总会到达 ...

偶尔会有一些人，出现时完全霸占了你的注意力。
也有些歌，你听到时候，你会放下你在做的事，完完全全用心去聆听。

最近就有这么一首歌。
不知道为什么，听这首歌时，它彻底的占领了我的心灵。
觉得好贴心。是我最近的心情：形容了我跌跌撞撞，寻找的心情。

别问我未来。我没想，没打算。我只有一个遥远的梦想，一种感觉。
每天都会新的征兆，引导着我。
我唯一能做的就是继续相信。

《如果骄傲没被现实大海冷冷拍下
又怎会懂得 要多努力 才能走到远方
如果梦想不曾坠落悬崖千钧一发
又怎会晓得 执著的人 拥有隐形翅膀

把眼泪种在心上 会开出勇敢的花
可以在疲惫的时光 闭上眼闻到一种芬芳

就像好好睡了一夜直到天亮
又能边走着 边哼着歌 用轻快的步伐

沮丧时 总会明显感到孤独的重量
多渴望懂得的人 给些温暖借个肩膀
很高兴 一路上我们的默契那么长
穿过风 又绕了弯 心还连着 像往常一样

最初的梦想 紧握在手上
最想要去的地方 怎么能在半路就返航
最初的梦想 绝对会到达
实现了真的渴望 才能够算到过了天堂》

对，谁没失望过。一切在自己的手掌。紧握，不能放。
我不能遗忘，不能放弃。将心放在前线，我总会到达幸福的心境。

哭不出来

我好久没哭了。

不知道为什么，我突然很希望自己哭。我有时怀疑自己还有没有能力哭。有时觉得自己的身体麻了，已经不和自己的感情有任何关系了。怎么哭不出来了？天啊。

虽然不哭不笑也能大悲大喜，不过我不想自己是如此。我希望自己是很“放”的生活着。沮丧伤心时，最好的治疗方法就是放声去哭。承认自己的脆弱，让泪水洗自己的心灵。长出更灿烂的花，让自己更美。为自己的情绪写下终点，然后一切重新开始。我觉得这是对自己感情处理最好得很方法。不论多伤心，总会有那么一天你决定不哭了。那也就是你决定从新开始的时候。

可现在连哭都哭不出，为什么？不是我不再沮丧或伤心了，偶尔还是会如此。可我就是默默的感觉，一个人坐在那。可就是丝毫没有泪水，连泪光都没有。我是不是太压抑了？怎么宁愿承受一切的情感，也不愿对它有任何反应。干吗整天跟自己说“行了，没什么大不了，看开点”。

常常觉得自己很累。不管睡多少，都还是很累。有点麻麻的过日子。我不喜欢这种感觉。表面上没大喜大悲，可一切都看在眼里，放在心上。泪水可以洗干净自己的心灵，我却哭不出。

我只是想每天像睡了一夜到天亮，开开心心，以一种很健康的心灵面对一切。承受我能的，不能的就让泪水洗掉。这很难吗？为什么我做不到？

我宁愿我自己任性流泪，也不愿压抑地过。

任性流泪时，至少我知道我是活着的，而明天总会更好。

好累。很想现在去洗个澡，把灯关掉，躺在床上发呆。不过，不可能！现实是我得去出席喜宴，穿的美美，强颜欢笑好像很想去的样子。好假，我没得选。一个我从来没见面的亲戚结婚。他也好奇怪，平时也不见面不就各自过自己的生活。干吗现在结婚又好像很亲的样子，硬要我们出席。多我们这些晚辈，不多。少一个，也不少。真是的。

好了，我得去准备了。 :o(

我妹妹是律师

明天我妹妹就正式是律师了。

我以她为荣。

刚才看她是试穿律师袍时，有种莫名的骄傲。虽然看起来有点大，不过还带有一点儿那律师的风范。我妹妹是律师，我想是我们长大时候从没想过的事。现在将成为事实了，好不可思议。我不嫉妒她是我家的骄傲，她从小就是。因为这是我永远也不可能完成的事，不过她做到了。

还跟她开玩笑，说这次真的光宗耀祖了。不过，是真的。真的光宗耀祖了，我们家出了一位律师。谁会想过，不是文雅家庭出生的，竟会出了个律师。

明天她的宣誓仪式，我是很想去。不过，这种事应该留给爸妈。假如我这个做姐的都如此的骄傲了，更不用说他们两老了。

虽说做律师不代表一定幸福，不过她苦读了这么多年。这是她应得的光荣。

我妹妹是律师。

我以她为荣。

The shopper lurks ...

The Great Singapore Sale is upon us again. Today's morning papers are accompanied by a thick sub-copy of all the fantastic deals and bargains that all those very merchants have arranged for us normal folks. Some of the advertisements screams 70% off. Oh my, and Polo Ralph is having their season sale; and so is Hugo; so what do you know, so is Sisley. My my my ... even the normal run of the mill G2000 is engaging in the action with 50% sale.

Gosh, they are just appearing as "BUY ME". Ohhhhhh..... just looking through all the advertisements make my heart sing bright and early in the morning. It's the "eyes-narrowed, brain churning look". Yes, I know, the shopper in me is just lurking around the corner and just waiting to burst out.

BUY BUY BUY...BEST DEAL OF THE YEAR!!

Pity LV does not do sale. Hmm ... I wonder if GUCCI is having a sale. Gotta check it out. Oppz...I still have some Robinson vouchers. Perhaps I can get more bang for those vouchers during the GSS huh.

Let's see, I do not need work attire anymore. But that means I need more casual clothes? Hmm, my mom will kill me if I trot home with more pants. Ahh, how about jeans? Hmm, should I be checking into deals for shoes? Sneakers are a nice addition. Love those Baileys and what they do with their feminine designs. How about a new casual bag? Have not purchased one for the longest of time. No, of coz I cannot use those that I used for work previously. Are you kidding me? Of course, I can always change my mobile. This current mobile is driving me nuts with its buttons. Nokia has this nice new model out. Hmm, that would mean additional dosh of $500+ assuming I trade in my current phone.

YICKS! Why didn't I think of that? How about a new wallet? Ah yes, to accommodate all those new credit cards. Haha, can you believe that my bank just sent my a new credit card, pre-approved blah blah blah for their valued customer. It just means they like the speed which I am swiping my cards. Speaking of credit cards, I just received today a notification from my bank that I am actually their privileged customer for some priority banking. And this is the best part, they are actually going to send me some platinum card. Gosh, I should tell my banker when he calls that I am actually UNEMPLOYED now. That ought to make his jaw drop and perhaps withdraw all offers and contact with me... haha! So much for priority banking. I do not need any platinum card, but it would be nice if they can just waive my annual fees for all my credit cards. I do spend aplenty on using those cards *thinking wistfully*, perhaps just a little too much.

Ahhh, that new mobile just looks so nice. 60% of me just wants to call up that shop and tell them to hold the phone for me. 40% of me is thinking in dollars and cents. Why do you want to spend $500 and get another new phone when you current one is quite fine except for its crankiness at times. Let thee count the ways. It is new; it has all those technology bells and whistles like bluetooth, camera etc (which by the way I would not really use); my Samsung now is still worth $200, so if I trade in now, it will only by $0.56 a day of use; whatever happened to emotional gratification of purchasing?!

Sigh.... just look at all the decisions that a lady has to make at times.

Heh, this is the irrational shopper in me who happens to be let out every year during the GSS period. So just bear with me, but as a certain male friend of mine would say "Dun use GSS as a reason. You are just a female shopper like any other on the streets. You just happen to camouflage her very well"

Hahah, if you please..whatever ..

Positively Somewhere

Positively Somewhere

I'm here going nowhere
And that's how I want it to stay
Nobody beside me
And I wouldn't want it any other way

I've tried to be someone
Somebody they want me to be
I'm back in my own skin now
And I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm positively somewhere
I'm absolutely right now
Here inside of me
I'm who I wanna be
It's a beautiful day
I'm falling down the freeway
Definately sunshine
The state of mind I'm in
Like the feeling when you win
It's a beautiful day

Too long I've been searching
For something that I'll never find
But that's all behind me now
And I wouldn't want it any other way
I wouldn't want it any other way

It's a beautiful day
(Beautiful day)
I wouldn't want it any other way
I wouldn't want it any other way

State of mind I'm in
Like the feeling when you win
It's a beautiful day

And this is the theme song of my life right now. Do you have a theme song in your life? I often do, at varying stages of my life. And ah, it is these exact songs I turn to when I feel down, or when I need some assurances in my own choices and life. To all those people who write lyrics … you rock!

How does one sum it all so nicely with a couple of words? Okay, maybe a couple of words is over exaggerating a little. But you have to agree that these songwriters capture the mood and feel of the emotions. It echoes our thoughts and feelings.

Hands up to those who know a certain love song that speaks of the heartache, or another which gives thanks to the joy of couple hood. There! Everyone will have their own songs in life, and probably different songs in different stages of life as well.

And right now, the theme song in my life as a bummer – Positively Somewhere by Mel C.

You know what; it is all in the mind.
It is a beautiful day.

It's going to rain again ... I likes it when it rains. I like the way the sky turns dark .. I like the way it gets crowded with storm clouds .. I like the way it covers over the sun .. I like the way the sun rays still manage to shine through .. like a broken sky.
Posted by Hello

我家的一幅画。很喜欢这画，有点童话，好像我的梦幻世界。突然好想回Barcelona去吃西班牙海鲜饭。
Posted by Hello

好可贵

今天是个很平静的一天。心情很好。很心平气和的坐在厅里看书。一旁有我家的小狗在睡觉，另一旁有一杯可乐。我看书看到一半时，抬了头想看一下时间。有趣的是虽然那钟正面的对象我，可我看不到时间。就刚好那角度被一台风扇挡住了。我想：看不到就看不到。反正我正在享受这看书的好心情。管它现在几点。

静静的一个下午，当整个世界在忙时，我竟在家看书。休息时，就发呆。

或许因为前两天，心又毛又杂，所以觉得今天的平静好可贵。多么值得珍惜。

Memory ..

三更半夜一个人听Barbra Streisand 的“Memory”不是个好主意。

特别感伤。

这首歌说出了一个人对回忆的孤独感，渴望别人接受现在的自己。虽然寂寞，不过毫无后悔。

谁没有回忆？有过去，就有回忆。可惜，不是每段回忆和现在的决定，都会有人明白和接受。

特别喜欢最后一段歌词：

“It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun...
If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun“

假如有人明白，多庆幸。
可假如没人明白，又能怎样？

回忆是自己的。

一股闷气

心情不好。

天还没亮，我就醒了。
一醒，就气道不顺。
一股闷气，闷在胸前。
深呼吸也没有用。

我干吗？昨晚这样，今天一早又这样。

不行，等下得开车出去。
找个安静的地方发泄一下。

闷！

空白的一天

相不相信我看着一个空白的word document 和blinking cursor已经有45分钟了。我不知道该写些什么。虽然说我不是每晚都得写，不过我尽量。因为我知道整理一下自己的心情是好的。

可我今晚没话题，没思想，没感觉。什么都没。

今天好像是毫无感觉，毫无激情的度过。
好像很麻木的度过。连呼吸的感觉都没有。

心灵是空的。脑袋是空的。身体是累的。
我是怎么了。

没有喜悦。没有悲伤。没有回忆。没有期待。
我是怎么了。

我没有答案。

越看这写字，越沮丧。
没有力气了，深呼吸。

不愿倾诉的人理智而孤独

有人跟我说：感觉我总是有许多倾诉，而你，总是姐姐般安慰我 …… 张小娴的书里有句话“不愿倾诉的人理智而孤独”。

哈，我不知道张小娴是谁。不过她好像在说我不愿倾诉。

一时，我也不知道怎么作答。就是揪起了嘴角，琢磨着。

是吗？是这样吗？是理智而孤独吗？听起来好像很惨的感觉。

不愿倾诉 = 不愿说出心里的话。

从前，有个朋友向我道歉。因为当我的感情生活出现了危机，她并没视出来。为此，她感到有点内疚。我告诉她不是她的错。是我自己没说，是我自己以为自己可以承受一切。怨得了谁？

其实谁又真正在乎谁心里的话呢？谁又是很真心地想听别人的倾诉？

我不是不愿意，而是觉得没听众。学生时代，每个人的注意力多是在应付考试，成绩。工作了，每个人就忙于事业，金钱，结婚，房子。谁有哪个闲工夫？就算见了面，也是谈很表面的事。好像工作，还是受了什么冤枉气之类的话题。谁会去试探那些表面以下的事？那负担太重了。自己的生活都有点不知所措了，还有能力去承担别人的倾诉吗？

就算我能讲，不过我不只需要一个听众。我需要有人能分担，能给与我意见。矛盾的是，我又常常觉得“你又不是我。就算我告诉了你，你懂什么？” 有了这样的观念，我就无法说服自己别人或许可能明白我的思想我的感觉。It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I choose not to say, the more I feel that others do not understand.

And in the end, I choose not to say a lot. 我是很会自我安慰，还是学会了压抑自己呢？不知道。不过，我不否认这对我的身心不是很健康。

还好有文字。还算照的到我心灵的某一部分。

“不愿倾诉的人理智而孤独”

凭自己的感觉而选择不倾诉的我，一点都不理智。

我单身，我不倾诉。但我不觉得孤独，也不会为此彷徨。孤独是一种心境，不是吗？

（看，都说我很会自我安慰了）

So what do you do for a living ..

On this latest trip to Hawaii, we went to this really authentic *read as touristy* Hawaiian cultural center for a luau feast. You know, where you would travel through time with real Polynesians as they share their 50-century old culture and spirit in music, laughter and dance; discover villages as they were centuries ago and hear legends and customs dating back over 2000 years, blah blah blah.

In essence, experience the true Aloha spirit.

The entire day at the center was pretty pleasant enough.

Come dinner time, and the 3 of us were sitted with another 4 elderly Americans who are probably on their 2nd honeymoon. Damn, I hate making small talk. But given the circumstances, not much of a choice since they were extremely interested in 3 Asian girls who gabble away in English instead of Japanese (You know, the irritating thing about being Asian and travelling in Hawaii is people just assumes you are a Jap. Immediately they would just go "konichiwa" and bow. Hello, Asia constitute more than just Japan alone. And not only the Japanese have the moo-lah to travel to USA, you know. But that is a pet peeve story altogether on its own).

Anyway, after the customary "what are you from" nonsense. The conversation turns to how old we are. Oh well, apparently I do not look a day over 21. Woo-hoo! After the realization that I am rather old (approaching 30 in a matter of blinks), it has to go to "so what do you do for a living"?

Hmm, I said with a deadpanned face "I am not working now".

Silence.

"So how do you earn your living"? Her question came after some twirling in her brain.

Silence.

My sister came to my rescue and said "She has rich parents".

Case close. No more questions.

Hmm... Saved by my sister once again. But earlier I was thinking that I should perhaps really come up with something that I can write under the column "Occupation" when filling up forms or when fielding questions from strangers. Preferably something quite a mouthfull so I can buy some time for myself while people figure out what it really means.

"So what do you do for a living"?

"I am a professional doer of nothing".

How does that sound?

刚才的早晨，我没拍下。不过却能分享夏威夷的早晨 ...
Posted by Hello

天要亮了吗？

睡不着。

凌晨5点多就起床。做什么？不知道，上网啊。我最厉害的。可凌晨5点，谁会online? 不过很奇怪，凌晨5点的天空，挺美的。那些云朵，都带有些橘子色。不懂是要下雨了，还是太阳公公要起床了。

到处都很静。就只有我坐在阳台上打字的声音。一杯水，电脑，开着阳台的灯和风扇，就是这样。我连呼吸都不敢太大声，有点怕打扰到到处的安静。

很久没有这么早起床了。

有一辆计程车经过。引擎的声响在这一切显得很吵。那位大叔因该是赶着去换班吧。他的工作日刚结束了，该是为家休息的时候了。反倒再没多几个小时，整个城市又要喧闹起来了。又是新的一天。

又有一辆车经过，不过应该是私人车，不像计程车那般的吵。车里的人，是狂欢了一夜现在才回家？还是今早有事办，所以得特别早出门？

天不知道几点才亮。快6点半了，还是黑漆漆的。

终于回来了

回来了，终于回来了。
我有24小时没睡了，现在有点晕头转向。
该去睡了。一切，等我睡醒了再说！

我和书

你喜欢看书吗？

我挺喜欢的。我想是从小到大的习惯。家里的两个妹妹也是爱书者。奇怪的是，身边的朋友似乎没有看书的习惯。相比之下，我就好像是稀有动物了。

你或许会问我我喜欢看什么样的书。其实说实话，我看书并没有什么“定”型。有些人只看小说，有些人喜欢看金融杂志。有些，就可能喜欢看漫画。我吗？没什么“定”型。我不会走进一间书店，就只顾看或买一类型的书。我会很随性的在书店乱走。脚步停在那，就看那排的是什么书。

我有时会想，一间书店可以有上以万千的书，我为什么会拿起一本书而不是另一本呢？是包装？还是作者？还是书名？刹那间，你怎么决定你要拿起那一本书？什么样的书又会引起你的注意呢？

缘份。

我想是缘份。

人与人讲缘份。我觉得人与书，除了兴趣以外，也讲缘份。不然为什么一些书是你从来不读的，你又会拿起它？或者为什么有些书出版好久了你迟迟不买，可几年后又对它爱不释手？

这一两年来，我看的书都和以往的不同。以前很喜欢看Finance or current affairs. 现在还是有看这一类型的书和杂志，不过还增添了许多很不同类型的。比如我现在也看Literature or poetry. 我只有在14岁的时候在很不甘愿的情形因学校的需要才读这类型的书。可现在还倒挺喜欢的。很奇怪。

又或者现在也开始读华文书了。有点吃力，不过还挺喜欢读华文书类的感觉。虽然不同，不过对我现在的身心还relevant的。

这次在夏威夷，到了它的Borders闲逛。本来不打算买什么的，可在Fiction section 兜了一圈时，随手拿了一本书。翻了翻。啊，还挺有意思的。

就这样，很巧我就在夏威夷闲逛。很巧，我就在Fiction section. 很巧，它就正面地在摆在书架上。很巧，我的视线就停在了那。很巧，它的书是红色的（我喜欢的颜色，所以对我而言比较明显）。很巧，是一本关于女生另类想法的一本书。很巧，我现在正在寻找一些答案。很巧，它的writing style 很light. 很巧，挺合我胃口。

我就把它买下了。

我觉得书与人，真的需要一些缘份。你或许会觉得我真的有点神经质，不过我想看你的信念是什么吧。

You can always say that because I have an innate need towards certain topics and issues now, which explains why I tend to gravitate towards books of that matter. I do not deny that possibility. But this does not really explain why I pick some books of the same topic over another.

Why this book? Am I supposed to read this? And not that?

When there are too many coincidences in the world, 当有太多巧合时，我相信缘份。时机到了，时机成熟了，该是我看这本书的时候了。I like to think of all these coincidences as the Almighty’s way of staying anonymous when watching over you.

我和什么样的书，还会有什么样的缘份呢？这辈子，我还得看多少书？

缘份 – 天时地利人合的迷信

Check out the Wrangler I drove in Oahu. It's pretty niffty huh ... ;o) 

Worse than aimless drifting...

There is something worse than aimless drifting.

It beats being anchored to somewhere you do not like, or worse, hate!

The view from Starbucks ... simple, endless water, simply laidback Hawaii ...
Posted by Hello

追回感伤

休息。总少不了懒洋洋的坐在咖啡厅，看着人群，发着呆。
我今天就在夏威夷偏僻的小镇找到了一间Starbucks. 坐在那休息。有饮料，有书，有随身听。很享受。

看了没多久的书，就想让自己的脑袋休息，就开始发呆了。我发呆时，不喜欢让人看见。觉得有点被人透视到什么，加上光纤有点刺眼，就戴上墨镜望出窗外。

享受音乐和那一来一往的懒散人群。很轻松。

然后，就听到了这么一首歌 – 戴佩妮的《怎样》。

虽然说那段感情结束很久了，而我自己的情绪也好了，人也开心看开了。可听到了那首歌，还是免不了有点失落感有点感伤。

~ 我在夏威夷，你在那？
这里很炎日，你那里呢？
好久没听到你的笑声了，你好吗？
有没有想过，假如我们还在一起，会是怎么样？
我们那时的爱情，怎么了？

你是怎么回忆我？是微笑着，还是皱着眉？
会不会像我这样偶尔还想起你？
不知道为什么，我想起我们在纽约时你跑出去买花给我时的傻笑。
你睡觉时皱眉的样子，我撒娇你哄我的模样。

现在还好吧？是否找到了比我更适合你的另一伴？~

不过都过去了。我只是忍不住，在追回感伤。一时的软弱，一时的感触，一时的感叹。在一个漂亮的下午，我还能这么心平气和的想他，他真的曾经是我生命一个很重要的角色。

假如我们还在一起是怎么样？这是个有点无聊的问题，因为根本不会有答案。只是一个让自己回忆的借口。或许回忆不好，或许它代表着放不下。是真的吗？不过人有了过去，有了经历，才会有回忆。回忆是自己成长的见证吧？我想是吧，人只会回忆过去而不是现在，更不会是未来。

有回忆还是好的，哪怕只是在追回失去的，感伤的，对的，错的。

女人啊，女人

女人啊，女人。

很多人都说女人是水做的。大多数是男生觉得女人容易掉泪，所以这么说。

今天，我坐在沙滩，望着太平洋发呆。看着那么多的水，突然觉得说女人是水做的，很贴心，很贴切。

水，可以有很多不同的姿态呈现。女人也是。

在小湖里，它很静和柔。能在湖里划船，钓鱼。有种悠悠闲闲的感觉，不带有危险，不需要任何猜测。它的存在就代表了平静，安详。女人何尝不是？我们也可以不带危险，不带猜测，很自然的和自己心爱的人一起过日子。就这样，一辈子，无需大风大浪，平平静静。

在河里，水是流动的。你能看，你能欣赏它所带来得一切。可你不可以把那河占为己有。它到底是流动的，不属于你的。女人也是溪流的河水。在我们成长的过程中，我们能让人欣赏，和别人交往。不过请别把我们当成湖里的水，把我们封锁上。我们只是路过，并非想停留，不属于任何人的。

水也可以成为冰山。它无比巨大，深不可测。路过的船都会避开而行。它不会为任何人改变什么，它就那样的默默独行的在大海上。女人偶尔也会这样，尤其是在受到创伤的时候。她会把自己的心封锁成像冰山那么冷，不让任何人介入。别来触摸，你远远瞭望冰山的美就够了。入侵者则死。就是那么简单。

在海里，水更是，我也不知道怎么形容。我想看你在什么样的岸观望大海吧。在某些岸边，水是柔的。柔柔的海浪，微微的轻风。很舒服，很自然。你会很想在哪儿停留。在某些岸边，海浪是又凶又猛。一阵一阵地往岸边的石块猛撞。很威武，但你不会想接近，免得粉身碎骨。女人在寻找的人生过程，是什么样，就像海里的水，看你碰上什么样的岸。有阻碍时，女人是可以像巨浪如此猛撞向它，企图把它撞碎。在舒服的情形，女人也可以柔情似水，又温又柔，一切让人觉得很自然。

水能从湖水变成海水。能从冰山变成河水，也能从河水变成海水。女人也是。

水靠太阳。

女人，啊女人。

或许靠感情吧。

Unexpected delights ... makes up the memory of a trip ...

Today was one day when I did a lot of driving, probably about 4 hrs. And now, I am nursing a headache. Mind you, it was one of those winding roads which potholes and everything. Plus the fact that I was driving a Jeep Wrangler instead of my Benz, the ride was one bumpy ride.

But, the sight was one to behold on the island of Oahu.

The sights are glorious.

With winding roads along the coasts, mountain ranges on the left, and plunging cliffs on the right complemented with powerful surfs. Like a movie where the unexpected scenes often surprises you, the views are extra sweet.

Throw in the evening sun, the entire sight takes on a gold-ish glow. Even the clouds look illuminated.

Funny why people are often resistant towards renting a vehicle while on holiday, thinking that it is dangerous. Having a vehicle not only provides mobility as and when you need it. But often, the best part of the holiday is one which comes unexpected and not acted out according to the guidebooks.

Take for the above example of the glorious sunset views off the eastern Oahu. That was not in the guidebooks. But it makes one sweet bit of vacation.

Another example of enjoying something not stated in those guidebooks?

Are you aware that along the rural areas away from the bustling Waikiki, there are some stalls selling fresh shrimps and prawns along the roads. The freshness of the produces? OH MY GOD.... 吃了，才知道什么叫“鲜甜”。They taste better than the deep-fried nonsense you find in restuarants or whatever seafood spreads in hotels. The unexpected delight of finding good food along the road makes it all the more memorable.

Ahhh...and shopping just makes me happy. All the more when you know you are getting a pretty niffty deal outta of the shopping experience. Yupz, I am talking factory outlets... haha...unexpected find...tonnes of money spent on clothes... ;o)

You know, just take off ... with plenty of water, a map and a load of good temper and common-sense... delights will show up along the way as long as you know how to recognise them.

I am so going to soak up in a bath later on. Woo-hoo... and maybe bum by the beach again with a book tomorrow!

Hmm, sounds good ...

海 ... 一切的感觉

为何我喜欢坐在海边，水边？

不太明白。不过就是舒服。

尤其是在夏威夷，你看着一朵朵的浪花。每一朵都是从天边迈向大地。好遥远。它们那来这力量，千里迢迢，往岸上冲上来。 那无比的力量，又象征什么？冲上岸来，又是为什么？

有些浪花，很柔。能让小孩不带一点害怕，在沙中作乐。能让情人在夕阳下承诺海誓山盟。有些浪花，很猛。能把石头化为无。能夺人性命。能制造15米高的巨浪。能把白人类制造的一切毁掉。

海，又柔，又猛。

I remain in awe of her power and strength.

可这就是大自然。海，风，太阳，大地。少了一样都不行。没了他们，人什么都不是，什么都不可能。其实，我们才是属于大自然的。可人类总是如此自大，总觉得我们可以克服一切，可以控制一切。多可笑。

See the gigantic waves crashing into the cliffs.
Feel the intensity of the sun.
Marvel at the strength of the wind.
Appreciate the wonders of the earth beneath our feet.

All at once, you will feel humbled, by the wonders of the world we live in.
We are nothing, but just one. Circle of life. Intricately linked to Mother Nature and the Almighty who created all these energy and life here.

我为什么喜欢坐在海边？

或许因为它无时无刻提醒了我，世界再复杂，也还是一个大自然的世界。我们是渺小的。我们视为的问题，也是渺小的，不足以费心。

浪花把问题带走。深呼吸，风儿吻了你的脸。微笑。

这才是真的感觉。

坐在海边 ...

我忘了我以前有多么喜欢坐在海边，听那浪声，看那浪花。

今天，我才回想起。

忽然间，就这样想起。

我上一回坐在水边，是在我23岁生日那天。我和他。他带我到海边，或许应该说是我吵着要去。不过那次和他去海边，和以前不一样。那次，我们是不快乐的。

这些日子以来，我没去海边，坐在水边。最多也是经过，没逗留，没享受那海风，浪声。

我记起来了。我是喜欢坐在海边。

发呆、仰望、自然、享受、平静。

就算是一个人，也有一个人的幸福感觉。

Horizon ....

Horizon .... It stretches as far as one can see. It is the place where the sky and sea meet.

Is there such a place? Will anyone really get to a place where the heavens and sea touch, and all we have to do it to reach out. And we can feel heaven.

I like to think there is.

Just like there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Just like there is an oasis waiting after numerous sand dunes.
Just like achieving out goals at the end of all our efforts.

Just like the horizon.

It exists in my heart, in my mind, in my world. It spells of hope.
The touch of heaven, is within reach, as long as you dare to believe.

Things are seldom what they seem ...

"Things are seldom what they seem; Skim milk masquerades as cream." - Gilbert Sullivan, "HMS Pinafore"

This quote tells a lot with that few words. Somehow they make an exact mokery of human's judgemet at times. We take things at face value and make our judgement as it is.

We assume skim milk to be the real deal.

Hmm ...

A sun-baked day @ Hawaii ...

Today was an interesting day. Woke up ... went for a "breakfast that does not justify US$18 per pax" .... drove out to a nearby small town .... did some small town shopping ... sat by the beach and read a book in the sun ... soak in the sun, surf and wind ... went out of the hotel again and had Dunch @ Mac ...came back and bummed in the room for the evening ... took a shower and then immerse myself in a bathtub of hot green tea!

There! My day in a nutshell!!

You know what is the fab thing about driving in Hawaii? I have a Jeep Wrangler..and I get to drive it with the top down!! Yes, topless when the weather is good, which happened to be today. Wind in the air...did the "ain't no mountain high enough" shit.

Haha...woo-hoo!!!

Look at me! Wind in the air and blasting Canto pop out of the car. If Sammi Cheng ever becomes famous in Hawaii, she has me and moi sisters to thank. We are doing free publicity.

I am actually lobster-red right now. After a day of driving under the sun and bumming by the beach with a book..I am certified lobster-red. Certified with a stamp and chop ah! Damn, should have put on a spag top. Now I will have shoulder shade difference. Ahh, the vanity of females. Actually the skin feels a tad tight right now, esp the arms and the legs. Hehe, I actually have the shade difference on my feet because of the slippers I was wearing. Cute....

Anyway, since I am lobster-red in need of some pampering, and since I paid so bloody hell lot of money for this room ... haha ... I am going to soak myself in the bathtub and just chill .....

What a paradox ... hahah ... chill out in a steaming-hot bathtub?

But green-tea?? Yes! Green tea. I bought this green tea bath thingy when I went Jap last month. Bought it... no chance to use at home since I shower than take a bath. And hehe, just pop it along the suitcase to Hawaii! Now, I think I can still take a few more baths here and just finish all the green tea packs for baths. They are actually quite cool, they turn the entire tub of water into this shade of green which you normally see from a cup! And haha, I just soak myself in there!

Sure feels damn good! I think I should really do a few more baths .. ;o)

Finally managed to finish "The Alchemist" today while at the beach. It is a good story, basically reinforcing a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs. Hmm, I need to sit on the thoughts for a while ...

A little disturbing, a little refreshing ...

夏威夷，太平洋...

今天夏威夷又是天不作美。时不时一直下雨。

今天我又晕船。很想去死。因为今天订了short trip, go for a submarine trip. 可哪知道因为天气不好，浪很大。乘坐那艘载我们到submarine的船摇动得很厉害。因为迟起，我又没吃早餐。没多久，就开始晕船了。那2个小时，好难过啊。不过还是死撑过来了。海底世界是很美。很蓝，好多不同种类的鱼。假如我没晕船，我想我会很enjoy这个submarine trip.

不过，算了。过了，也就算了。或许以后我再回来夏威夷时，我再去多一次。不过，这次，吃了早餐才去。还得希望天保佑，浪别太大。

-------
今天也换了一间酒店。离开了喧哗忙碌的Waikiki Beach. 开了一个多小时的车，上北。到了一个挺偏僻的hotel resort. 面向太平洋的一间酒店。It is called the Turtle Bay Resort. You know the main issue with this resort? It is very expensive. The room rates, the food here etc. 好贵！不过，这儿有wireless lan! 所以我才可以上网！哈哈，probably the redeeming factor at this point, given the rates I am paying for a room here.

海浪声滔滔不绝。虽然望出阳台，是黑茫茫的一片。不过，你听那浪声，就知道太平洋很近，很近。浪声给人一种和安定的感觉。你知道这声响不会停下。深呼吸，空气有很浓的海味。闭上眼，想象那浪花在好远好远就开始向这沙滩涌前。为什么有海味？为什么有海浪？海里有什么样的鱼？海底有多深？一切的一切，我不知道。我没有答案。不过现在我坐在阳台上，听这浪声，很平静。

海浪是自然的。

我的平静，也很轻松。

深呼吸，我在夏威夷，面向太平洋。

A day at Waikiki ...

[@ Miramar Waikiki Hotel]
Finally back at the hotel after a full day out.

Renting a vehicle makes the entire holiday a much more mobile and flexible trip. Anywhere you fancy, just take the car out and only time is between you and your intended destination. No doubt that hiring a car adds cost to your trip, (especially with the parking and petrol costs) but the flexibility is totally worth it in my opinion.

Haha, and just for the record, yours truly is driving a really small (but nifty) Jeep Wrangler here. A car that I would never drive in Singapore. A 4-wheel drive plus being left hand drive is quite a challenge, which I do relish a lot … ;o)

Today was a pretty nice cool day in Honolulu, being cloudy for most part of the day. Basically it was a lot of looking around and just window shopping. Not really intending to visit those tourist attractions like Pearl Harbor. These attractions have been done to death and they would not really miss another 3 girls. And when it was not quite cloudy, rain came. It can actually get rather chilly with the rain and the wind.

Now, you would ask me. Exactly what am I doing outside when it is raining cats and dogs in Honolulu?

You know one of the 3 finalists in American Idol? This gal called Jasmine Trias from the state of Hawaii? Well, she happened to make a trip back to her hometown for these 2 days, courtesy of the network. And tonight, she was scheduled for some torch lighting tonight at Waikiki Beach. Guess what? I actually went, made up part of the crowd who were there screaming her name. Now for some clarification, I went along because my xiaomei wanted to go there, and 一睹风采。我已经超龄了，不适合再去追偶像了。Anyway, I could not believe the crowd and how the state of Hawaii went nuts over her. According to the Hawaiian papers this morning, this Jasmine girl has a “Jasmine Trias” day named after her yesterday when she landed home yesterday.

Hello, you are only 17 and you get a day named after you just because you are one of the finalists in American Idol?

My my my….

Anyway, although it was raining cats and dogs, we all went along to the beach, cold and wet, so as not to disappoint my sister. I guess now she can go back home and tell all her friends that she saw Jasmine Trias in Waikiki, no less.

American Idol? Hmm, the show that turns ordinary people into stars, people in the streets into different camps of supporters and the biggest winner of them all are the networks and of course, the telecommunications company, AT&T in this instance, who earns all the moo-lah with all the callers calling in to vote for their heroes.

I wonder if this would be the case for Singapore Idol. Haha, can you imagine the population of Ang Mo Kio turning up at Ang Mo Kio Central to support the finalist residing in AMK?

I cannot. But I could always be wrong… ;o)

[@ Miramar Waikiki Hotel]
终于到夏威夷了！时差还没完全调过来，虽然已经睡了12个小时多了。

凌晨1点时，夏威夷下了一场雨。不太大，也不太小。我没起床看，只是凭想象力，听那雨声。雨声跟新加坡的差不多。哈哈，我也是无聊。雨声能差多少？不过，今早夏威夷的天空是灰沉沉的。好像随时又会下雨的感觉。不过不要紧，我喜欢下雨天，就算我是在度假。看看这下雨的感觉和在新加坡的有什么不一样。

困，困，困...

[@ Narita Airport]
我刚才想死。很困很困，可没得睡。要命！这感觉很难受。看书，一直打瞌睡。这样维持了2，3个钟头。我看我身边的人看了，都觉得好笑。自己现在回想起，也有点不好意思，是有点失态。算一算，在36个钟头，我只睡了3个钟头。没好好休息到。当然，比起什么刘若英演戏忙没得睡，我肯定是输了。我有没吆喝谁比。哈哈，反正我就是累，看才很想死。

为什么现在不困了？刚才想到以前有人跟我说过，按摩一下自己的手心就不会这么累了。不懂什么气，什么血液。咳，不过还挺有效的。现在不是很累了，所以才能坐在这儿打字。不然就是差不多是用膳时间了！所以不想睡了！哈哈，等吃！

希望等下，on the way to Honolulu时，我能睡得着。不让明天到了夏威夷，我肯定精神不好，怎么好好享受呢？

The perplexing train system ….

[@ Narita Airport]
昨晚在飞机上度过，没睡多少。一早就到了东京，得等12小时转机到夏威夷。12个小时，我能做什么？就决定座一趟电车，去Narita City. 一个很靠近机场的小镇。

平时我看日本的地铁系统都觉得有点复杂了，今天竟得自己花时间去理解，才能搭车。The train system in Japan, as my sister puts is very aptly, is very perplexing. First, you have to make some sense of the Japanese equivalent name of Narita City. Once done, you stare really hard at the fare map system and decide how much we have to pay for the train ride. After which when you thought the worst is over and all you have to do it just to catch the train, the horror begins. We approached the train bay rather warily since we do not quite understand the instructions which were all in Japanese. The various trains that approached all looked different in terms of the design of the trains. *Warning bells* After which, we noticed that they all have different destination labels by the side of the train carriages. *Warning bells*

Uh huh, how do we know which particular train we are supposed to catch?

Back to the train mapping system for more discussion and evaluation.

Ohhhhh, so there are 2 separate train companies that provides train services to Narita Airport. No wonder the trains looked different.

More evaluation ….

Ohhhh, so each company still offers different classes of train rides (eg. Express which does not stop at every station, Limited Service which serves the poor normal folks like us, and also the very classy Skyliner which is like C-L-A-S-S), with all varying pricing schemes.

Right, no wonder every freaking train looks different from the one that came earlier.

Since we bought the cheapest ticket from the ticketing system, we figured that we probably have to take the oldest and most disgusting looking train that came. Well, we are only going for one stop and going by the map, it looked as if every train will stop at this station as there is a border around the town’s name. So we hopped onto the next old looking thing racketing thing that came long, with our fingers crossed.

Lucky us, the train stopped at the right station.

And you know what, I have concluded that give me a few more days in Japan & I would have figured out the perplexing train system in Japan. The train ride back from Narita City to the airport was E-A-S-Y!

*Arrogant, haha!*

选择、抉择、决定

明晚，我又是在飞机上度过了。

又要出门了，行李都还没整理。可我就是这样，不到最后一分钟就是不会先整理。有时会忘了带什么，也不在乎。现在比较棘手的问题是 -- 我该带什么书去呢？太多选择了，眼花缭乱。倒不如说我贪心，什么都想带。啊，还有一大堆杂志。得好好儿想想。

对了，还有音乐。虽然说会带手提电脑，里头有许多MP3,不过我也得想想要burn那一些，能随身听。

啊，选择、抉择、决定。

还好不是什么终身的决定。马虎一点也不会死人，哈哈！

不过，其实，就算我们人生里做错了什么选择，还是可以弥补。为自己选另一条路。

我不相信一句话 -- 我别无选择
总觉得这是一句不想负责任的人才说的话。不想扛起责任的人，才会这么说。好像这绝不是他们的决定，可他做了！做了，也是一种选择。什么叫“别无选择”？

"回头看"

今天和一位朋友喝茶逛街。她是我以前工作的同事，现在也刚刚辞职了。聊着聊着，她就说了一句话：“我没回头看”。

我只是笑了笑。

我自己？当我最后一次离开了公司时，我有回头看。而有人告诉我这样是一个不好的现象，这代表我可能会回来。或许吧？又怎样? 未来谁也无法预知，又何必杞人忧天呢？

我刚才在想，我为什么和别人不一样？

我回头看，不是因为那工作。可因工作，我认识了许多人。要不是公司，我不可能认识他们。有欢笑，有无奈，有许多许多。

我回头看，不是因为我后悔。可因工作，我才认识了我自己。要不然，或许我不知道自己的极限，忘了自己也是个很普通的人。

有回忆，而舍不得。
有认识，而感激。

百感交集。
我回头看。

Wahhhh....

Hmm, Blogger.com has revamped! Surprise surprise and without any warning. I was a little stunned when I saw the new page. Cool....with plenty of new features as well. Heh, I shall have to take my time to figure them out along the way!

Even posting a blog feels a little weird now. Everything looks different. I hope it is for the better. But hmm..think it can posts pictures now? heh...we'll see how this turns out... ;o)

Nice going, blogger.com!

相信自己....

工作忙。
因忙，而心亡。
忘了怎么爱自己。
所以选择暂时不工作。

毫无计划。
就是先不工作。
先不白忙，学如何爱自己。
让自己开心，心情好一点。

同辈的，认为这是愚笨的选择。
长辈的，认为这是浪费的举动。
晚辈的，认为这是懒人的证实。

真的吗？这样的生活真如此负面吗？

所谓“根深不怕风摇动，树正不愁月影斜”。
其实风怎么摇动，树还是静止不变的。

别人对我的举动有什么结论，是他们自己的事。
我的选择不会对他们的生活有什么影响。
他们的结论也不是我生命的结论。

要多美，我来做主。
要多精彩，我来选择。
找一个新的方向，往前走。

我不会后悔我所做的，我只会后悔我没做的。
所以，我要相信我自己的感觉，自己的选择。
像最初的我，相信自己会找到自由。

放心，不要怕。

在无法预知的未来，只要我敢，我就有机会。

是否是负担

“觉得不记日记的人，活得轻松。记忆太多，只会成为负担。不如忘却。”

今天看到这样的一句话。顿时，好像还挺对的，像是句至理名言。不过，咳，我自己就是个儿写日记的人，难道我就活得很不轻松吗？

我觉得我还很好。写日记对我是件好事。我不觉得因为我写日记我的负担就很多。反而，能让我面对，认清，然后放下，继续过日子。当然，也作为我人生的记载。

其实，是否是负担，在于心态。

我要在意的话，写不写，我还是会在意的。我还是有负担的。
我选择不在意的话，写了，也与所谓。

对吗？

精神年齡

刚才有点无聊，看到一个心里游戏就去做。这个是测量“精神年龄”的游戏。
做完了以后，有点后悔。觉得有点离谱，可又有点好笑。

結果
您的精神年齡37歲

與您實際年齡差 xx 歲
幼稚度48％
成熟度57％
老化度50％

啊，我不想这么快就变老啊！！
咳，你说这种结果准不准？

不行！得让自己有个赤子心。能在适当的时候以孩子心面对，在适当的时候以成熟心面对。那“老化”吗？也不知道到底代表什么。哈哈，算了。

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你有空儿，去做做也挺好玩的吧。 [http://www.vivistudio.com/news-18.htm]

骗自己

有些人，酒量不是很好却以为自己很会喝。
有些人，不是非常有钱却把自己和百万富翁比较。
有些人，生活空虚却以为自己过得很充实。
有些人，选择不太适合却骗自己已经很好了。

很可悲吗？

人总是很会骗自己来符合我们心目中最完美的自己。
这样好吗？这样健康吗？

我又在骗自己什么?

请别打扰

我有个癖习。

当我想一个人在我自己的世界而不想让人打扰时，我会戴上耳机。每当我戴上耳机，我身边的世界是安静的，我只听到耳机传出的声响。这种感觉好像和外头的世界隔离了，只有自己的心情自己的世界。

回想起，这习惯从中学时期就开始了。那时，因为学校和家有一段距离，所以就买了一个discman。让自己在回家的路程没那么闷，至少还有音乐的陪伴。听不到巴士的吵闹，人潮的脚步，城市的喧哗。就只有自己喜欢的音乐和自己的脚步。我很享受那路程。简单的生活，简单的享受。

过后也长大了，车代替了我的脚步。戴耳机的机会也少了很多。可不论车里的音乐开多大声，也不一样。我没法把身边的吵闹声淹没。我还是在一个有很多人的世界里，还是有着很多被打扰的感觉。可那时，我不以为然，因为我认为我是行的，我能应付这一切。我是大人了，没什么是难得倒我的。所以，有一段时间，我没戴上耳机。

最近这一两年来，我又戴上了耳机。重新再回返一个属于自己的世界。原来，我是需要这耳机的。它能把那些环绕在我身边的一切隔断在外。等到我自己的心情平复了，等我有能力面对时，我才回到我处在的现实里。It’s a little like me putting the world on mute while I sort myself out. And when I have re-grouped myself, I will join back in. There is no way I can put the world on pause mode. This is the next best thing.

I take a timeout.

我还真喜欢这样进入自己世界的方法。很自然，和舒服。

所以，有时我把自己关在房间里，戴上耳机。
或，我坐在Starbucks等人，戴上耳机。

我再享受自己的世界。

请别打扰。

就算被偷窥，也是我给的特许

记得当我发现有人在读我这些乱写的文字时，我有点吓倒。因为到某些程度，这的一切都是有点私人的想法。所以我也有很认真的考虑我是否该把我这blog改成private blog. 过后，就想算了。也不是什么大不了的，不过就是自己的文字，写写过日子。

这几个星期，我又有另一个发现。有一些人会常常来，甚至天天来看。有些本地人（我想应该是我的朋友吧），有时有些国外的。这或许让我更惊讶。我的生活那么有吸引力吗？其实挺乏味的。怎么会有人会自己上来这里看。

啊，不过我不否认这样的现象会让我有一点点的满足感，好像有点小成就。就算那么一丝毫，我也心满意足了！（反正我又不是要卖书）

其实到底，有没有人看是其次。重要的是，我能在这乱写中得到一种快乐，还是幸福的。所以，我会继续写，为我自己。

不过我不否认，知道有些自己在日常生活里的朋友来读我这一切的乱写，有种怪怪的感觉，虽然我更本不知道他们是谁。一方面，有一种被偷窥的感觉。可另一方面，怎么能有这种感觉呢？是我自己让这一切公开的。而这也就是天下谁有缘分看，就能看。既然如此，也就料到或许会有认识的朋友来看。不过有时，还是逃不过那怪怪的感觉。

这样，或许会有人想：假如你会好过一点，你就别公开了。

公开或许会让我有被偷窥的感觉，不过我更本不知道那些朋友是谁。就算我见到了，我也没机会脸红。什么尴尬的场面？没！

不过，我也想过或许有一天，我知道了谁在读这一切。我该怎么办？最后，我有了这种观念。

总觉得都会人大多数都是带着面具过日子，人与人之间有着一定的距离。很难亲近，很难了解。或许甚至有点压抑自己。因为长大了，就应该有个“所谓”大人的样子。而那就是“说别人认为你该说的”，“做别人认为你该做的”。

不过其实又很渴望有一个人是懂自己的。可带着面具压抑自己，别人又有什么机会认清你是个什么样的人，有着什么样的想法？

我也是人。我有时也会去配合别人对我的印象，却也想有个人是懂我的。这有点像是“要吃粥，却把那米炒了。莫名其妙。”

我是个什么样的人，我写得很清楚 - 未完成。有点乱，有点摸索。却很想过得开开心心。这些，我没必要隐瞒。可我也不会到处和别人说我那“未完成”的心态。其实文字也是一种表达、沟通、减少陌生感的方法。所以有朋友读到这一切，也不完全是件坏事。好与坏，不就是那一念之差吗。

既然如此，就算被偷窥，也是我给的特许。

你们尽量看吧！我无所谓 … ;o)

一个任性乱写的一夜

知道吗？

这个星期，我每天都有出门。好像每天都有事得出去做。
这个星期，我也每天7点多起来。为了载妹妹上班。
这个星期，我每晚都头痛，也睡不好。

不是我不想写，我写不下。这脑就是不合作，就是痛想罢工。没辙，所以没写。

Déjà vu. This feels exactly like when I was working previously. 我不知道是我因有事做而头痛，还是因为我睡不够睡不好而头痛。不过，就是不好受。

头现在还是痛，可我就是任性。我就是今晚要写，乱写也爽。或许写了，会睡得比较好也说不定。所以，现在的我，懒洋洋披着被，在床上乱打字。还算自然吧。其实这几天，时不时有很多想法感想。可就是在不适当的时间。我不是在开车，就是在做些其他的什么。那灵感就被风带走了，没了。没了就是没了。我去哪找？

我很想把现在对我的主题曲写一写。
把今天对一些文字的感觉写下来。
再回答一些我给自己的问题。
不过，头痛。过去了。

我会不会很无聊。不过，就是心情，现在写写的心情。毫无意义，乱！

什么事是我最想的？一个人去旅行。带着相机，电脑，到一个城市，找个地方自己住。习惯独立，学煮饭。到处走走看看。有空儿，在starbucks喝咖啡看人群。或到海边，等日落。能多久？哈，我想到没钱为止吧？不让就是直到父母要我回家时。

不是现在日子不好。不过人都是这样，到了晚上三更时，那些梦想和渴望就会冒出来。我也不例外。心中也有自己的梦，自己觉得该过过看的生活。可人也很会为自己制造借口，安慰自己为什么没去实现自己的渴望和梦想。这种自我逃避，我也学会了。很没用啊？

还好，就还好。心里知道这是一个自己得主动，幸福得自己承受的生活。所以，一切的一切，在自己手中。

手中握无限，这是一种心态吧。

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发现自己真的是乱写。罢了，罢了。

Morning thoughts - Enjoying the moment ...

I was seriously considering the purchase of a digital voice recorder, after my piece on "Stealing from Father Time". You know, the kind that is slim and can record sounds up till 24 hours and can connect to your laptop via a USB port. Yupz, the kind that costs an arm and a leg.

The decision has been made - I am not buying.

The money involved was a slight deterrent. Afterall, yours truly being the unemployed statistics should be more careful with money since the stock market ain't doing too well either.

But really, the primary reason why I am not buying the recorder today?

Another thought crossed my mind this morning.

Am I trying too hard here?

As much as I enjoy looking back at myself through my writings and well, maybe voice recordings, up to a certain extent. I should not be too obsessed with this whole process, isn't it? Afterall, I once noted "Leave it to me to remember the moments". To even remember the moment, I should enjoy the moment first. And with a voice recorder, it serves only as a distraction to my enjoyment of the moment huh?

Yes, I should just enjoy my moments.

The pitter-patter of the rain drops.
The bustling city noises.
The peace when reading a book.
The barking of my doggy at home.
The moment of my average day.

自我安慰 - 对命运的明白

你相信命运吗？

我年轻一点时，我会马上回答说“不信”！我的未来是由我自己掌控的。年轻人吗，总是有许多抱负，许多理想。以为自己就是世界的中心点，谈命运好像是不相信自己的实力。

现在的我嘛，我只能说“不知道。或许吧”。

命运，fate, destiny

常听到，可我不太懂我该用什么样的态度来面对这一切。

是不是一切都已安排好了，那我为什么努力？甚至，我还需要努力吗？那假如我想要些其他的，but it is not written in the stars, 我到底有可能凭努力就能得到？还是，我再努力也是于事无补，因为我的命没这福。

那么，是谁决定我们的命运？上帝还是什么神灵？他们不是很忙，世界上有那么多人。假如每个人都是独一无二的，有那么多种命运方程式吗？假如我要到死了才知道我自己的命运而又不喜欢自己那已过的命，我可以向谁投诉？其实，投诉也没用，一切已太迟了。

假如我换另一个角度，那到底“命运”包括什么？是不是命中注定一个人得吃那一行饭、上哪一间大学、嫁给哪一个人、赚多少钱、明天上午吃什么早餐 。。。。一切一切。 哇，如果命运是那么“详细”的所有，那些太阳月亮星星不是很忙？[不过以防万一，命运真那么“详细”的话：天上的大哥大姐们，我喜欢吃中餐。西餐偶尔就行了。比例不要搞颠倒啊。多谢多谢！]

不过我想应该没那么“详细”吧。这么“详细”就是没选择，可我天天还是有选择的余地啊。

还是“命运”不是那样的。它只会规定了我这生会遇到一些人，碰到一些事。除此之外，一切就看我自己的选择和决定了。例如 -- 我一定会做某种决定、为某些人伤心、遇见某些人。所以我的经验才会如此，有时一切在控制当中，有时却只能接受一切。

我不知道我是不是在自我安慰。

我的想法会不会好像很矛盾。明白有些事是我在日常生活里没法控制，不能不相信“命”，可却很想相信我自己还是有选择的权利。

这种矛盾，你了解吗？或许我把我一直相信的两句话写下，就比较明显了。

“You are never trapped, really. This is the single most important truth of life. You always have the final call. ”

VS

“是福不是祸，是祸躲不过”

因为我深信这两句话，所以我只能相信这样的“命运”解释。

Stealing from Father Time

This morning, I was running through some of my older blogs after some intensive email replies. While I read through 6 months worth of blogs, I had a feeling. You know, the sort of notion that creeps up on you, but you cannot lay a finger on it yet.

Writing my own crappy thoughts & views without any boundaries is good for me mentally and emotionally. It allows me to regroup myself when I write. It provides some structure to my thinking process. It validates some of my choices in my life. I derive some joy from my own musing, no matter how little. It is a process of self-renewal for me. 我开始写这些以后，我看了一本书。里头，它写了“心灵是照不到的，但文字是心灵的镜子。写写 …. 是女人心灵镜子的方法。这样的女人每天都焕然一新，能不美吗？”美不美，我不知道。But it certainly is a positive activity for me, personally.

But when I read my own journal entries this morning, I finished a quick browse of my entries rather quickly. I don’t think it took me more than an hour. Really. 6 months of my life and time. And I finished them within an hour. Amazing.

So I carried this bit of amazement at the back of my head as I went about my own business today. I was not able to verbalize or actualize that notion into any rational reasons yet.

I am not sure about other people, but my mind tends to spin very fast when I am alone stoning, and staring into blank space. As if my body allows all the energy to work on my sub-conscious. Often, a lot of thoughts will zoom past. I only catch and remember a few when I am lucky. Other times? They zoomed past, made perfect sense for a moment. And at the turn of the next minute, I cannot remember them for the life of me.

Just now, I had one of such moments. But I am lucky tonight. I caught one of them. It crystallized the notion I had this morning, and it explained my feeling of amazement.

Writing does more than just self-renewal for me. I have never thought of it that way, but sub-consciously, writing is my way of capturing the passing of time. The hi-bye-and-never-to-be-seen-again days. I age by the second as I take every breath. Tick-tock, tick-tock as the seconds pass.

For all my views and thoughts, I am just trying to document who I am, at a given point. As if providing actual evidence to my existence here - And there will be nothing if I do not write.

What does writing do for me?

It allows me to steal from Father Time.

By writing, my memory can fail me, but I always maintain the right to turn back the pages of my life and re-live those moments in words again. Nothing can take that away from me. I can take moments of my life, actualize them into words and that moment and thoughts will be there with me, forever, even with the passing of time. All the little moments and I stash them away in my own treasure box.

And this was the notion that ran past my mind when I re-read my entries this morning. My journal, my petty theft, my treasure box.

And why was I amazed?

I now know why. Maybe I am not stealing enough from Father Time. Just maybe. I had it so good. No one was watching and I am not stealing more of my own moments and thoughts? My treasure box could be larger. Amazing.

There are other ways we can steal from Father Time other than writing. We can film videos? Or take photos? I guess these are all viable instances.

Do all these make sense to you? It doesn’t matter. It makes sense to me.

I am not stealing enough. I can do more. How much more can I do within reasonable grounds? Maybe I should get a voice recorder… heh!

Just a consideration….

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You know, as I was writing all the above, I had a feeling of dread. I dread that time will just make its way through my life and I do not appreciate its passage and the remaining of it.

As I age by the days, months and years, and as my age figure grows, I am finally grasping the meaning of one Chinese statement – 其实，增加也同时代表了减少。

No one can work against the tide, and I certainly cannot turn against the tide of time. I think I can only work with the understanding of this notion and try to live to the best of my ability. No matter how limited or non-impressive my ability is.